Chapter 5 #2
‘Maybe it’s because life has never felt quite settled since I got here. And that’s not your fault at all, before you get defensive.’
‘I’m glad to hear it, and I wasn’t about to get defensive. Unless there’s something you think will make me that way and so you daren’t say it.’
‘It’s just that there’s always some drama. First, it was Billie and her pregnancy, and then all the stuff last Christmas… your dad, and then those guests at the campsite and V coming back into my life and all the trouble that brought, and… I should shut up, shouldn’t I?’
‘I’ve told you, I’m fine with Virginia now. I have bigger things to worry about, quite frankly. No offence to Virginia, of course.’
‘That too,’ he said. ‘If what you mean by bigger things is your… diagnosis.’ He paused. He didn’t dare say it out loud, and lately, it seemed he never did.
Zoe had made peace with the prospect of infertility, and though Alex had said the same, things he said – or didn’t – often left Zoe feeling that wasn’t quite true.
‘I don’t know,’ he continued as she left the gap open, ‘I saw life being very different when I first moved into Hilltop than it turned out to be. And that’s not a bad thing; it’s just a lot less settled.
’ He let out a short laugh. ‘Isn’t it funny how our conversations always get so deep and philosophical when we’re out walking? ’
‘Yes,’ Zoe said drily. ‘Another reason for me not to climb Scafell with you – God only knows what we’d uncover walking for that long together.’
‘Do you think Billie’s getting itchy feet?’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘Just a feeling. I don’t know what I’d do if she said she wanted to leave us.’
‘She does seem restless at the moment, especially since she got back from visiting Luis’s parents. And you said yourself she was happy in Spain. Whether it’s now or later, you do realise it will happen one day? It’s normal that she’d want to leave.’
‘Yeah, I know. I bet, if she didn’t have Louisa, she would have already. I don’t know if there’s enough going on around here for her.’
‘I think you could be right. It’s been stabilising for her, though, regardless of how she might feel now.’
‘You think so?’
‘Of course. Don’t you? She needed someone to wrap their arms around her and keep her in a safe space while she got back on track, and you did that for her at Hilltop.
She’s in a much better place now than when I first met her, and that’s down to you.
I think it was a good call to bring her here – it was good for her at that stage of her life. ’
‘I’m glad to hear you say it because sometimes I worry it was a mistake, that I was thinking about what I needed and not what she needed.’
‘She’d say the same if you asked her.’
‘I don’t know about that.’
‘All right then. She might not see it in such an obvious way, but I think she knows it, deep down.’
From the corner of her eye, Zoe noticed a car, perhaps a mile or so away, coming down the track from Daffodil Farm. It was Victor’s Old Banger, as he called it, going at some speed. ‘I wonder what’s up with him,’ she said, nodding at it.
Alex followed the direction of her gaze. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Going a bit quick, isn’t he? I wonder if there’s something wrong?’
‘I doubt it. Doesn’t seem that quick to me. Just because you drive down this road like a granny, doesn’t mean everyone else does.’
‘Oi!’ She gave his arm a playful slap. ‘I don’t drive like a granny; I just don’t drive like I’m doing the grand prix in Monaco… like some I could mention.’
‘I don’t know what you mean – I’m a very safe and considerate driver.’
‘Sometimes. When you’ve got Louisa in the car, I’ll give you that. But I’ve heard you pull into the yard at Hilltop and practically screech to a halt some nights.’
He let out a low chuckle, and she could almost see the tension lift from him.
It had been there only moments ago, even though their conversation hadn’t warranted it.
Something was bothering him – Zoe could sense it from what he didn’t say, rather than what he did.
Was it to do with life here in Thimblebury?
Did he really feel lost, as if he didn’t belong there?
And if he did, what did that mean for their future?
She did feel settled, and she felt, more than she’d ever done, that she belonged in Thimblebury now, and she wanted to stay for good.
What if Alex didn’t? His camping business had ticked over well enough during the summer, but it had hardly shattered records.
Everyone had reassured him that it was early days, and that as the years went on, his summers would get busier and busier.
