Chapter 12 #2
Zoe had to admit she had a point. Along with all the Christmas-themed sights and sounds was the smell of hot chocolate and mulled wine, which they were meant to get for free at some point during the voyage, and already the air was filled with excited chatter, complaints and impatience from the packed rows of seating.
Little eyes were everywhere, gazing at the boat, or out on the water in wonder, or feverishly searching for a glimpse of the man in red they’d all come to see.
Every other word from every child’s mouth was Santa, and the rest of the sentence usually involved what present they might get once they’d met him.
‘I can’t imagine Louisa being that old,’ Billie said, watching a girl of around four standing on her seat to better scan the deck.
‘It’ll come quick enough,’ Zoe said.
‘That’s what Dad says. He says he can’t imagine me at Louisa’s age now, and it seems like five minutes ago to him. I can’t imagine I might be saying that to Louisa one day either.’
‘Don’t wish it upon yourself,’ Zoe said. ‘If I were you, I’d enjoy each day as it comes and worry about that in twenty years.’
Billie turned an expression so full of pity onto Zoe that she didn’t quite know how to feel.
But there was no mistaking the root of it, and Zoe didn’t want to talk about that now.
She’d made her peace with her infertility – just like she kept on telling Alex and anyone else who would listen.
There would be times, like now, that would have her reflecting on her choices and wondering whether they were the right ones.
There would be times where she’d be slapped by a yearning so strong she’d struggle not to be poleaxed by it.
She felt it now, watching as the girl who had prompted their current conversation threw her arms around her mother’s neck and kissed her with excited glee.
But she’d made the decision she felt was best for her life and her circumstances, the one that in the end she hoped would cause her the least pain.
She had to have faith that it was the right one because to go through life never knowing, never feeling any certainty about it, would feel like a torment that would never end.
‘It’s a shame your dad couldn’t come,’ she said, pushing the thoughts from her mind.
‘He could have come. I don’t know why he’s going to that meeting.’
‘He didn’t want to let them down at the last minute. He’d already committed to the meeting, and this was the only date we could do for this trip.’
‘I suppose so,’ Billie said, finally accepting defeat and taking Louisa’s hat from her. ‘But it was his idea we should do all this stuff for Louisa’s first Christmas, and then he doesn’t come.’
‘There’ll be other things. This is nice anyway, isn’t it? Just us girls. Sometimes it’s good to have the men out of the way so we can talk about them.’
‘You don’t want to talk to me about Dad, do you? Because I don’t think I want to know.’
‘No, fair enough,’ Zoe said with a laugh. ‘But we can chat about things when he’s missing in a way we might not when he’s around. Like things that are bothering us and we don’t want him to worry about.’
‘Nothing’s bothering me.’
‘Well that’s good then.’
‘Is this about that Spain business again? What Dad was going on about a couple of weeks ago? Is that why you’ve got me here?’
‘Of course not! This for Louisa – you know that! If I wanted to get you to open up about something that big, I wouldn’t bring you to a boat full of children waiting to meet Santa, would I?’
‘I miss Spain, but it’s not that deep. I know I can’t live there now. Doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes wish I could.’
‘Wouldn’t it be full of memories for you?’
‘Yeah, but that’s not always bad.’
‘You can visit more next year, if you like. We’ll do what we can to help.’
‘I don’t want your money. I’m going to get a job as soon as Louisa is older.’
‘I meant making it easier to go rather than money. I don’t know what you would need, but whatever it is, we’ll help… only if you need it, of course. I don’t mean to patronise you.’
‘You’re not, but I don’t need anything. I’m twenty-four now – I should be doing this stuff myself.’
‘Your dad had you so young I forget you’re older than I think. Sorry, I know.’
Billie was silent for a moment.
‘Actually,’ she said after a gap, ‘I’m sorry. I get you’re trying to help. It’s not your fault you don’t know how things were before you came. If you did, you’d understand that me and Dad… well, it can be complicated.’
‘I want to understand.’
‘I don’t want to talk about it, though. I just want him to stop babying me.
I know he feels like he has to take care of me, but sometimes I can’t breathe with it.
We lost Mum, and then I lost Luis, and those times were so hard, but Dad can’t fix any of that, even though he thinks he can.
