Chapter 4 #2
Zoe collected their plates and put them into the dishwasher. ‘I’ll have to figure out how this works later,’ she said, taking a moment to study the control panel. ‘When I’ve managed to fill it up. Though, living alone, I’ll probably only have to start it once a week.’
‘How are you feeling about it all?’ Ottilie asked as she returned to the table. ‘Still wondering if you’ve done the right thing?’
‘How did you…? I didn’t say?—’
‘You didn’t have to. I’ve been in your shoes – remember? I can’t tell you how many times I asked myself that question when I first came to Thimblebury. I know you’ve been doing the same. It’s a big step – it’s only human to have doubts.’
‘It doesn’t help that this house – lovely as it is – feels like it’s in the middle of nowhere. I mean, I know there was nothing else in the village and I was lucky to drop on, plus I have Daffodil Farm not too far away…’
‘Leon and Penny too, don’t forget. Have you met them yet?’
Zoe laughed. ‘Not yet… I thought I had met Leon, but it turned out I was being an idiot.’
‘Oh, you’ve always been an idiot. What did you do?’
‘Oh, it was just some guy walking a dog. Thank goodness I didn’t call him Leon or anything.’
Ottilie frowned. ‘Walking a dog up here? There’s no walking route up here. It’s either Victor’s land or Hilltop Farm’s. Are you sure it wasn’t Leon? Did he have a black-and-white collie with him?’
‘No, it was grey and shaggy, sort of a Heinz. He said his name was Alex. Come to think of it, he did tell me he was thinking of buying around here. Hilltop Farm is for sale, right?’
‘Yes. Perhaps he’s thinking of buying Ann’s place then. What was he like?’
‘Pleasant enough,’ Zoe said, wanting to say so much more than that.
She could have waxed lyrical about his eyes, and his voice, and the way he smiled at her, but she’d have sounded ridiculous.
She’d barely spoken two words to him, after all.
It was ridiculous. Besides, there was every possibility she would never see him again.
‘I’ll have to ask Ann when I go to see her tomorrow,’ Ottilie said.
‘I’m so used to going there every morning to look in on her and Darryl and make sure they’re OK, it’s going to be strange when I don’t have to.
I feel so sorry for her. Things must be really rough for her to uproot Darryl like that.
She’d never do it unless she absolutely had no other choice.
I wish there was something I could do to help. ’
‘Is she moving far away?’
‘A little bungalow a few miles down the road. Once they get settled in, I’m sure it will be better for them.
She’s been struggling with Hilltop ever since her husband died.
It’s a big place to take care of, and then there’s the fact that her son needs so much care and attention, and not being able to do much actual farming meant that money was always tight too.
She couldn’t afford to hire help, and I think she felt a bit stuck in the end.
I don’t blame her for moving on. I’m only surprised she managed to hold on for this long. ’
‘So if she’s got a place to go to, she presumably wants a quick sale?’
‘I would imagine so.’
‘I wonder if he’s already bought it?’
‘The man you met today?’
‘I mean, if Hilltop is what he meant, but it seems that way, doesn’t it?’
‘Well, I expect we’ll find out soon enough.’ Ottilie went to the shopping bag she’d left on Zoe’s kitchen worktop and pulled out a covered dish. ‘Tiramisu?’
‘You made pudding as well? I love tiramisu!’
‘I know you do – that’s why I made it.’
‘Can you marry me instead of Heath, please?’
‘Sorry, I am quite excited to marry him. We could adopt you. How’s that sound?’
‘Whatever it takes to get casserole and tiramisu every week, I’m in!’
Ottilie chuckled as she opened a drawer. ‘Where are your spoons?’
‘Along one… that’s it.’
Ottilie grabbed a pair of spoons while Zoe looked for the bowls that she knew Melanie had left behind. ‘Where are they…?’ she murmured. ‘Oh, sod it!’ she exclaimed, coming back to the table. ‘I vote we eat it from your dish. Who needs bowls?’
Ottilie laughed. ‘Heathen.’
‘It’ll save on washing up too.’
‘You have a dishwasher!’
‘Yeah, but I did say I only wanted to run it once a week, so…’
Still laughing, Ottilie uncovered the dish, and they both dug their spoons into it.
‘That’s amazing!’ Zoe said, letting the flavours of coffee and cream flood her mouth. ‘So good!’
