Chapter 16 #2
Alex glanced at Zoe, clearly lost, clearly in need of guidance, but she couldn’t give it.
He had to deal with this because he was Billie’s father.
And besides that, Zoe didn’t know what to say either.
She didn’t know what kind of advice she could give because she was as lost as him.
Billie needed something, but it seemed to Zoe that even she didn’t really know what it was, not yet, and so she couldn’t ask for it, and if she couldn’t ask for it, how could anyone give it?
Her tears lasted for another few minutes, and during that time Alex held her and reassured her as best he could, Zoe watching, her heart going out to them both.
Eventually, Billie stepped away from his arms and dried her eyes. ‘I think I’ll go to bed. I’m like this because I’m tired.’
‘Billie,’ Zoe said, understanding dawning on her. ‘It’s almost Christmas. Are you afraid you’ll ruin it for us if you say how you really feel?’
Billie stared at her. ‘No,’ she said finally, but Zoe didn’t feel she was getting the entire truth.
Again, perhaps Billie didn’t even recognise what exactly she was doing.
There was a danger, however, that Christmas would be ruined anyway if some of the tension that had been hanging over them these past few weeks wasn’t resolved, or at least talked about, because it wasn’t going anywhere otherwise.
‘But if that were the case,’ Zoe continued, ‘then you could. It wouldn’t ruin anything. Maybe it would make Christmas better. If, say, you thought you might not be at Hilltop next Christmas, then wouldn’t you want the chance to make this one extra special?’
Billie looked sharply at her now. ‘What makes you say that? What’s Maisie said?’
‘Maisie?’ Zoe blinked. ‘I don’t know… Have you talked to Maisie about this?’
Billie flushed. ‘Not exactly. But I did say… So she hasn’t told you anything?’
‘Why would she?’
‘But you might as well,’ Alex put in, ‘because you’ve given us half the tale now.’
Billie paused and looked at the door, as if she was still weighing up the escape she’d just wanted, but then she sat down at the table again. ‘I really miss living somewhere warm. I miss our old place in Spain. I loved it there; life was so good…’
Alex sat next to her. ‘You told us that,’ he said gently. ‘Is there more?’
‘I kept wondering if I only loved it because Mum was alive back then and I had Luis, and I kept telling myself it wouldn’t be the same now because everywhere I looked would remind me of them.
But then I went to stay with Luis’s parents and it wasn’t like that.
I mean, it was, but it was also lovely. When we first came back to England, it was the right thing to do – I don’t want you to worry that you were taking me where I didn’t want to go.
It was too soon after Luis, and I would have had a meltdown if I’d stayed there.
But now, I’ve had time, and I’ve got Louisa, and being there felt…
I don’t know, it felt right. It felt like home.
And Louisa is half Spanish, and I think it would be such a good thing to know her roots and such a good place for her to grow up. They love kids there.’
‘We love kids here,’ Alex said, trying but failing to hide his dismay. ‘This is a good place for a child to grow up. It’s got fresh air and safe places to play and lovely people, and I know it can be bleak in the winter, but in the summer, when you have a sunny day, it’s great.’
‘When you have a sunny day. Come on, Dad – even you have to admit it rains more than it’s sunny.’
‘It’s not quite that bad.’
‘But it gets so cold up here on the hill. And I know it’s got that Wuthering Heights vibe, and it’s some people’s idea of paradise, but it’s not mine, and I’m sorry, but you asked and that’s how I feel.’
Alex took a breath. ‘You’re saying you want to move out to Spain again? You want us to move out? Because I—’
‘God, no, Dad! Of course I don’t! I don’t want us to move.
You love it here, and you have Zoe now, and I would never ask you to do that.
But I think… maybe I want to move. Not forever.
Just for a while, just to see how it goes.
Luis’s mum and dad said I could live with them.
They have loads of space, and they adore Louisa, and they have a brilliant creche nearby for her.
She’d learn Spanish and English, and she’d be so smart, and she’d be able to play on the beach in the sunshine, and I could work for Antonio. ’
‘You sound as if you’ve got it all worked out. You sound as if you’ve really thought about it, and you also sound as if you’ve already made up your mind you want to go.’
Billie gave an awkward shrug. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew you’d be hurt.’
‘I can’t lie; I’m devastated.’
‘See, I knew—’
‘But I love you,’ Alex continued, ‘and I only want the best for you.’ He exhaled, running a hand through his hair. ‘I wish you’d said something earlier.’
