Chapter 5
Sunset Pilates in the garden seemed like the ideal way to round off the day. Despite everything, Cleo felt her body relaxing into the moment and for a while, she almost forgot about Erica and the texts.
She realised she was starting to get into the ‘clean eating’ routine, too, and was rather looking forward to another healthy supper bursting with nutritious ingredients she rarely used at home.
On the company website she’d seen fresh figs on the menu, plus vegetable spaghettini, dried cranberries, quinoa, sea bream, edamame beans, sunflower seeds, tahini and many more unusual foods besides.
Already, Mark had also treated the guests to two delicious dressings Cleo had never tried before: spicy red pepper made with cashew nuts, and lime and sesame. She must ask him for the recipes to take back home.
If a glass or two of wine had been on offer, she’d have found it hard to say no, but in truth, she wasn’t missing alcohol or coffee as much as she’d thought she would.
The herbal teas were surprisingly flavoursome and soothing and she was certain her body, at least, was thanking her for the temporary respite from processed foods and everything else she knew was bad for her but consumed anyway.
She sat near Frida and Ingrid at supper and quite decided she’d been born in the wrong generation. The women seemed so strong and independent, as well as intelligent, ambitious and engaging. She couldn’t imagine either of them pining for a man; they didn’t appear to need one.
Perhaps they were gay, but Cleo thought it more likely they were just so busy and focused on their jobs and having fun, romantic relationships weren’t a priority right now. Neither struck her as remotely broody or maternal, but they were young and that could easily change.
After supper, Cleo stayed chatting with Tash, the Norwegians and Noreen for a while. When they peeled off to their rooms, Cleo and Tash decided to grab some blankets from a big basket in the hallway and ‘star-bathe’ for a while in the garden.
As they were leaving, Cleo noticed Maya, in an elegant, dark green top, talking to Henrietta by the French doors. It looked as if they were about to go upstairs as well, and neither turned when Cleo and Tash noisily pushed their chairs back under the table.
They padded in bare feet across the slightly damp grass and spread out their blankets in the middle of the lawn. Then, without another word, they both lay down and gazed up at the night sky, scattered with a myriad, jewel-like stars.
Basking in the beauty and wonder of it all, they didn’t hear footsteps heading in their direction.
‘Hi! D’you mind if I join you?’ a voice called.
Surprised, Cleo sat bolt upright and stared at the shadowy figure of a woman a little way off. She was partially hidden by trees on one side of the lawned area and it was only when she stepped out of the thicket, Cleo realised who it was: Maya.
‘I saw you walking in this direction,’ Maya said, before Cleo had a chance to reply. Tash was sitting up now, too.
‘It’s so early to go to bed,’ Maya went on, coming to halt in front of them. ‘I couldn’t possibly sleep. Is it OK if I sit with you for a while? I won’t stay long.’
It wasn’t what Cleo and Tash had planned, but Cleo’s slight irritation soon melted away. Maya sounded so uncharacteristically humble – almost shy – it was impossible to say no to her.
After glancing at Tash, who gave an almost imperceptible nod, Cleo patted her blanket.
‘Of course. Come and sit down. We were just looking at the stars. They’re so bright tonight.’
‘They are,’ Maya agreed, settling down carefully beside Cleo, drawing up her knees and hugging them tight. ‘I used to know all the names, but I can’t remember them now.’
There was a pause when Cleo glanced at Maya. Her head was bent backwards and she was staring up at the sky, biting her lip. You could tell she wasn’t really focusing on the stars, though.
Cleo had a strong sense Maya wanted to say something but was too nervous or embarrassed, perhaps, to speak. Intrigued and puzzled at the same time, Cleo decided to help her along.
‘Are you married?’ she asked gently, as an opener. ‘Have you got any children? Tash and I have talked a bit about ours.’
‘I’m divorced,’ Maya replied, matter-of-fact. ‘Long since. We were only married a year. I have one son, Adam, who’s nineteen. He lives with his father and his second wife in Texas. I rarely see him.’
Tash made a noise, like a squeal. ‘That must be awful. Do you miss him?’
‘Not really,’ Maya admitted. ‘He was mainly raised by his dad. They moved to Texas when Adam was four. I had a big job and was working incredibly long hours. David, my ex, was not a particularly successful writer – very part-time. He offered to take Adam to the US with him – he’s American and wanted to move back. It made sense, so I said yes.’
Both Cleo and Tash were quiet for a moment.
