Chapter 2
Ricochet
Imade my way downstairs, moving slowly. Glaring at the lightbulb as it happily shone overhead, I tried to figure out why the room looked draped in shadows.
It was noon and I could see the ambient light bleeding through the windows.
That one light fixture that needed the bulb replaced was flickering like it always did.
So why was it so fucking dark? I rubbed at my eyes, wondering what the hell was wrong.
Lock had forced me to go see Crash last night to get patched up.
There was no way I was heading back on my own just to get my damn eyesight checked.
I avoided doctors at all costs. Continuing down the stairs, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans.
It would have been too easy to say I was creeping around.
I just couldn’t stand the thought of running into anyone.
As soon as I made it to the main level, I realized there were already people milling around.
It was the middle of the day, so it wasn’t all that surprising.
I’d just been hoping to get the hell out of here without seeing anyone.
I knew Riptide and Hush were worried about me.
Smokehouse and Kit were still with Hellfire at Crash’s as far as I knew, but if they were here my closest friends would be dragging me back up to my room to talk sense into me.
That was the last fucking thing I wanted right now.
I moved past the bar, scanning faces as I went, taking stock of who was around today.
I didn’t see either of my friends. Guilt pinched as the thoughts invaded my mind.
I couldn’t face them right now. Smoke and Hell knew me better than anyone.
When I’d tried to avoid making close friendships, they’d bulldozed right past my defenses.
It’d been too fucking hard losing Jack, but those assholes didn’t give a shit.
They’d forced me to care. As much as I could right now anyway.
It wasn’t the same way I’d loved Jack. Nothing was the same since I’d lost him.
Still, those two and I had just clicked.
All of the MC members were my brothers. I’d give my life for any of them, but the relationship wasn’t the same between every man.
I saw Lock and Hush as mentors. Men I could go to when I needed something.
People I respected more than anyone else.
Rip, Priest, Butcher, and Toxic. They were great.
I knew they’d go to bat for me. Every member would, but I always held myself back from the rest.
Hell had been the one to approach me on that first day when I’d started prospecting.
He’d watched me as I’d completed my first task set by Lockout, guard the gate.
No time limit had been given, so I’d sat there for just under twenty-four hours.
Hell had come out with a beer. Smoke had later joined us with some sandwiches.
Eventually, Riptide had come out, when he realized I’d been forgotten out there, and released me.
Ever since that day, Hell, Smoke, and I had been each other's shadows.
I can’t handle seeing him.
Bile rose in my throat as the image of him wavered inside my mind.
It kept intermingling with the memory of Jack—lying still, eyes open, but empty, staring at nothing—and the idea of losing Hellfire made my stomach roil.
The shame was too much. The fear, overwhelming.
I’d failed him. Eventually I’d have to face him, just… not right now.
I grunted a hello at the others, but kept my eyes averted and moved forward.
My limbs were shaky and wooden, making my gait stiff.
I knew any one of my brothers would talk if I asked them to.
I could feel Priest’s eyes on me, burning into my back as I turned and made my way down the hallway.
Some would talk to me even if I didn’t want to.
Which was why I was avoiding eye contact.
In a way, I was fortunate and I knew it. Too many guys in my position had no one. They faced this alone. I had brothers who would support me. Who would talk—or beat—sense into me, depending on what I needed.
Even in Afghanistan, when Jack was killed, there were people there. People from my SEAL team, hell, even some Army pilots became unexpected friends. I’d been surrounded by people who just wanted to help. It’d been a shock, but welcomed.
It wasn’t a lack of support. That wasn’t my problem.
I just couldn’t see burdening them. I was a child killer.
A lowly piece of shit who didn’t deserve help.
Damaged goods. These men were heroes. Legit pulled a baby and her puppy from a burning building type of heroes.
They were the best men I knew. The last thing they needed was to be babysitting me.
I definitely didn’t want their pity. Deep down, if I allowed myself the slightest bit of hope, what I really wanted was an end to the numbness.
That would only happen through redemption.
Last night was supposed to be that redemption.
Instead it was Afghanistan two point zero.
I was fairly sure it’d done more harm than good.
I didn’t know anymore how to fix myself.
What could I do? For now, hiding out was my only option.
Gwen offered the only safe place for me to go.
I could always stay here, but then I’d feel like a burden. It was better that I left.
I got to Lockout’s office and knocked on the door. It was open already so I leaned my head in.
“What’s up Ricochet?” Lockout asked, motioning for me to come inside.
“I- uh- I just got off the phone with my sister. I haven't seen her or her kids in some time.”
“Far too long,” Lockout agreed, his sharp eyes watching every move I made.
I swore the asshole could read minds. It made me fucking nervous.
I loved the man with every fiber of my being.
He’d taken me in, treated me better than I could have ever hoped.
He was like an older brother to me, but he still made me nervous.
Everyone did. When you had so many secrets you weren’t sure you could name them all, you tended not to trust anyone fully.
Not with that dark part of you that could snap at any time.
No. That got tucked away, pretending like it didn’t exist, until it forced its way forward from time to time.
“She wants me to come by, maybe stay with them for a little while. I thought that maybe it would be ok, what with us not being as busy right now.”
“I think some time with your sister and family would be good.” He gave me an understanding smile, but there was a lot left unspoken.
I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t need to say more, and I didn’t need to ask.
We were both hoping that maybe she could help me in ways the club couldn’t.