He was constantly trying to find new ways to make his campsite stand out, and while Zoe admired his determination, she had to wonder now whether he was simply trying to mask the fact that he didn’t feel quite so passionate about it as he’d done at the start.
Was he beginning to think he’d made a mistake?
And she couldn’t deny that his fears about Billie might have a part to play.
Even she could see Thimblebury wasn’t really a place for a young woman to make her mark.
Most people of Billie’s age moved away from, not to, villages like this.
They hadn’t gone far, but even Fern and Maisie had managed it, and their recent visit to see how the pair were settling in had left Billie troubled – she hadn’t said so, but Zoe, often tuned into the emotions of others more than she’d like, had felt it. Was she starting to feel left behind?
‘How far do you want to walk?’ he asked, shielding his eyes from the low sun. ‘Looks like dark skies over the hill. Might pour down shortly.’
‘It didn’t give any more rain out on the forecast.’
‘Someone ought to tell those clouds that then.’
‘Let’s go another half hour and then we’ll turn back. It’s good that we’re out, and I’m enjoying our chat. I feel as if we often don’t talk so openly about things in the house.’
‘It’s hard because some things you don’t want to drag Billie into. And I suppose some things she doesn’t want to be dragged into.’
‘Exactly. So I’m happy to keep going for a while. And if we get rained on, then we get rained on. It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve arrived home soaked to the bone.’
‘We’d have to stop for shelter under a tree,’ he said with a tone of mischief she recognised well. ‘And then we’d probably end up snogging because you’d look sexy and dishevelled, and I wouldn’t be able to resist.’
‘Me in my bargain raincoat? I doubt it, but thank you for saying so.’
‘You’re sexier than you think. I don’t like when you put yourself down because that’s not how I see you. I wish you could see yourself like I do because then you’d know how beautiful you are.’
Zoe flushed, her gaze going to the ground.
‘And I mean it,’ he continued. ‘I don’t say it just to get into your waterproof hiking trousers, though that would be a nice bonus if it happened.’
This time, she laughed and prodded him in the arm. ‘What about Grizzle? He wouldn’t wait around for you to finish having your wicked way.’
‘True. Next time, I’ll have to remember to bring a pocket full of dog treats to keep him good.’
‘Which he’d eat in five seconds flat.’
‘Five seconds… I could work with that.’
Zoe let out a snorting giggle. ‘Oh my God! You don’t know when to quit, do you?’
‘Not when I’m around you. I love you, and I can’t help that I fancy you like mad too. When are you going to marry me?’
‘I thought we’d been over this. We don’t need to get married, do we? At least, I don’t see a rush.’
‘No, but don’t you think it would be nice?’
Zoe had thought often about how nice it might be to walk down the aisle with Alex, but things were more complicated than that.
‘You’re all over the place today, you know.
It’s not feeling at home in Thimblebury, and then it’s wanting to dive into all sorts of new projects, and then it’s getting married.
It’s making me wonder if there’s something else you’re not talking about and all these other things are just a distraction.
A distraction for you or for me, I couldn’t say. ’
‘Is that really what you think? I was just chatting… That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? You were saying how good it is that we talk things through when we’re out like this.’
‘I know, and I do, but you’re… No, you’re fine.
It’s me. Sometimes I’m looking for problems that aren’t there.
I’ve had more than my share over the past few years – we both have.
It’s hard to trust when things are calm that there isn’t another drama waiting to jump scare us when we least expect it.
In fact, I think things being calm makes me more nervous. I’m not used to calm.’
‘I know what you mean. But since you picked up on it, maybe there is something I wanted to ask about.’
‘Ah.’
‘I don’t know why I didn’t come clean in the first place because you always know. I didn’t like to ask; I thought you might need time, but it’s been on my mind for a while now because it’s been months since we went to see the consultant and you haven’t mentioned it since.’
‘My eggs. We did talk about it, remember? A week or so after we got back from the appointment.’
‘But not since then. You said you wanted longer, and of course I have to respect that, but it was in the summer, and you haven’t said what you decided.’
‘I think I sort of did.’
‘You said you needed more time. You still need more time? You must have some idea of what you want, and I don’t want to make it about me, but—’
‘That’s good because it’s really not.’