Chapter 26
As she made her way through the crowds, it took every ounce of fortitude she had not to start crying.
It wasn’t like her to react like this – Ottilie had that right.
But it wasn’t every day that she managed to make almost everyone she knew angry in some way.
She’d been forced to stop and exchange pleasantries with villagers on her way out, and it had been torture.
She’d just heaved a sigh of relief on having made it to the end when she felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Ritchie there.
‘What…?’ Her mouth dropped open, and he grinned.
‘Surprise!’
‘What are you doing here?’
‘Can’t I visit? I thought we were OK with that.’
‘Of course,’ Zoe said. She’d meant to set some boundaries about him visiting when they’d last talked, and for some reason she hadn’t. Now she was very much wishing she had. ‘It’s just here… I didn’t expect to find you at this. How did you even know?’
‘Facebook. I follow the village news page. It’s not that hard.’
Of course he followed Thimblebury’s Facebook page. Why wouldn’t he? Zoe held in a groan. As if her day wasn’t complicated enough. But then she noticed him studying her.
‘You’re upset,’ he said.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Don’t give me that. You think I don’t know you well enough by now to see when you’ve been crying? What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing’s wrong.’
‘Come on…’ He took her by the elbow and started to lead her away from the crowds. ‘Let’s go somewhere quieter.’
‘That’s what I was trying to do when I bumped into you.’
‘Didn’t look as if you were managing. I’ve been trying to get your attention for ten minutes, and you kept talking to people.’
She turned to him with a frown. ‘How long have you been here?’
He pointed to a road off the main street. ‘Is that the right way to your house?’
‘Not as such, but you could go that way.’
‘It looks less busy; let’s go that way.’
‘Ritchie, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?’
‘I only just decided to come and check it out.’
‘On your own?’
‘I was interested. Anyway, I wouldn’t have been on my own – you’re here.’
‘You didn’t know I’d be here. I might have decided to stay away.’
‘You?’ He gave a short laugh. ‘Stay away from a celebration? Anyway, I thought even if you weren’t here, I thought I’d have a look and then come up to your house.’
He hadn’t really answered her question, but she gave up on it because it was clear he wasn’t going to.
She stopped on the narrow pavement. ‘I don’t want to go home.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t. If I go home now…’
She had wanted to go home, but now she didn’t. If she let Ritchie take her home, it would send the wrong kind of signal; it would tell him that she needed him. And she did – at least, she needed someone – and that was even more dangerous.
‘If I go home now,’ she continued, ‘it means they’ve won.’
‘Who’s won?’
‘People. Problems…I don’t know, just they. That’s what you say, isn’t it? When it’s all vague and just life. You don’t let them win.’
‘Don’t let the bastards grind you down?’
‘Yes, exactly.’
‘You want to go back to the carnival or whatever it is?’
‘Not yet. Maybe in a bit. I might find somewhere to sit and collect my thoughts. You can go back to Manchester.’
‘Why would I do that? I came to see you.’
‘I thought you’d come because you were interested in Thimblebury.’
‘Well, yeah…but I was still counting on you being here. And I was right. It’s a good job I know you so well. So where do you want to go?’
Zoe thought for a moment. ‘There’s a bit of the riverbank where you can sit. It’s nice.’
‘Lead the way then.’
His hand brushed hers as they began to walk, and though there was something comforting in the contact, she moved out of range. It was a bit too comforting in her present state of mind.
Fallen leaves were mulched into the pathways that led to the riverbank, and the air smelled like the beginning of winter, where the promise of freezing rain and heavy snows were still only that, a promise, but one that would be delivered.
Crows cawed in the trees above and circled distant fields, and the sun was already past its zenith.
‘Is that a new dress?’ he asked.
‘You’ve seen me in this tons of times before.’
‘Have I? Well, it looks good. Cute. I always thought that cute was a word that suited you. I mean, it still is, obviously.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You’re meant to tell me I look good now.’
‘You do,’ she replied vacantly.
‘You didn’t even look.’
‘Ritchie…can we not do this right now?’
‘Oh, yeah… sorry.’
‘You don’t have to be sorry, but I can’t.’
‘Of course…I’ll shut up.’
‘I didn’t mean that…’ Zoe let out a sigh. ‘You don’t have to shut up.’
‘I’m annoying you.’
‘You’re not annoying me. I don’t have a lot of patience to spare today. I don’t want to tell you about it; I only need you to know that’s how it is. And I do appreciate you being here, but I can’t cope with your…’
She paused. She’d offended enough people today, and she didn’t really want to add Ritchie to the list, even though his presence was already causing her problems.
‘I get it,’ he said. ‘Not another word.’
‘I didn’t mean that. Tell me what’s going on with you? What about your job hunt? Found anything yet?’
He soon forgot he was meant to be comforting Zoe and launched into a well-worn rant about the state of the job market and how little his worth was recognised in any quarter.
She didn’t mind. She wasn’t really listening, but the sound of his voice was so familiar it took her back to a place and time where she’d been so certain of everything and everyone, she’d barely ever questioned her life.
The sound of running water reached them before they saw the river, shielded by a wall of trees and a high bank, but eventually, through branches pockmarked by the dense remains of old bird nests and the last leaves of the year, they saw it.
The old bench that Zoe had known would be there was covered in soggy leaves and had moss growing in the corners.
