Chapter 9
With three weeks to go until Christmas, Magnus was standing on the raised area at the back of the hall that was about as close to a stage as the community centre had.
As usual, the heating was turned up too high so it was like a blast furnace, and because the lane outside was blustery and damp, the contrast from there to here was stark.
Zoe was very glad her HRT had begun to take effect because if she’d had to sit in here even a few months ago, she was sure she’d have melted into a puddle.
As soon as she stepped into the hall, she took off her coat and jumper with a sigh of relief.
On the stage with Magnus were Geoff, Fliss and Charles, Stacey and Lavender, listening with varying degrees of attention as he tried to explain something to them.
The caretaker was putting up tired-looking streamers, apparently to brighten the place up for Christmas.
They looked like the same ones Zoe had seen decorating the hall the previous year, and most of the villagers had complained how rubbish they were then, so goodness only knew what they’d say about them this year.
Sitting in the front row, scrolling on his phone, was Simon. He looked up as Zoe and Corrine took a seat next to him.
‘Ah, come to watch the rehearsals?’ he asked.
‘Corrine’s come to talk to Magnus about what he wants for the scenery.
I’ve come to gawp because I’m nosy. Who knows, I might be persuaded to paint scenery too, although I can’t promise it won’t end up looking like the result of a pre-schooler’s art class.
I suppose you have to be here for moral support? ’
‘I don’t mind,’ he said. ‘I can go through my emails just as well sitting here as I can at home, and this is far more interesting. Just as long as nobody tries to get me on the stage.’
‘Same. I’m happy to help out behind the scenes.’
‘Oh, me too,’ Corrine agreed, searching her handbag with a vague frown.
‘Everything all right?’ Zoe asked.
‘Oh yes…’ Corrine pulled out a bag with a look of triumph. ‘I was looking for these. Mint imperial?’ she added, opening the bag and holding it out.
The discussion on the stage seemed to get louder, pausing the conversation in the seats below so that Zoe, Simon and Corrine began to listen in.
‘No, no!’ Magnus pointed at Fliss. ‘You have to yodel that line!’
‘Have you heard my voice?’ Fliss rested her hands on her hips. ‘I sound like a navvy! I couldn’t yodel if my life depended on it!’
‘I could,’ Stacey said. Everyone turned to her. ‘Just saying.’
‘Your part is already cast, and I’m not redoing it – there isn’t time. We only have two weeks until opening night…’ Magnus gave a dismissive waft of his hand.
‘Opening night…’ Fliss huffed. ‘Opening night indeed… It’s the only night. You’re not on the West End.’
‘And I didn’t say I wanted you to recast,’ Stacey put in. ‘I only said I could yodel if you needed someone to do it. I can do it from the wings if that line really has to be yodelled.’
‘Why does it have to be yodelled?’ Fliss demanded.
‘Because,’ Magnus said through gritted teeth, ‘it’s funny.’
‘That’s debatable,’ Geoff said, and Magnus glared at him, causing Stacey to guffaw in a way that made Simon laugh too.
Magnus turned red and then threw his hands into the air. ‘Everyone take a break! I need to rethink some things.’
Everyone filed from the stage. Fliss, Charles, Stacey and Lavender came to join their impromptu audience in the front row. Geoff followed Magnus, perhaps sensing he might need to smooth some ruffled feathers if he wasn’t going to have a peeved husband for the rest of the night.
‘I see rehearsals are going well,’ Zoe said wryly.
‘Oh, swimmingly,’ Fliss replied with the air of someone who couldn’t care less and was quite prepared to walk away from the production the minute she got bored of it.
‘I’m not sure I agree with Magnus’s idea of humour,’ Charles added.
‘He’s a control freak,’ Lavender said.
Zoe stared at her.
‘Oh, I know, he’s sweet, lovely, party host Magnus normally, but let me tell you, this panto business has unhinged him.’
‘He’ll hear you!’ Stacey said, trying but failing in her bid not to laugh.
‘Let him,’ Lavender said. ‘If I’d known it was going to be like this, I wouldn’t have bothered auditioning. And it’s not like I have a decent part anyway.’
‘Who are you playing?’ Zoe asked.
‘The wicked stepmother.’
‘I’d say that’s excellent casting,’ Fliss countered with a grin.