‘I thought I could keep the leftovers for lunch at the surgery on Monday. I told you we do the communal lunch thing, didn’t I? It’s my turn to take pudding on Monday.’
Zoe grinned as she dug for another spoonful. ‘Bold of you to assume there’ll be leftovers!’
Having seen Ottilie off later than either of them had planned after laughing and talking like they’d never left their student days, Zoe was tired but happier than she had been when she’d first taken possession of the cottage.
Still, she went round the house more than once to check the doors were all locked before going to shower and change into her pyjamas, and the silence outside her windows was so absolute and profound compared to what she’d been used to living in Manchester that she almost shot through the bedroom ceiling when her phone began to ring.
She’d plugged it in to charge at her bedside but retrieved it with some trepidation when she saw the caller ID.
‘Hey… anything the matter?’
‘I can’t just call to see if you’re OK?’
Ritchie’s voice was all at once jarring, yet comforting and familiar.
‘Of course, it’s …well, I hadn’t expected it.’
‘It’s late, I know. Sorry about that. I can ring off if you don’t?—’
‘Don’t do that. It’s not late, but it’s been a long day.’
‘I hear you moved into your new house today.’
‘Who told you?’
‘I saw your brother. He told me.’
‘Ah.’
‘Don’t shout at him – I asked. I know you’ve moved away now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t ask how you are, does it?’
‘I wasn’t going to shout at him – it doesn’t matter who knows. Yes, I’m all moved in. More or less. I’ve got some boxes to come, but I’m here.’
‘It’s nice? It’s the Lake District, right?’
‘Yes. It’s lovely. Seems lovely, but it will take time to get used to it. I start my new job on Monday. That’s going to take some getting used to too.’
‘You didn’t have to leave Manchester, you know. How will you cope?’
‘I’m not sure whether to be thankful for your concern or annoyed that you don’t think I can cope.’
‘You know what I mean.’
‘I know, sorry…like I said, long day. There’s plenty of support around here. I’m sure I’ll be fine.’
‘You don’t know anyone.’
‘Not properly, not yet, but I will. Ottilie made it work.’
‘Ott— oh yeah, her. ’
Zoe’s forehead creased at the change in his tone. ‘What does that mean?’
‘If not for her, you’d still be in Manchester.’
‘What if I was? It doesn’t make any difference to you.’
‘I know, but?—’
‘Ritchie, don’t do this. We agreed it was for the best, and we can’t keep going back and forth on it. I don’t know about you, but I haven’t come this far to undo everything. And we can’t go back to the way we were – it wasn’t healthy for either of us.’
‘So you keep saying.’
‘We agreed,’ Zoe repeated. She rubbed at her temple. ‘Not that I don’t appreciate you calling, but it’s late and?—’
‘Of course. Sorry, I shouldn’t have called.’
‘Don’t make me feel guilty.’
‘I’m not trying to.’
‘But you are.’
‘Will you message me? Later in the week – to let me know how things are.’
Zoe nodded, forgetting for a moment that he couldn’t see her reply. She didn’t see the point, and yet, knowing that he wanted to be sure she was OK pulled at her resolve.
‘Zoe…?’
‘Sorry, yes. I’ll text you.’
‘If it’s a problem, then…’
‘It’s not. But don’t worry too much if it’s not for a few days. I’ll be busy.’
There was a pause too long for Zoe’s liking until he relented. ‘Right then. Don’t forget to text me. If you don’t?—’
‘I will. Bye, Ritchie.’
She ended the call without waiting for his response. If he had anything else to add, it would have to wait.
After plugging the phone back in, she dropped to the bed and sat staring out of the window.
Dusk had claimed the world beyond it, turning the hills into black shadows with only a handful of yellow lights to mark out where there were houses clinging to their sides.
Above them, the sky was indigo, becoming ink blue, the first stars blinking. Why did this have to be so hard?
Her hand went to her belly, an instinctive move that only saddened her whenever it happened.
Six months after she’d lost her baby, she still did it.
Her life would have looked so different now if only she’d managed to take better care of her child, if only there had been some way to prevent the loss that haunted her.
She blamed herself, even though she’d told so many other women who’d suffered the exact same tragedy that it wasn’t their fault.
Her professional mind knew she wasn’t to blame, but that didn’t stop her feeling it.
She’d lost her baby, and then she’d lost so much more.
Things had to get better soon, didn’t they?