Cleo was thinking, she couldn’t possibly imagine a situation where she’d have consented to Paul taking her children to live abroad, however hard she was finding it to juggle work and childcare.
She’d rather have died than not see them from one month to the next.
‘Does Adam come over here to visit, or do you go there?’ Tash said, sounding as nonplussed as Cleo felt.
Maya lowered her head and rested her chin on her knees.
‘When he was at school, he used to stay with me for a week or two in the summer holidays. But then he got to an age when he didn’t want to any more. He had his life and his friends in El Paso, where they live; he didn’t want to hang out with me. He hardly knew me.
‘I flew there a couple of times but it was pointless. He was so busy with his soccer matches and his mates, I barely saw him. We speak on the phone occasionally and FaceTime each other at Christmas and on his birthday, but that’s about it. He knows where I am if he wants to see me again.’
She sounded very sure of herself and her choices, but Cleo was beginning to suspect at least some of her bullishness was a defence mechanism. Certainly, something in her expression now suggested she wasn’t quite as strong and invincible as she made out.
‘Maybe you could go and see him now – while you’re on sabbatical?’ Tash proposed brightly. ‘You could take him somewhere nice? I bet he won’t say no to a free holiday.’
Cleo watched Maya carefully and noticed her blink several times before swallowing.
‘I-I’m not really on a sabbatical,’ she said with a stammer, before clearing her throat. ‘I was made redundant.’
Cleo couldn’t hide her surprise. ‘Oh!’
‘It was a complete shock,’ Maya went on, raising her chin again and staring into the distance.
‘I wasn’t expecting it at all. I hadn’t seen it coming.
I knew they were planning to make cutbacks but I’d been there over ten years.
They’d headhunted me and wooed me away from the firm where I’d been working with the offer of loads more money.
I was one of their top performers. I never thought they’d get rid of me. ’
She turned momentarily to face Cleo with a look of such hollow-eyed desolation, it made Cleo’s heart ache. It was as if she could feel a chill seeping through Maya’s clothes into her own bones, making her shiver.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Cleo said, and Maya gave a grim half-smile.
‘My job meant everything to me,’ she said flatly. ‘It was how I defined myself. My value, all my sense of self-worth came from being a successful career woman. I even gave up my son to pursue the dream.’
She laughed without humour.
‘Nothing else mattered and now I have nothing. I am nothing. Why on earth would Adam want to spend time with me when I can’t even bear to spend time with myself?’
Without thinking, Cleo shuffled over to Maya and put an arm round her shoulder. Meanwhile, Tash just stared.
Up to this point, Maya had seemed so confident she’d been the least likely person in the group to show vulnerability. Now she’d unexpectedly lowered her defences and made an honest confession, Tash was speechless. Cleo knew how she felt.
‘You’re not nothing,’ she managed to say, casting round frantically for some words of comfort. ‘You’re still young and you’ve got loads of experience. You’ll find something else soon.’
But Maya shook her head. ‘Don’t you see? I don’t want another job. Getting kicked out has made me re-evaluate everything. I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life, chasing after an illusion. I’ve been a fool. I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t.’
She straightened up and Cleo’s arm fell to her side. She felt guilty now for all the mean thoughts she’d had about Maya. She was obviously suffering, and it must have taken her a lot to open up about it.
‘I don’t know why I’ve told you this, sorry,’ Maya said, as if reading the next questions on Cleo’s mind – Why now? Why them?
Cleo knelt up and looked at Maya seriously. ‘Please, don’t apologise. It’s partly what we’re here for, isn’t it? To connect with each other and hopefully get a fresh perspective on our lives. It’s why I’m here, anyway, and I think Tash is the same.’
Cleo and Maya both glanced at Tash, who nodded vigorously.
‘I’m a total mess,’ she said cheerfully, before telling Maya about her husband’s death and the panic attacks that prevented her from working.
‘I’m also completely skint,’ she went on. ‘I could only come here because my son persuaded my mum to give me the money. He said I needed a holiday.’
She raised her eyebrows. ‘I guess I have been quite hard to live with recently.’
Maya gave a laugh. Cleo realised she hadn’t heard her laugh before or even seen her smile much, come to think of it.
Encouraged by the response, Cleo proceeded to précis her own situation, including her divorce, her estranged daughter, her feelings of failure and her lack of purpose.
‘So you see,’ she said finally, ‘you’re not alone. We’ve all got stuff going on.’
Maya let out a soft sigh, like an autumn leaf falling from the tree.