‘Sorry,’ Billie said. It was then that the cry from upstairs drifted into their midst. Billie got up. ‘Her routine is all weird; I knew I shouldn’t have gone out and left her with Ottilie.’
Again, Zoe found it hard not to remind her that there was more to it than that.
Perhaps if they hadn’t gone to collect Louisa from Ottilie almost as soon as Ottilie had put her to bed, her routine – while it would undoubtedly have been different than normal – wouldn’t have been quite so weird.
Billie’s assertion felt accusatory, and it felt, despite the progress they seemed to be making, that it was aimed at blaming her and Alex.
Perhaps they were to blame, because perhaps they should have known Billie well enough to know she’d hate the panto, but their efforts to get her out had come from a well-meaning place.
Zoe was about to offer to go and settle Louisa, but as Billie marched out of the room with purpose, she realised that perhaps it was a welcome distraction from a conversation she wasn’t yet ready to have.
And so Zoe let her go, and then she turned to see Alex staring forlornly at an invisible spot beyond the darkened windows of their home.
Seeming to sense Zoe’s gaze on him, he turned to her. ‘I cocked this up good and proper, didn’t I?’
‘You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.’
‘See,’ he said with a thin smile, ‘that’s just so you.
Trying to make me feel better. You’re far too understanding, you know that?
I don’t deserve the slack you always cut me when I mess up – and I do it more than I’d like.
If I’m not upsetting you, I’m upsetting Billie, doing things out of some misguided notion that I know what we all need, when really I’m just doing what I need. ’
‘No,’ Zoe said. ‘I’m not having that. And if we’re on the subject of misguided notions, we all have those.
We’re all guilty of assuming we know what’s best for others and sometimes forgetting to ask them, including me.
God, I do it all the time! Billie knows you do everything for her with the best of intentions. ’
‘But she also thinks I ought to listen to her from time to time.’
‘How can you listen to what she doesn’t tell you?’
‘I should know. I’m her dad – it’s my job to know, whether she tells me or not.’
‘And maybe,’ Zoe said gently, understanding that what she was going to say might hurt him further still, ‘the fact you see that as your job is part of the problem too. Perhaps you’re too much her dad and not enough a man willing to acknowledge that his daughter is also a young woman who needs to make her own choices.
You don’t always have to be her dad; sometimes you can just be there. ’
He looked at her blankly. He didn’t understand what she was trying to tell him, and Zoe realised that he was so close to the problem, he might never understand.
There was silence from the floor above. Zoe hadn’t noticed it until it had also descended over the kitchen.
If not for the melancholy hoot of an owl hunting somewhere over the hills outside and the ticking of the old clock on the kitchen wall, there might have been a total absence of sound.
It was then Zoe identified the smaller ones, barely there – Alex’s uneasy breaths that gave away what his face did not.
He was staring thoughtfully into space, but his mind was far from calm.
Zoe waited for Billie to come back down, and after ten minutes – during which she washed up the few cups they’d used, wiped down the surfaces and put the bin out, just for something to do that would alleviate the unbearable tension – it was clear that Billie wasn’t going to.
She’d been reluctant to discuss her feelings up till now, and it was evidently still just as difficult, despite their recent conversation.
‘I’m going to bed,’ Alex said finally.
Zoe turned to him as he trudged to the door. ‘You won’t sleep, not like this.’
‘Probably not,’ he agreed. ‘But what else is there to do? Billie’s not coming down to talk by the looks of things, and there’s a lot to do tomorrow.’
‘Not that much,’ Zoe said. ‘And don’t forget I’ll be able to help now I’ve clocked off at work.’
‘You’re on call.’
‘Yes, but it’s not a problem. I’m not expecting to be fetched out to anyone. Talk to me, even if it’s just to get things off your chest.’
‘There’s nothing to say.’
‘There’s plenty to say, and you know how things get out of hand when we don’t talk to one another… Please… just sit for a minute and tell me what’s on your mind. I promise, offloading will help you to settle.’
‘Promise, eh?’ He gave a rueful smile. ‘I’ll hold you to that when I’m tossing and turning later.’ He came back to the table and sat down. ‘What should I do?’ he asked. ‘What’s your take?’
‘I couldn’t say. Until we can get more out of Billie, there can’t be a plan for what’s next because we don’t know what’s next for her. But you can tell me how you feel.’
‘Do you think she’ll leave?’
‘Honestly?’ He nodded, and Zoe took a breath. ‘Yes. Sorry, but I think she will. It sounds as if it’s been a long time coming.’