Chapter 8
Ricochet
Guilt flooded back as soon as I stepped into the dining room and found Gwen sitting at the table with her head in her hands. She wasn’t crying, just sitting in the aftermath of the disaster that had just happened.
“Sorry, Gwenny,” I told her, as I went to sit next to her. I didn’t touch her. She didn’t like to be touched when she was upset. Just another thing we had in common.
Her sigh was heavy as she lifted her head, and that’s when I saw all the worry Jordan had mentioned etched into her features. “I don’t know what to do. He wasn’t acting like that before. I thought he’d changed and that he really wanted to have a relationship with them.”
I didn’t want to be the one to burst her bubble, but she was my sister, my twin, and it was my duty to tell her the truth. “Men will never change. People don’t change,” I reminded her with a humorless laugh. A rueful smile tugged at her lips.
“You thought I wanted to get back together with him.” It wasn’t a question, but there was no accusation in her tone either.
“If he wasn’t such an asshole, I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” I admitted. “I want the kids to have access to their father, too. But that’s the one they have.”
This time she did laugh. “He really is a jerk.”
“Yeah. He is.” We sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. “So, what are you going to do?”
“If that’s the way he’s going to act around the kids, we’ll go back to not having him in our lives.
He makes it easy by not bothering to come visit or anything like that most of the time.
I’m sure whatever this was will work its way out of his system soon enough.
Then we can move on and get back to normal. ”
I leaned over and gave her a sideways hug. “You’re doing a great job with them.”
Her head dropped onto my shoulder. “Thanks, Gage. Sometimes I really do wonder.”
“You don’t need to. They’re happy, well-adjusted kids.” My phone buzzed in my pocket so I pulled it out. “You okay here? I have somewhere I have to go.”
“We’re just fine,” she said in a firm tone. She straightened up and pulled herself together.
“Leave the dishes,” I told her. “I’ll do them once I get back.” Striding over to the hall closet, I grabbed my leather jacket and shrugged it on. My eyes strayed up the stairs. I wanted to go speak with Sean, but Lock had texted that he needed to see me.
With a plan in my mind to speak with my nephew tomorrow, I left the house. My bike was cold between my thighs as I straddled it. The motor roared to life, and I let it idle for a few minutes, warming up, as I stared at Jordan’s house.
There had been a brief blip of a thought inside my head that I shouldn’t get involved with her.
I was too fucked up. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much of a say.
The way I was craving her was too deep to deny.
The instant attraction didn’t bother me.
I’d experienced that before. But she brought out something inside of me I’d thought was long gone.
I’d been living my life numb for years and somehow she was waking my system back up. How could I walk away from that?
It wasn’t exactly fair to her, though I did plan to treat her like the best thing that had ever happened to me, because she was.
I didn’t have it within myself to be self-sacrificing right now.
The last thing I thought when I came out here was to find a woman, and possibly a solution, but I wasn’t about to give up either now.
* * *
The wind whipped past as I drove out to the spot Lock had asked me to meet with him. It didn’t matter that it was nine p.m. by this point. He’d be out here for most of the night. We all knew it was his thinking spot.
The road twisted up the mountain as I started to climb Mt. Lemmon. There were times it’d be helpful if Lock had picked a place that wasn’t such a drive to do his thinking, but honestly the ride chilled me out.
The remaining anger faded as I zipped along, leaching out into the cooler night air.
That was one nice thing about Tucson, even in the winter, it wasn’t impossible to ride.
You’d freeze your nuts off on some of the colder nights, but it rarely snowed, or rained.
It was the perfect riding weather. Once summer hit, I’d be wishing for these chilly nights to keep my balls from sticking to my damn leg.
I inhaled a huge lungful of cold air and slowed as I saw the turnout where Lock’s bike was parked.
It didn’t take long before I was climbing up over the boulders on the side of the road.
The moon was bright overhead, lighting my path.
It was a good thing as one wrong step would send me pitching off the side of the mountain.
It was a long, long way down. The thought of death didn’t bother me.
I’d lived with it for too long now to worry much about it.
Though right now it was far less inviting than it had been a few weeks ago.
Picking my way out, I dropped down onto my ass next to my president. We were out on the furthest boulder, nothing beneath our feet but air as we sat.
“Prez.”
He was studying me, but I just looked out over the city lights shining far below us. He’d speak when he was ready.
“Rip’s getting married.”
My smile was automatic. “Good.” I hadn’t gotten a chance to know his bride-to-be yet. Or was it wife? I wasn’t even sure if their first marriage was legally binding, but I was glad either way. Smokehouse had caught me up on most of what was going on.
“We’ll be going up to Washington for the ceremony.” He gave me the rest of the details and my heart tripped in my chest. “We all want you to be there, but you have to do what’s best for you at this point,” he said, not even giving me a chance to speak.
“I can’t miss Rip’s wedding.” I met his gaze and whatever he saw there had him frowning.
“You can.”
Shaking my head, I opened my mouth to tell him again that I couldn’t.
