Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
Graham
“Hey, I think I want to double it, let's take it from the top again,” Kaihautū’s voice poured from the other side, as I went over the same vocals, this time with more feeling. Over the years I had done my best at converting the spare bedroom in my flat into a home studio.
Somewhere I could flex my creativity while not sacrificing on the craft of my studies. Singing was another thing I’d naturally been good at, but it wasn’t something I bragged about since I had no intention of using it beyond leisure.
It was only a jam session, so the point was just vibes, but like me, my cousin had poured his heart and soul into music and performance, even if it wasn't something he wanted to pursue professionally.
When I first moved here, it was hard navigating the city alone as a foreigner.
So, when my cousin moved here from Australia to work at a well-known tattoo shop in the heart of the city, it was like I had a built-in wing man.
We were more like brothers despite being a country away.
Ironically, we had both grown up in the church, the place where we had learned all the instruments we played now.
Plus, it didn't hurt that my cuz made better boil up than me, but I'm afraid I'd take that to the grave with me.
“Hey, I was really feeling the energy on this one,” he admitted, finishing off the last sip from his water bottle. Like me, he wore glasses, but on him they managed to look way cooler. I think it's because Bro had better style. Didn’t hurt that he was ten times smoother.
He was from the city versus my smaller town, and had managed to blend street and alternative flair without looking like a poser.
Intricate Tā mokos stretched across both of his arms and one of his legs similar to the ones he had spent hours giving me the old school traditional way.
He wasn’t half Pākehā like me, but still managed to have lighter skin.
But his hair was just as long as mine, he just chose to wear his hair braided instead of loose.
“Either my man's is really happy or depressed, because lately those are the emotions that fuel your best vocals,” he joked, prompting me to open up.
“Yeah, nah. It's likely just frustration. A few weeks ago, I met this amazing woman. One I was about to break my one date rule for.” His eyes widened incredulously.
“Who the bloody fuck did you meet where you were willing to break your one date rule for?” he asked, fully aware of my zany standards.
It was hard recalling this situation, because when I looked back at it, I tried to do everything right and it backfired on me.
My only regret was moving too fast, but the energy she was giving put us there.
The last thing I wanted to do was lie about my situation.
“Ugh! There was this girl. And she was just… on a whole ‘nother level. Naturally hilarious. Clever. A great conversationalist. Not to mention gorgeous! Everything between us was going so well. Things progressed…really fast,” I recounted, wishing in the moment that I had more discernment.
“We get back to hers and well, you know, things got intimate,” I admitted, as Kaihautū shrugged.
“Well that is a big deal.” Kaihautū had grown up LDS like I did, so he has an understanding for how toxic and puritan the culture could be if you no longer committed to that lifestyle.
“Truth be told, it took me a long time to be comfortable with my body.
To be comfortable with myself and my sexuality.
Approaching sex was hard at first, because I didn't have a healthy relationship to all the things I mentioned.
Discovering kink helped me understand that rules weren't the things I hated, but the inability to express myself in a way that felt like myself,” Kaihautū explained.
“Yeah well, for me things didn't exactly go so great.
We were there, and I… well, I wanted to be honest. I told her she'd be my first time. That was where things took a turn for the worst. I mean, she wasn't like violent or disrespectful about it, but given how women tend to value themselves at a higher standard than men. I don't know. I thought…” I hesitated. “I thought she’d be more understanding,” I admitted cradling my prized guitar Gladys in my lap. Kaihautū’s lips thinned, his expression giving a difference of opinion.
“Can I offer another perspective?” he offered, as I leaned back in my chair to let him cook.
“Okay, so bet. From my own standpoint, being intimate with men, a lot of us could be fucking selfish.
Both emotionally and physically, and with that breeds impatience.
Lack of technique. A misuse of care in the moment.
When we fuck, we tend to choose what feels good, but women choose safety.
If I really wanted to, I could probably nut a good two-minutes into shagging a woman, and where does that leave her?
She needs that time to get there. And some, not all women tend to get the short end of being satisfied.
Even if I'm just hooking up with a girl, I try to have more diligence.
Probing her for things she likes, instead of just getting straight to it.
Having sex with a new person is as awkward as your first time every time, because you don't know what you're doing. You don’t know what her tells are, or what kind of good or bad experiences she's had before you.
Try not to take it personal that she rejected you.
Chances are it's likely because she's been unsatisfied with past partners who boasted about being knowledgeable only to let her down.” He did make a good point.
I had given that some thought, but just hadn't given myself a moment to put into words.
Add in the fact that she was older, I had to be realistic that women in their forties weren't exactly seeking out virgins.
“Yeah, I guess, looking back at things, I could have been more mature about it. But man, it really hurt to be rejected in that moment. She was older than me, like a lot older. It just sucks that it's not socially acceptable to be a man who values sex for more than the means of creation. For me before, I was waiting for marriage, but when I left the church, I reframed my goal to just wanting to have sex that meant something. Like I really like this person, and I want to make them feel as good as they make me feel. Once I actually get a chance to do it anyways. If I tell every woman I’m a virgin and they all act the way she did, I’m better off not mentioning it at all. ”
“Yeah, but you'd be surprised how hard it is for guys in this generation to even talk to women, let alone have sex with one,” he argued.
“Not for me,” I defended. “I shoot my shot with anyone I fancy,” I boasted.
“Yeah but you ain’t no regular bloke. You’re the virgin playboy.
That whole boy scout thing you got going on actually works on women.
As someone who’s seen it in action, you definitely be working that foreignness.
It must be the difference in accent. Because I’m usually totally dialing mine down.
You’d be surprised the nicknames people give me just off guessing I’m Australian,” he later joked.
“Oh, before I forget. You got anything lined up this weekend?
I had some last-minute plans spring up for me to go out of town.
A close client of mine invited me to this music festival someplace on Martha's Vineyard.
He's got this big house and shit. Told me I could bring who and however much people I wanted. You could get out of this flat and meet some new people.” I had a load of coursework and research to go over, but it'd been a minute since I done anything as fun as a music festival.
Besides, I had always done my best work last minute, back against the wall.
“Plus, now that I know you like them older, there might be a few cougars in there. Just saying,” he joked, as my fist met his shoulder.
“Fuck off,” I laughed, and in jest we playfully squared off as he gripped me in a headlock.
“So, should I text my mate that I've got a plus one? Or are you sitting this one out?” He released me as I took off my glasses, cleaning the lenses with the bottom of my shirt.
“Yeah, you could put me down. You know it’s hard for me to turn down anywhere with live music.”