‘Oi!’ Lavender sent a grin back. ‘You get home from travelling the world and the first thing you do is start insulting me again. I won’t stand for it.’
‘Sit down then because you’re getting it anyway.’
‘Charles… can’t you do something to keep her under control?’
Fliss’s husband shrugged. ‘First of all, no. And secondly, don’t get me involved. I wouldn’t dream of trying to control any aspect of Fliss’s marvellous personality, and as we all know, anyone would be mad to try.’
‘Someone should tell Magnus that,’ Stacey said.
‘Who’s playing Cinderella?’ Zoe asked.
Charles lifted a hand. Zoe’s eyes widened. ‘Oh… wow!’
‘Quite,’ Charles said with a laugh. ‘Don’t worry, you’re as confused as everyone else I’ve told but all will become clear.’
‘In that case I can’t wait to come and watch!’ Zoe said.
‘Wonderful,’ Fliss said airily. ‘Another person to come and see the reputation I’ve worked many years to build go up in smoke.’
‘Who are you playing?’ Zoe asked.
‘Buttons,’ Fliss said.
‘And I’m playing a scullery maid,’ Stacey added. ‘Although I’m almost certain there wasn’t a scullery maid in Cinderella. They have Cinderella to do all the work, after all, and that’s sort of the point of the story.’
Zoe’s forehead creased. ‘It doesn’t seem like there’s much effort to stick to the traditional story to be honest, so why not? Whose idea was all this?’
‘A product of Magnus’s febrile imagination,’ Fliss said. ‘He thinks it will be funny if we gender swap. I suppose because people know we’re married in real life or something. As for the scullery maid…’
Zoe suspected that Magnus had felt obliged to provide a part for Stacey and if he hadn’t been so keen on his alternative casting he’d have given Cinderella to her.
She was, after all, his sister-in-law. And she was about the closest the village had to the right kind of casting, if you discounted all the younger women who weren’t remotely interested in the panto.
‘I’m sure it makes sense to Magnus, even if it doesn’t to anyone else,’ she added.
‘You didn’t have to audition,’ Lavender said.
‘I know,’ Fliss replied. ‘That’s what makes it worse.’ She glanced up. ‘Look lively, Cameron Mackintosh is back.’
Magnus marched over, and he didn’t look happy, though he did break into a smile as soon as he noticed Zoe and Corrine sitting with the cast.
‘Hello, you two.’
‘I thought I’d pop down while I had a spare minute to see what you wanted for the set,’ Corrine said.
‘Victor has some spare wood, by the way, and he’s happy to build things.
I can paint backdrops, and I can sew the odd costume – not too many though because we’ve got our hands full with the new alpaca, and Christmas is coming, of course… ’
‘I can help if you need it,’ Zoe said. ‘Not sure what I can do, but I’ll have a go.’
‘That’s kind of you,’ Magnus said. ‘I’ll have a think. Perhaps you could help on the night by taking tickets and showing people to their seats?’
‘Tickets?’ For some reason, Zoe had assumed the panto would be a community event that anyone could attend for free. She realised now that it was probably a silly assumption, and Magnus’s next words explained why she was right.
‘We have to make sure the hall is not too full because of fire regulations. We’re only ticketing for that reason, and for a small contribution to the cost of putting the panto on.’
‘Oh, of course.’
‘Because the whole village is clamouring to come and see us old duffers make absolute prats of ourselves, so it will definitely be a stampede to get in otherwise,’ Lavender said in a voice loaded with sarcasm.
‘We’ve had a lot of interest,’ Magnus said, the offence obvious in his tone.
Zoe did think Lavender was being a little unfair and was tempted to remind her colleague of how excited she’d been at the prospect of this panto when she’d first heard about it.
‘We’ll all come,’ Zoe said. ‘And I’d be happy to take the tickets for you on the night. I bet Alex and Billie would help too.’
‘What about Louisa?’ Corrine asked. She looked at Magnus. ‘Can the little ones come?’
‘It’s not really the place for a baby,’ Magnus said, shooting a wary look at Zoe.
‘We’ll work something out either way,’ Zoe said, her mind already going over solutions. Perhaps this would be a nice distraction for Billie and something interesting enough to get her out of the house. Or maybe not, but it had to be worth a try.