If not, we both knew Lockout was going to step in and take over.
I wasn’t sure what that meant for me, and I was sure I didn’t want to find out. Somehow, I needed to figure out how to unfuck myself. That was easier said than done. It was also a problem for another day. I had enough weighing me down right now that I didn’t need to contemplate that.
With the small talk over with, I made my way out to my bike.
I didn’t stop to talk to anyone, I just nodded and grunted as I passed.
Stepping outside, I realized how gloomy it was.
It was unusual to have cloud coverage this time of year, but today it was thick enough to block out the sun.
Fitting. It matched my mood. If those clouds got any darker, they’d match my soul.
At least it made me forget about the darkness inside the clubhouse.
In a place that should be bright and make me happy, all I knew were shadows and pain. I had to get out of here.
Hopping onto my bike, I made my way across town.
The city was quiet, barely anyone was on the road, just the way I liked it.
I skipped my way through some red lights.
There was no point in stopping. If someone came along and slammed into the side of me, I’d come back long enough to thank them for ending it.
Gwen lived on the west side, near Picture Rocks.
It was a beautiful area, and still pretty vacant.
Not too many people lived this far outside the city limits, but Gwen preferred to be out here.
I’d bought this house as an investment years ago, when I’d still been in the service, and continued to make the payments.
She and my nephew and niece deserved the very best. She’d had a rough go of it so far, and I hadn’t been about to let my only family struggle.
Not when there was something I could do about it.
After her divorce, I’d put the house in her name.
I didn’t need any kind of credit or acknowledgement.
It was enough to know they were in a safe neighborhood and happy.
I rolled up to her house and shut my bike off.
The thing about a Harley is that you can’t make a quiet entrance. I wasn’t even off the bike yet before the door burst open and the kids were on their way out.
“Uncle Gage!”
I put on my biggest grin, hoping they wouldn't see through it to the dead man underneath. Despite my mood I had no desire to ruin their happiness. Maybe some of their innocence would rub off on me.
Fake it ‘til you make it, right?
I grabbed Sean and swung him up into the air, bringing him full arc and onto my shoulders. The screeching and giggling was a nice change to the silence I normally had.
“Me next, do me!” Grace was screaming from the ground. I picked her up and swung her in the same manner, then held her upside down by an ankle in front of my face. I studied her as she giggled and swatted at me. I tickled her exposed belly. More screeching and laughter filled the air.
“Gage, it's so good to see you! We’ve missed you.” My sister said, walking up with a big smile on her face.
She’d known me as Gage her entire life. It was hard for her to remember to use my road name.
It didn’t bother me. Nothing about my twin ever did.
She’d always understood me better than anyone.
More than our parents, though they’d done their best while we’d had them.
Her arms wrapped around me, somehow avoiding the kids, and managed to give me a hug. We were a mess of tangled limbs. I gave myself a moment to relax into her embrace. To soak in the love and contentment, so I could almost feel it for myself.
“You look good, Gwenny.”
She made a face at my childhood nickname for her. “Thanks.” She made no move to release me. It was almost as if she realized I needed this comfort. We’d always had that twin bond. Some didn’t think it existed. We knew for a fact it did.
The day after Jack had been killed and I’d been back in my barracks, staring down the barrel of a pistol, she’d called.
From halfway around the world, she’d known something was wrong.
She’d made me pause long enough to take a walk around the base.
Taking that walk had resulted in me sitting down to talk with a man who’d ended up saving my life.
So many things had aligned to make sure I was still here when I’d planned to end it all.
I hadn’t been able to follow through after that.
How could I put my sister through that? We’d lost our parents when we were younger and I wasn’t going to be the reason she lost the rest of her family.
I made a choice, every-damn-day, to fight and to stay, for her.
For my nephew and niece. For my brothers.
Maybe one day, I’d want to stay for myself. That was the hope anyway.
Over my sister's shoulder, I spotted a woman walking out the front door of the house next door. Long raven hair and forest green eyes met mine. They reminded me of the trees from back home. The home we’d ended up leaving to come live with our aunt in Tucson.
I’d had a treehouse built in my favorite tree on our property.
It had been my escape. Her eyes brought me right back to that little wooden shack stuck up in a massive tree.
My heart nearly stopped. The sun had chosen that moment to emerge from the clouds and shine on her hair.
It was so dark the highlights almost looked blue.
More importantly, the brightness of it made me squint.
Whatever was going on with my eyes seemed to have resolved itself.
She sauntered down the walkway, smiling at our reunion.
I almost dropped the kids. Grace let out a squawk of indignation, so I set her down, followed by Sean. I nearly walked through Gwen as I moved toward the beautiful woman.
She made her way over to us, ignoring the way I was staring, and waited patiently.
Gwen let go of me and laughed. “Sorry, manners. Ga- I mean, Ricochet, this is Jordan, my neighbor. Sweetie, this is my brother.”
“Hey.” It was all I could manage to mutter.
I reached out and took her offered hand.
It was soft and warm. A warmth that spread through my own, up my arm, where it unfurled inside my body.
Her cheeks pinkened and she glanced away.
It made me wonder if she’d sensed something sparking between us like I had.
I wasn’t sure what was happening, but for the first time since Afghanistan it wasn’t only numbness, pain, and rage inside of me. Somehow she’d managed to bring out more. Staring into her eyes, holding her hand, I knew this was something I didn’t want to let go.