I don’t want him to. I never did. I only want to deal with things in my own way, and I want to get my life moving again, like it was when I started to see Luis… ’
She paused, as if wondering whether to reveal some significant truth, and it was so heavy that, to Zoe, it seemed to last for hours.
‘We were going to get married, you know.’
Zoe stared at her. ‘I had no idea! Your dad never—’
‘He didn’t know,’ Billie said. ‘Nobody knew. We said we would, but we were waiting for the time to be right. It wasn’t like a big fancy proposal or anything – we just knew we would be together forever, and we said we would get married as soon as we could afford it.
We were going to do it quietly, and then we were going to tell our parents because we knew they would try to talk us out of it.
They’d say we were too young, but we weren’t because it doesn’t matter how young you are if you know it’s right, and we did, both of us.
And I felt like my life was getting started.
I wasn’t a kid any more, and I was in love, and it was going to be amazing.
And then he died, and it all stopped. I get what Dad was trying to do for me, but he doesn’t understand that he’s making it worse, not better.
He’s wrapping me up so tight it feels as if I’m suffocating. ’
Billie took another loaded breath and turned to Zoe. ‘Don’t tell him I said this. It would hurt his feelings.’
Zoe ignored the fact that she would have thought Billie and Luis too young to get married, just as Alex would have done.
It didn’t matter now, and it would hardly help.
‘I won’t tell him,’ she said, ‘but you need to. If this is how you feel, then you should say something. How is he supposed to know what you need otherwise? He thinks he’s doing right by you, and he’d be gutted to know that it’s making things worse. ’
‘I will. I just have to work up to it.’
‘Don’t leave it too long. He’s struggling as well, you know.’
‘But he has you now.’
‘Maybe, but life isn’t plain sailing for anyone, even in a new relationship. Yes, we’re crazy about one another, but we have our own issues to deal with, even so. At our age especially, new relationships don’t come unburdened.’
‘You mean me? I’m the burden?’
‘Of course not! I didn’t put it quite right – what I mean to say is we have history and other demands on us.
We’ve had bad experiences and good experiences that colour the way we see things and deal with and react to things.
Sometimes those attitudes make things difficult that shouldn’t be.
You must feel that too, surely? For someone of your age, you’ve been through a lot. Do you think much about dating again?’
Billie kissed Louisa on the head. ‘How can I? Who’s going to go out with me?’
‘Why do you think that?’
‘I’ve got a baby. And even if I didn’t have a baby, who am I going to meet stuck in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere?’
‘Don’t all people of your age use Tinder now? I didn’t think you had to go out to meet people.’
‘You have to go out if you actually want to talk to them in person, and everyone in Thimblebury is about seventy.’
Zoe raised her eyebrows, and Billie offered a sheepish smile. ‘OK, not everyone, but there aren’t many my age.’
‘I can’t deny there isn’t much of a dating pool to dip into. But there must be opportunities in the nearest towns, and we’d be happy to babysit for you if you wanted to go and meet people there.’
‘Thanks. I get what you’re trying to do. I know you’d babysit, but I don’t know if I want you to. I don’t want to leave Louisa just to go and chat with some guy. She’s too important for that. She’s not second best, and she never will be.’
‘Nobody would think that. You’re entitled to a life as well, and you’re entitled to put yourself first once in a while.
Remember when we had that conversation about you being the best version of yourself so you can be the best version of the mother she needs?
Well, that applies to all aspects of your life, not just your mental health. ’
Billie gave her head a firm shake. ‘I’m not bothered about any of that.’
The boat cast off, and a crowd of children raced to the windows to see it pull away from the shore.
For a moment, Zoe and Billie were distracted by the sight of them, all gasps and giggles.
And then, to add to the fervour, a few stuttering snowflakes fell from the leaden skies, causing new exclamations of excitement.
The tops of the mountains that crowded the misted lake were hidden from view by the clouds and their sides black and treacle and khaki green in the low light, but no amount of gloomy weather could make them look anything less than magnificent.
It was a strange, heavy sort of day, and yet there was beauty in it, and in the atmosphere on the boat, full of anticipation and eagerness.
For many of the children, today would form the backbone of their earliest Christmas recollections, and for the parents a day they would treasure the memory of.