Chapter 27 #2
‘No, but I feel as if I ought to have thought to ask him at the time. To be honest, I was a bit overwhelmed. He was pretty angry. He told me that you’d told him it was my idea.
I can’t help feeling I’ve been thrown under the bus here.
I said it was an option, but I never said that’s what you ought to do. ’
‘I thought he might roast you. Sorry about that.’
Zoe shot her a sideways glance and was encouraged to see that, although there weren’t any huge indications, she did look a tiny bit more remorseful than she had so far today. ‘If you thought he was going to roast me, why say it?’
‘I didn’t know he was going to roast you when I first told him. Obviously. I wouldn’t have mentioned you at all if I’d known. I thought you and him were all into each other, so it would be all right.’
They arrived at the gate of Kestrel Cottage. Zoe pushed it open, watching Billie’s face as she did. There was more to all this, she was sure of it, but Billie was playing her cards close to her chest and doing a fine job of it.
‘Hang on, I need to grab an old towel to dry Grizzle’s feet before you come in, if that’s all right.’
‘Want me to take my shoes off?’
‘If you don’t mind.’
Zoe kicked off her own boots in the hallway before dashing to the airing cupboard, digging into the bottom layer of her linens to get the oldest towel she had.
She half expected to find Billie had gone and taken Grizzle with her when she got back to the front door, but they were both still there, Billie in her socks in the hallway and Grizzle sitting patiently on the step.
Zoe bent down to give his paws a wipe. He thought she was playing and started to jump about so that in the end there was yet more mud on her dress and not very much on the towel.
She gave it up as a bad job and let him dart into the house.
‘He doesn’t jump on furniture,’ Billie said, only for them both to walk into the living room and find him standing to attention with what looked like a proud grin on Zoe’s sofa. ‘Not at our house,’ Billie corrected.
At this point, Zoe had given up, so she ignored him and went to the kitchen, beckoning Billie to follow.
‘When did you decide about the adoption?’ she asked as she opened the fridge.
‘This morning.’
‘This morning?’ Zoe took out a bottle of orange juice and held it up.
Billie nodded. ‘Yeah, I’ll have orange juice.’
‘Just like that?’ Zoe continued, shaking the juice. ‘You thought it and you said it straight out? No wonder it came as a shock to your dad.’
‘I couldn’t see the point in messing around. Dad would have only said “Why didn’t you say something before?” if I hadn’t said anything right away. He usually does.’
‘Is that usually when you don’t have something quite this big to tell him?’
Billie took the glass of juice Zoe offered her. ‘He started the serious conversation, so I thought I might as well, as we were being all deep anyway.’
Zoe sat at the table and invited Billie to do the same. Grizzle padded into the kitchen and settled at her feet. ‘Oh? What were you being all deep about?’
‘Stuff about Mum and how Dad wasn’t looking to replace her and…’ Billie shrugged. ‘That kind of thing.’
Zoe was silent for a moment as she pondered what Billie had told her. It sounded as if he was trying to reassure Billie about his date. It was the only conclusion she could come to that made sense. ‘Has he been with anyone since your mum died?’
‘No. He was never interested. He always said he’d never find anyone like her.’
Zoe wasn’t sure how to answer that so she changed tack to something that felt like safer ground.
‘This decision to give your baby up. You said you made it this morning and thought you ought to tell your dad sooner rather than later. Was it really that quick? Had you given it any thought before then?’
‘Yeah, of course I did. I couldn’t make up my mind before, and then this morning I did. I’ve thought about it loads.’
‘So you’re sure? Like really, really sure? There’s no chance you might not be sure? That you might change your mind?’
‘If I change my mind, then I won’t do it.’
‘I’m not sure it’s that simple. There’s an emotional cost to announcing things like this off the cuff.’
‘What does that mean?’
Zoe reached for her glass. ‘Never mind; it doesn’t matter.
I know you’ve already told your dad, but I think you ought to give it a few days before you lock the decision in your own mind.
Sleep on it, see how it feels to know that’s coming.
Try to imagine giving birth and then giving your baby to someone to take away, knowing you’ll never see them again. ’
‘I have. I won’t be any good at looking after the baby anyway, even if I wanted to keep it.’
Zoe nodded slowly. ‘OK, fine. As long as you’ve thought it through and you’re certain, that’s all I wanted to know.’
‘You’re not going to try to change my mind?’
‘No. The only person who can do that is you. If it’s what you want, then I’ll support you the whole way.’
Billie seemed content with that. She sipped at her juice and then stood up. ‘If you’re OK, I think I’m going to go. Thanks for the drink.’
‘Thanks for being there when I needed you.’
‘A girl’s got to have a girl’s back.’
‘Well, you had mine, and I’m glad.’
Billie studied her briefly. ‘Want me to talk to my dad for you?’
‘About what?’
‘You and him? I could if you wanted me to.’
‘I don’t know how I’d feel about that. It might come across as a bit spineless, if you see what I mean? I think if anyone’s going to talk to him about it, that’s got to be me. But quite honestly, I don’t see him wanting to listen.’
It was strange, but whatever was going on with her and Alex, Zoe had the sense that things had suddenly developed in a far more positive way with Billie. And while she was glad of that, the irony was not lost on her.