Ritchie did his best to clear it, but she still perched on the edge to prevent her dress being ruined.
He took a seat next to her, leaning forward as she was.
Aware of his knee resting against hers, Zoe gazed at the river as it swept past and took a cleansing breath.
‘Better?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’
‘It’s nice here.’
‘I don’t come down here that often, to be honest. I never seem to have the time. I ought to try and make time.’
‘So you want to tell me what’s got you so upset?’
‘It’s nothing?—’
‘Zo, I thought we were friends. It’s me, Ritchie. Your Ritchie; I’ll always be that, no matter what. I’m here for you.’
‘It’s…’ Zoe’s shoulders slumped. ‘Do you ever feel as if nothing you do will ever be right?’
‘My whole bloody life. But not you – you’re not like that. I always thought, of the two of us, you were the one with a plan, the doer. I only drifted along at your side, but you…’
‘I must have been good at faking then.’
‘Something’s happened today to make you feel like this, I take it?’ he asked, and for once she was taken aback by his astute appraisal of the situation.
‘More than one thing. And not only today. Ever since…ever since I lost our baby, I haven’t felt like anything has been right, and it only seems to be getting worse.
That happened, and then we started to break apart, and then…
I always had my job. I had faith that whatever else was wrong in my life, I had that, and I was important and what I did mattered, and I was good at it. ’
‘This is just about your job?’
‘No, that’s only part of it, but that’s the part I always trusted, and so if that’s going wrong, then what chance do I have with any of it?’
‘I’m not sure I’m following.’
‘I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t be following either.’
Zoe stopped and stared out over the river. A tangled clump of twigs and leaves sailed by. She watched its path downstream before shrugging. ‘I upset someone. A really good friend. And I don’t know if I can fix it.’
‘Ottilie?’
‘No, not Ottilie.’
‘You don’t have to tell me.’ He reached to loop an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.
She allowed her head to lean on his chest. His smell was so warm and familiar; if she closed her eyes, she could imagine herself in the past, before she’d lost her baby, before they’d fallen apart, when he was all she needed.
It felt like a safe place to be, uncomplicated and lovely.
As he rubbed at her arm, she closed her eyes and a tear squeezed from the corner of one of them.
‘This is nice,’ he said after a pause that seemed to stretch for hours, filled only with the sound of the water rushing by and birds in the trees, and muffled music in the distance.
Zoe couldn’t deny that it was nice. She took deep breaths, in and out, and with every inhale he was a little more in her head, the memory of him, of what they’d once been when life had been so much simpler. She tilted to look up at him. ‘Thanks.’
He smiled – and in the next instant kissed her.
It was so sudden, so quick, that at first she could barely process it. It felt obvious and good, like a favourite pair of comfortable shoes, something she could trust in. Then came the guilt and a realisation that was like a thunderbolt. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want Ritchie. She wanted…
She tore her lips from his and stared at him. ‘What are you doing?’
‘I thought…I thought we were having a moment. I thought that was what you wanted.’
‘My fault…’ Zoe gathered herself and stood up. ‘God, I’m so stupid !’
‘Wait… what’s wrong?’
Zoe threw her hands in the air. ‘Everything!’
‘Even me?’
‘Yes, you! Ritchie, I don’t want to hurt you, but we can’t go back – surely you understand that?’
‘Why can’t we? We’re not divorced yet; we can stop it.’
She stared at him. She understood. Maybe she’d always understood, but she hadn’t wanted to admit it. ‘That’s the only reason you’ve been coming here.’
‘Of course it’s not?—’
‘Oh, Ritchie, why? Why did you have to do that? I thought we’d got it worked out; I thought we’d found a way to split and stay friends.
I was so smug about it to everyone who said you can’t be both, and I was like, yes, me and Ritchie can.
But we can’t – today has proved that. I don’t want us to go through the rest of our lives hating one another, but we can’t have contact, not like this, not like we’ve been doing. It won’t work.’
‘There’s someone else? That guy, your neighbour…’
Zoe narrowed her eyes. Ritchie had admitted to being at the celebrations for longer than she’d been aware of. Had he seen her argument with Alex?
‘If there was, it has nothing to do with us,’ she said. She started to walk.
‘Where are you going?’
‘Home.’
‘Don’t you want to talk?’
She stopped and turned back. ‘There’s nothing to talk about.’
‘There’s loads to talk about!’
‘You came for the celebrations, so go and enjoy them.’
‘We have to sort this out.’
‘We have sorted it out. We sorted it out months ago. Nothing has changed since then.’
‘You could have fooled me,’ he said in a voice heavy with hurt. ‘We were getting somewhere, just then.’
‘No, you thought you were. You caught me at a vulnerable moment and you took advantage, and that’s not fair. You haven’t been honest with me this whole time you’ve been coming to Thimblebury. I didn’t want to believe it, but I see it now. It was always your plan to lure me into coming back to you.’
‘Would it be so bad?’ he asked with outstretched arms, exasperation in his voice. ‘Am I that bad?’
‘Of course you’re not,’ she said. ‘But we’re not the same people we were before. I can’t love you like I did before because that Zoe isn’t this Zoe.’
‘You’re making no sense.’
‘Probably not to you, but it makes perfect sense to me.’
‘What about everything going wrong all the time? I thought you were miserable.’
‘I am,’ she said, turning once again to leave. ‘But that’s something I’m going to have to work out for myself.’