Chapter 15 #3
“Okay?” I followed up. Only, if I hadn’t wanted an argument, I should’ve left it alone, because he certainly had had more to say on the matter.
“It's just…I wouldn't have introduced you as my girlfriend unless there was a plan in place to progress there. It's not really fair to me, given I don't cross any of your boundaries.”
“Graham, I know. Again, I’m sorry. I’ll be more careful with my words moving forward. If you’re not having fun anymore, you can be honest. I don’t want things to feel forced or that you’re compromising more than me—”
“Jaq, it’s not that. It’s just, I told you in the beginning that while I wanted one, I didn’t have time for a girlfriend.
And here I am, making time for you, like you’re my girlfriend.
So, when you say things like earlier, it’s just confusing for me.
Because I don’t want to hear about some hypothetical person when I’m literally in the room with the person I want to be with.
It makes me think you’re thinking about other people when I’m with you—”
“Graham, I promise I’m not!” I defended.
“Even if you aren’t, it makes me feel like, you just can’t wait until I get bored, or want more, just so you can get rid of me.
And I don’t make you feel like that, so please, just give me the same courtesy,” Graham sighed.
“If this is all you want, respectfully, just don't call me your boyfriend. It's a special kind of cruel. I’m going to have a shower,” he dismissed before disappearing in his apartment.
He seemed like he’d been sitting on some of the things he said for a while now.
I wasn’t trying to find an out from him, or push him in the direction of someone else.
Why would I? I was having the time of my life with him.
So why was I making him feel his presence in the moment feel like it didn’t matter to me?
It wasn’t my intention, so what was I doing wrong that was causing the execution?
I was just acknowledging that I knew our time could come to an end any second, but I didn’t want it to. He was just…young. And I was an experience he was going to have that he looked back to and appreciated, but looked back and understood why we’d never last. I wasn’t delusional. I was realistic.
Communicating that wasn’t always the best choice, but I didn’t want him to ever feel guilty or obligated to keep going at something when his wings were ready to fly. He deserved to experience things with women his own age. With people who were likely experiencing firsts and seconds with him.
Planning to catch him before his shower was done, I did my best to tie up my hair, but I'm sure some moisture would seep through enough to shrink it a bit. Stripping down to nothing, I climbed in the shower, admiring the suds sliding down his body. But I wasn’t here for that. I was here to plead my case.
He didn’t ignore me, but he certainly wore his stress in his features, as it felt pretty foreign to be face to face, and he didn’t smile. Reaching in to grab his face, I attempted to stretch his lips into a smile, but he didn’t seem amused. “Jaq, stop.”
“Graham, I’m not trying to be misleading. Or confusing. I’m just honest with myself.”
“About what?”
“That I met you at the wrong time?” I half smiled.
“For someone as amazing as you are, you have a habit of self-sabotaging yourself.” He cupped my face in his hands.
“I’ve just…always been the fun girl. The one you don’t take too seriously.
Mrs. Right Now. I’ve come to terms with the idea most people like me in the now, but never see a future with me.
And it’s my fault. Because I’ve always been afraid to ask for more, in fear it’ll be like college.
That time was very dark for me, and I’d rather be the fun girl than the one carrying a dark cloud. ”
“Thank you for admitting that to me. I know you’ve dealt with a lot, and using sex as a shield has protected you from some of that.
But Jaq, I’m not the other men you’ve dealt with.
I’m just one man. And I don’t put people in boxes like that.
Being with you is the furthest from wasting my time, Jaq.
But sometimes your fear, or not feeling worthy enough exhausts me.
Because it feels like I’m not doing enough to not make you feel that way,” as he leaned into kiss me.
“You’re someone I’m willing to experience the best parts of life with.
Even the worst. And that isn’t small for me to admit.
I’ve moved at your pace this whole time, but it felt incredible to be introduced as your boyfriend, only to have it not be true.
I want you. I want this. I want us. But if you don’t want it, don’t give me hope that there’s a chance this will evolve. ”
“Before today, I didn’t even think you wanted things to evolve,” I admitted.
“Jaq, I wouldn’t be building something this vulnerable with a person to just be a permanent booty call.”
Wrapping my arms around him, I saw sincerity in his eyes and I wasn’t sure whether I would sink or swim choosing to go this path. “I don’t even know what being in a relationship would look like for me in 2026.”
“For me, it’s look like planning things for once.
I love spontaneity, but a girlfriend deserves more effort out of me.
And it looks like a lot of things, like making bathroom and dresser space.
More sex. Foot rubs and more homemade dinners.
Maybe even a key to my place. More sex,” he hummed that last part.
“We’ve kinda played hard and fast with the friends with benefits part.”
“It just means in a relationship, we don’t have to wonder if we’re sexually compatible or not. Jaq, I don’t want to go back to a time where you’re surprised when I surprise you. I want you to know I’ll be there for you. But you would have to trust me, the way I’ve been trusting you.”
After the shower, it became a tender kind of night. One that transitioned from lovemaking to comfort cuddling. He was really good at cuddling. I was grateful to have such a strong, warm cuddle buddy to spend every season with.
“Graham?”
“Mmmhmm?”
“Thank you for being patient with me. I've been patient with your body, but you've been the one patient with my heart. I feel really lucky to have someone so patient with me.”
“Jaq, really. I'm the lucky one.”