Chapter 22
Zoe tried not to let the baby store bother her, but it did, and she realised now she ought to have seen this coming. Fortunately, Alex and Billie didn’t seem to have noticed.
It was more of a large warehouse than a shop, decorated in pastels and bright, bold murals, and everywhere she looked there were soft furnishings, honeyed and whitewashed pine, and baby toys.
She glanced at Billie, who was silent at Alex’s side as they walked in.
There wasn’t a flicker of a smile. Not a hint of any excitement, or anticipation, or any sign to indicate she might be pleased to be there at all.
If anything, Billie looked even more depressed by the shop than Zoe.
‘Hello…’ A young sales assistant bounded up to them. ‘Are you looking for anything in particular?’ She glanced from Zoe to Billie, as if not quite sure who she was supposed to be addressing, and then Alex spoke for both of them.
‘We want to buy a cot. For a newborn.’
‘Ah, right this way…’ The woman led them to a section towards the rear of the store.
‘Did you have anything particular in mind? We’ve got more traditional ones there…
and then some with more modern features.
They’re all tested for safety, so you don’t have to worry about that whichever you choose. What’s your budget?’
‘I don’t think we really have one,’ Alex said.
‘He means we haven’t talked about it,’ Billie put in, speaking for the first time since they got there. ‘What’s your cheapest?’
The young woman looked faintly confused as she glanced between the three of them again, and Zoe inwardly smiled.
She wondered if she looked old enough to be Billie’s mum, as if she and Alex were the grandparents, which might have been a little bit funny if it hadn’t also felt a bit insulting.
Did she look old enough to be Billie’s mum? She hoped not.
‘We have some sale ones,’ the assistant continued, pointing to a row that included one painted sage green, one buttermilk and a couple of varnished shades. ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, just end of lines. You could start there if you like.’
‘Could you leave us to have a look?’ Alex asked. ‘We’ll call you over if we need to ask about anything.’
‘Of course. I’ll be over by the counter if you want me.’
‘So…’ Alex looked at Billie as the assistant left them. ‘There’s no reason why we can’t spend whatever the one you want costs. I’ve got a bigger budget than the sales ones.’
‘There’s no point. The baby’s only going to sleep in there, and I don’t care what it looks like.’
Alex threw a pleading glance at Zoe, but she couldn’t help him. There was an undeniable logic in Billie’s argument.
‘All right.’ He turned back to Billie. ‘What do you think? Anything catching your eye in the discount section?’
Billie shrugged as she looked over the sale models.
‘This one’s nice,’ Zoe said, going over to the one with the buttermilk lacquer, hoping to encourage some sort of reaction from Alex’s daughter.
‘It’s fine,’ Billie said. She wandered over and stared at it for a moment.
‘It’s a good price,’ Zoe added. ‘They’ve knocked a lot off.’
‘Yeah.’ Alex rubbed at his chin as he looked it over. ‘I know she said end of line and there’s nothing wrong with them, but this is an important buy, and I’d rather pay a bit more and know that we’re getting something without faults.’
‘It looks fine to me,’ Zoe said with an encouraging smile, trying to facilitate some middle ground between him and his daughter.
Alex glanced up at her. ‘You think so? I mean, if you say it looks all right…’
‘But Billie is the one who has to decide,’ Zoe added. ‘Like you say, it’s important to pick the right one.’
‘They’re only going to sleep in it,’ Billie reiterated. ‘It doesn’t really matter.’
‘They sleep a lot,’ Zoe reminded her. ‘And as they grow, they’ll wriggle about, and then they’ll be messing with bits, and then they’ll learn how to stand up and they’ll be trying to climb out.
You have to have a lot of confidence in your cot – it’s not just a place to sleep; it’s like a little containment unit when you can’t watch them. ’
Alex smiled. ‘I never thought of it that way. See, it’s good that you came with us.’
‘The girl said they’re all safe,’ Billie put in. ‘So it still doesn’t matter which one we have because they’ll all protect the baby.’
‘So choose one,’ Alex said with the faintest hint of impatience in his voice now.
‘I am,’ Billie fired back. ‘I’m saying it doesn’t matter – they’re all the same.’
‘Then pick the one you like?’ Zoe said. ‘You must have some sort of preference.’
Alex smoothed his expression and turned back to Zoe. ‘Which one would you buy if it was for you?’
Zoe steeled herself. She walked the row of reductions, not wanting to lead him to something he might feel was out of his price range, considering each one.
But then her eye was drawn to something that she knew most would consider old-fashioned, varnished in mahogany and dressed in floral cot bumpers.
She went over and ran a hand over the fabric.
‘We had one like this,’ she said quietly.
‘Second-hand, given to us by Ritchie’s cousin.
He wanted to take it to the tip and buy a new one and not tell her, but I liked it. I thought it was perfect.’
When she looked up, both Alex and Billie were staring at her with very different expressions. Billie looked sorry and sad while Alex looked as if he wanted the ground to swallow him.
‘Not that it matters,’ she added quickly. ‘We’re choosing for you, aren’t we, Billie?’ She hurried to another, far brighter and more modern cot and stood over it. ‘This is nice and sturdy. A good price too.’