“If I have to make it an order, Ricochet, I will.”
My shoulders slumped as everything inside me deflated.
He was right. The brief emotions Jordan was bringing out in me didn’t mean I was fixed.
Hell, I might never be. As much as I wanted to be with my brothers and see Rip get hitched, I couldn’t go.
I’d be an anchor on the entire event, dragging it down.
He deserved the day to be happy and carefree.
“They’ll understand,” he said, turning back to the view.
“I’m sick to fucking death of being a disappointment.” Shock held me still. I’d never said anything like that out loud in front of Lock before.
He looked surprised as well. “Who the fuck do you think you’re disappointing, Kid? It sure as hell isn’t us.”
I sighed and scrubbed a hand through my hair. It was a bit longer on top now than I usually kept it, but I just didn’t feel like getting it cut. “Hard not to feel like a fuck up.”
“What happened out in that desert with Hellfire wasn’t your fault. I should have anticipated that they’d recruit women and kids to fight for them. Hell, I’m surprised there wasn’t more, now that I think about it. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”
Shaking my head, I made a sound of disgust. “You should be able to count on me in any situation.”
“I do.” He shrugged his shoulders. “All our brothers came out of that mess alive and you did what needed to be done. I just wish it wasn’t such a burden to you.
” He seemed to be picking his next words carefully.
“I don’t actually know how to help you, Ricochet.
PTSD wasn’t something I received training on, other than the usual slideshows the military forced on us.
” He cocked his head. “Would it help if I got someone you could talk to? Someone the club can trust?”
“I have no idea what will help me, Lock,” I admitted. It was the first time I’d said the words out loud. “I don’t know if anything can. I…I don’t know that I deserve it.” That might have been the hardest sentence I ever spoke.
“You were put in an impossible situation. Twice. If anything, you didn’t deserve to be in that position.” He narrowed his eyes on me and nodded, coming to some kind of decision. “We’ll try a few things and see what works.”
I didn’t even want to ask what he meant by that. Didn’t want to think about it. The thought of asking for help made bile rise in my throat. It was weak to ask for help. They had their own problems and lives to deal with. It wasn’t right to burden them with mine.
Except I knew that was bullshit. They could come to me for anything and I wouldn’t hesitate to help.
These were my brothers. This was my president.
I should be able to go to them with anything.
And I hadn’t been. I’d been swallowing everything down, doing it all myself.
And where had that gotten me? Deeper into the hole than ever before.
“It’s time to let us help you, Ricochet.”
My eyes closed. He’d just uttered the words that were finally becoming clear to me. I nodded and we fell silent again. Maybe with their help, I could claw my way out of all this. Become the man I should be. That my family deserved. That my brothers thought I was. It was time to take action.
* * *
By the time I got back to the house, it was late and everyone was asleep. The drive home had invigorated me and a part of myself wanted to walk over to Jordan’s and wake her up. After that kiss we’d shared I wanted to explore more with her.
Instead, I stripped, dropping my clothes into the hamper in the closet.
Walking naked into the ensuite bathroom, I turned on the shower.
My hand froze over the cold water knob. Usually dousing myself with freezing water helped, only, I didn’t need it tonight.
Between my talk with Lockout and thinking about Jordan, I was feeling decent.
Cranking up the heat, I stepped into the spray and groaned as the hot water pelted me. It was fucking nice to take a hot shower. I had almost forgotten what it was like. My eyes were closed and a picture of Jordan just after I’d kissed her came to mind.
My dick swelled to life and I braced one hand on the shower wall in front of me while the other wrapped around it.
The little sounds she’d made while I’d kissed her had nearly driven me crazy.
I couldn’t wait to see what kind of noises I could pull from between her sweet lips when I had the chance to fuck her.
Stroking slowly, I thought about what would have happened if I’d taken her upstairs. Would she have let me lay her back on the bed? Strip her bare?
I hissed out a breath as I thought about all the things I wanted to do to her gorgeous body. It was my intention to lick that sweet pussy of hers until she was a shaking, sobbing mess. I watched as my hand slid over my cock, the head disappearing and reappearing with my movements.
Once I had her quivering with the need to be filled, I’d put her on her knees. My eyes closed as I pictured her staring up at me as she wrapped her lips around my dick. I groaned, tightening my grip to a punishing level as she started to suck on me in my fantasy.
It didn’t take more than a few more slick strokes before that familiar tingle in my balls had me growling out in pleasure. I opened my eyes in time to watch my cum hit the side of the shower.
Dropping my head back, I enjoyed the sensations while I massaged my length for a bit.
Once my dick became too sensitive, I released it and sighed.
The release had been necessary if I ever wanted to get to sleep tonight, but I knew it would be short lived.
I used the showerhead to wash all evidence away and then finished up.
Excitement to see her again was already building up inside of me. When had been the last time I’d looked forward to anything this much? A long fucking time. Shaking my head, I climbed into bed, wishing she was waiting for me, and shut off the light.