Chapter 9 #3
‘So what was all that about your door always being open? When you moved away, you said you wanted to stay in touch and you wanted us to be friends because you hated to see when couples threw away big piles of memories they’d made with someone because of a divorce.’
Zoe pulled in a long breath to steady herself.
She had said all of that and she’d meant it, but she hadn’t realised Ritchie would take it quite so literally.
She’d always wanted them to be able to speak to one another civilly if their paths were to cross, and she didn’t want to taint the good memories from their marriage by turning what they’d once had into hatred.
And while she was happy to have a relationship of sorts with him, surely he understood that didn’t mean he should have a presence in her life that was almost as big as it had been when they’d been together?
At first, she’d understood they needed one another – they’d both been grieving the loss of their baby even as their marriage had disintegrated, and she’d wanted to be there for him.
But there was a time limit – there had to be.
She couldn’t be there for him forever. She needed to move on, and so did he, and that was hardly likely to happen if he kept turning up every time he was bored or lonely.
‘I only wanted to make sure you were all right,’ he said as she put the flowers into the sink and searched for a vase.
‘Is that so bad? I still care about you, even though we’re not together.
And is it so wrong to worry about you? You did go a bit crazy for a while after the baby…
’ He shrugged. ‘You know, all that business when we lost it…’
It still stung. It stung that Ritchie could talk about those times as if they were a minor inconvenience instead of the earth-shattering, soul-crushing weeks that they were.
‘ Him !’ Zoe snapped. ‘When we lost him ! Because our little boy died!’
‘I know,’ he said, flushing. ‘That’s what I meant…Come on, Zo, you know I’m no good at this stuff.’
Zoe folded her arms tight, but the hurt on his face shattered her resolve.
‘I know. I still care about you too – you know that. Whatever happens, that won’t change.
I only meant…well, don’t you think we should look outside what we had a bit more now that we’re not together. We both need to build new lives.’
‘And you seem really keen to build yours. Was that your new boyfriend?’
‘What?’ Zoe let a cupboard door slam with more force than she’d meant to as she spun back to face him. ‘Alex? God no! He’s a new neighbour! He only came by to say hello.’
‘I bet he did.’
‘He did, and even if he hadn’t…’ Zoe sat down across from Ritchie, who’d taken a seat at the table. ‘You’re telling me you haven’t even started to think about seeing other women?’
‘It’s too soon for that.’ He paused, his expression strangely worried. ‘You have?’
‘No, but that’s not the point. If the right person came along for either of us, it’d be silly to ignore that, wouldn’t it? I’m not looking for a second go, but if the opportunity came along, I’d like to think I’d have your blessing. You’d have mine.’
‘You would – you know you would, but…’
Zoe suppressed a sigh. How could she make it clear that she didn’t want him to keep coming around, without him getting that expression that made him look like a puppy she’d just kicked?
It was becoming clear that the staying-friends thing wasn’t working.
The only way they could move on was to let go.
While she’d been living in Manchester, he’d come round to her flat every week, but she’d written it off as him feeling lost and not having a huge network of friends.
The fact was, her place was close by and so she’d forgiven it.
She’d even tolerated it with some positivity because she’d been relieved that they’d been able to stay friends, and having him round for the odd meal had reinforced that friendship.
But part of her making the decision to move away had been to loosen those ties.
It had become too regular and too much, and she’d started to see that it wasn’t doing either of them any good.
Did she have to keep moving? Was that the answer?
Would she have to keep changing her address until he lost track of her?
Or did she simply have to take the bull by the horns and tell him?
‘I’m sorry for coming,’ he said into the gap. ‘I only wanted to talk. I’ve had a redundancy notice.’
‘What?’
He nodded. ‘Yeah. Last thing today before we went home. It’s been coming for a while, but it’s still a shock.’
‘You never said anything!’
‘I didn’t want to bother you with it. I mean, we’re not together so I didn’t think you’d be that interested.’
‘Of course I would be, Ritchie. We’re still friends. So how long have you got?’
‘A couple of months, so I can try to find something else.’
‘They really have no other post they can slot you into?’
‘They’re closing our branch, and they’ve said we can relocate to another, but I don’t want to move, so…’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I don’t know.’ His shoulders slumped as he looked up at her. ‘You were always so good in these situations. I feel as if I’m losing everything, bit by bit. You’re gone, and now my job…’
‘You’re sure you can’t see yourself relocating?’
‘Is that what you think I ought to do?’
‘It doesn’t matter what I think – I’m asking you what you think. Have you really gone through it, or have you made a decision based on your gut reaction? I know you love Manchester, but there’s a big world out there, and some of it is almost as good.’
His smile was small and rueful. ‘See. This is why I was so much better with you.’
‘Ritchie…let’s not go down that road again.’
‘I know, I know – you’re right, like you always are. I didn’t mean to…’
Zoe reached to give his hand a brief squeeze. ‘You’ll be fine, you know. You’re going to get another job, or you’re going to relocate, and you’ll surprise yourself at how well you handle it.’
‘I wish I could agree, but thanks. See, I know you didn’t want me to come, but when you make me feel so much better, how could I not?’
‘I never said I didn’t want you to come.
’ And there it was – the moment had come and gone.
This wasn’t the time to tell him that they had to stop getting together like this.
Ritchie clearly needed her, and how could she refuse him?
If not for what they had now, she owed him for what they’d once had.
‘Have you eaten yet?’
‘No.’
‘I’ve got some moussaka to heat up. It’s not much, but I can make it stretch. I mean, we’d have to put some bread with it, and it’s only cheap bread, but… well, do you want to stay a while? What there is you’re welcome to share.’
‘You’re sure it’s no bother?’
‘Not a bit,’ she said, even though there was a little voice in her head telling her she would regret it.