Chapter 5 #2
I squinted as I stepped out of the bar and the sunlight hit me.
Who could I speak to? I had my choice of all the women.
They would all be willing to help, but I needed someone who knew something about rejection.
About it taking a while before her biker gave into his feelings and claimed her. I needed Seek.
Taking the stairs in the clubhouse two at a time, I bolted until I skidded to a stop in front of Seek and Hush's apartment door.
I was breathing heavily, more from the anxiety of the conversation I was about to have than anything else.
I forced myself to knock. The sound echoed through my mind and I almost chickened out.
"Come in!"
Biting my lower lip, I hesitated. Was I ready to lay myself bare just to get some advice?
"I swear to God if you make me get up from this couch I'm going to make you pay! Come in!" Seek called out from inside the apartment.
Chuckling, I opened the door. "Hey, sorry."
"Oh." She frowned. "That's okay. I thought it was one of the guys. Hush has had them stopping in all day to check on me since he's out doing something for Lock."
"That's okay," I said, coming over to where she was sitting on the couch.
An air conditioner was blowing directly on her and she was in shorts and a tank top.
Her belly was so big there was a gap between where the end of the shirt stopped and her shorts started.
The shorts were huge. They had to be Hush's.
"Sorry," she said with a wry smile. "I don't really like maternity clothes. So when I'm home I just-" she broke off and waved a hand at herself.
"You look adorable," I told her.
She scrunched her nose and pointed at the chair next to the couch. "Sit."
"Yes, Ma'am," I replied with a laugh.
She ignored my jab and studied me with shrewd eyes.
She and I were a lot alike. Independent, strong, we even sort of looked alike with long dark hair and blue eyes.
Mine were a little grayer than hers were, but some might mistake us for sisters if they didn't know any better. "Is everything okay, Kit?"
I sighed and dropped my head into my hands. They were cradling my forehead as I stared at the floor. "I wanted to ask you something."
"Okay."
Lifting my head, I looked over at her. "When Hush was firmly in his own head and thinking that the two of you couldn't be together, how did that make you feel?"
Her brows pulled low over her eyes. "Like shit, if I'm being honest. Eventually, I just had to walk away. Lock had a lot to do with Hush finally realizing he wanted me to be his old lady."
Groaning, I nodded. "That's what I figured."
"Why?"
I gave her a pleading look. As much as I needed her to ask that question, I couldn't just blurt out the answer. I hadn't spoken about any of this, before this morning, to anyone before. I was used to keeping it buried inside. In one day, Hellfire had turned my world upside down.
Seek's eyes softened. "You obviously need some help figuring it out, Honey. Why not let me give you some advice?"
I blew out a breath and launched into it before I could talk myself into leaving. "I'm in love with Hellfire." Seek's eyebrows shot up, but she didn't say anything to interrupt. So I rushed on in my explanation. "I've been in love with him for a really long time now."
"And he kissed you," she prompted when I trailed off.
"Again."
"Wait." She sat up a little, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "He kissed you a second time?"
I nodded. "And said he wants me to be his old lady."
She sat there, absorbing the information before she spoke. "So, when you were asking about what happened with me and Hush, it was because you feel like Hush did?"
"Sort of," I whispered. "I want him. Hell, I mean," I clarified. The last thing I needed was an angry pregnant lady after me because she thought I wanted her husband. She was mean as a badger when she was threatened. "But I'm terrified," I admitted.
"Of what?"
"Everything," I sighed. "But mostly that something will go wrong and I'll lose him. And that my brother and he will lose their friendship. But mostly…that I’ll lose him," I repeated.
Seek nodded in understanding. "I get that, but sweetie... You can't let that stop you."
I made a face at her. "Why not?"
"Because," she said in an overly patient tone, "then you'd be cheating both you and Hellfire out of something potentially amazing."
"And if we try this and it doesn't work out?" I asked. "I'll lose my home."
"Huh?" She shook her head in disbelief. "Lock would never kick you out, or fire you. He wouldn't tell you that you couldn't come around anymore."
"He wouldn't," I agreed. "But that doesn't mean I could stay and see Hellfire moving on. Marrying someone. Having kids with them."
She sat back again and a smile spread over her face. "You really are in love with him. I had no idea."
"I tried not to let anyone know," I told her with a rueful smile.
"It worked. Look. Is having these deep feelings scary?
Yes. Could it go badly? Yes. Does that mean you shouldn't try?
No way!" She shrugged her shoulders. "You have a fifty-fifty chance here, Kit.
Love and happiness, or despair. It's the risk we all take.
And in my opinion," she patted her swollen stomach, "it's absolutely worth it. "
The tension bled out of my shoulders and I sagged back against the chair. "I know. I think I was just looking for someone to confirm it."
"So why do you still look so glum?"
"Now Hellfire has to deal with my brother."
Seek snorted out a laugh. "That would be fun to watch, but don't worry. Smokehouse doesn't stand a chance."
"You think?" I asked.
"If Hellfire fails to convince him, we'll sic Dani on him," Seek offered.
We laughed together at the thought of my brother's pregnant old lady tearing into him for standing between me and Hell. "That would be fun to watch," I said, echoing her earlier words.
I went and sat near Seek, resting my hand on her belly so I could feel her baby move. We sat that way and chatted until Hush finally came home.
"Hey, Kit," he said as he walked in the door. "Anythin’ I can help you with?"
"No thanks, Hush. I was just keeping Seek company for a while.
" I gave her a look that told her to keep her trap shut, at least until I left.
I didn't want to be speaking to all of Hell's brothers about this before he even spoke to mine.
I said goodbye to them both, leaning down to give Seek a hug. "Thanks, girl."
"Anytime," she whispered back.
Shoving my hands in my pockets I headed further down the hallway to the apartment the club had given me when they'd ordered us all to move into the clubhouse.
I shut the door behind me and leaned back against it.
I was fighting so many fears, but I couldn't let them take away the one thing I'd always wanted.
Talking to Seek had helped me realize that I was holding myself back out of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of losing everyone I loved here at the club. Fear of being hurt. It was time to take control of my life. Time to stop hiding behind my fears and start living.
I'd never know if I didn't try. If things went badly with Hellfire, we could work through it. I wasn't going to let my brother, or my worries, dictate who I dated or how I lived my life anymore.