Billie came over to look. ‘It’s all right.’ She undid the section that slid up and down to access the baby and pushed and pulled at it. And then she flicked at the bumpers. ‘Do you have to buy all this other stuff as well?’
‘I would,’ Zoe said. ‘You don’t have to get any of it now, but at some point, you might want to. When baby starts to move more, they might bump their head on the bars.’
‘We should get everything today,’ Alex said. ‘Then we’ve got it when we need it. Plus, it will save us another drive out – we might be a lot busier than we are now in a few months.’
‘OK,’ Billie said. ‘I’ll have this one then.’
‘You don’t want to look at any of the others?’
She shook her head. ‘Zoe says this one is good.’
‘But if you want to choose something—’ Zoe began, but Billie was already walking away to look at soft furnishings.
Zoe glanced at Alex. He watched his daughter for a moment and then turned back to Zoe.
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘For what?’
‘For bringing you here. I never thought…I shouldn’t have pushed you to come.’
‘I didn’t mind.’
‘You should. It was insensitive of me when I knew about your baby. And then you were looking at that cot and you seemed…’
‘I can’t go around pretending other women aren’t having babies,’ Zoe said. She pushed a bright smile across her face for him. ‘I mean, that would be daft when it’s my job to help look after them.’
‘That’s your job, but this…’ He shook his head. ‘I’m an idiot.’
Zoe was about to speak again when she noticed Billie coming back to them.
‘I thought you wanted to look at this stuff.’
‘We’re coming,’ Zoe said, giving one last look to Alex to tell him she was OK.
She was – she had to be. She didn’t want to be the person who sucked the joy from the room, and she was learning to cope with her loss, slowly but surely.
There would be moments when she’d think about it, when she’d be too tempted to imagine how her life would be now if her baby had arrived in the world safe and sound, of course there would, but she couldn’t let those moments define her.
As Billie and Alex pored over mattresses with the sales assistant, Zoe took the opportunity to sneak off and look at the toys.
Alex glanced up once or twice to see where she was, but when she got a moment or two unnoticed, she picked up a colourful rattle and teething ring and took them to the counter to pay.
Slipping them into her bag, she went to join the others.
‘Are you OK?’ Alex mouthed when Billie wasn’t looking. She nodded, and he turned back to the assistant as she worked out costs on a calculator.
A few minutes later, he went to settle the bill and arrange for delivery of the things they’d bought. Billie watched him in silence from a seat near the entrance doors, Zoe at her side.
‘I think your dad’s relieved to have this sorted out,’ Zoe said.
‘I don’t know why – it’s not his problem.’
‘It’s nobody’s problem ,’ Zoe said. ‘He only wants the best for you and the baby.’
‘Maybe…’ Billie replied. Then she was silent again.
Zoe felt she ought to say something more but didn’t know what, and then Alex was on his way back over.
‘They can deliver next week,’ he said, rubbing his hands together and offering Billie a smile that was full of hope, desperate for validation. He wanted her to say he’d done a good thing, that he was being what she needed, but Billie only nodded and then got up from her seat.
‘One step closer to being all set,’ Zoe said, wanting to give him what Billie couldn’t. ‘That’s good. It’ll be a lot less stressful when the time comes if you have everything ready.’
Shoving his hands in his pockets, he hesitated and then spoke again. ‘I don’t suppose anyone fancies stopping somewhere on the way back for a bite to eat? Or a drink or something…it seems a shame to go straight home when we’re close to a decent-sized town.’
‘I’m tired,’ Billie said before heading to the doors.
Alex looked at Zoe. ‘Maybe you could come to Hilltop for a drink before you go home? I’d walk you back afterwards.’
‘That does sound nice, but if Billie’s tired…you could come to mine.’
‘I would, but…’ He let his gaze wander to the car park beyond the glass doors of the shop, where Billie was waiting.
‘Of course,’ Zoe said. ‘Maybe another time.’
‘I’m really grateful, you know,’ he added. ‘It must have taken a lot for you to come here. I wish you’d said something when I asked?—’
‘I told you – it’s fine. I wanted to come. I’m not sure how much help I’ve been, but if it’s been any help at all, then I’m glad.’
‘Billie probably wouldn’t say so, but I think you have. She needs a few more women in her life, especially women like you.’
‘Like me?’ Zoe raised her eyebrows. ‘I’m assuming you mean that in a good way?’
‘In the best way,’ he said, his voice suddenly warm and fervent. ‘We’re so lucky to have you living so close by.’
‘I think so too,’ Zoe said, fighting a blush that spread up from her neck. ‘Not that you’re lucky to have me, but I’m lucky to have you. I mean, you two…both of you.’
He looked to where Billie was pacing up and down next to their car and then offered Zoe a look of apology. ‘I suppose we’d better go.’
She hadn’t really wanted to come shopping with them, for all sorts of reasons that boiled down to her professional boundaries, but now, as she watched him walk back to his daughter, professional boundaries were the last thing on her mind.
She was already way past that, in deep, and she was glad she’d come.
She wanted to be a part of their lives – not just Alex’s, but Billie’s too.