Chapter 19 #2
“Okay, I was under a lot of pressure. I was wondering if I even wanted to go through with pausing my education to go on a mission. Annie was pressuring me to get engaged when I wasn't ready. All while I was secretly questioning if I even wanted to practice anymore.”
“I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine the challenges that came with that. But when people love you, it breaks their hearts to hear that they're the reason why you're struggling. Even getting you on the phone was hard, when you wanted to no more than five-minute conversations.”
“Well, it wouldn't have been if every conversation start didn't start and end with trying to reconvert me. I’d just call to talk to my family, and it felt like I wasn't worthy to fit in the family without the church,” I defended.
“Okay, maybe that's where we messed up in the beginning. We just thought you needed guidance. A safe way back to us. A lot of people stray because of societal pressure. Once we knew you weren't coming back, we tried to respect your need for space,” she admitted.
“A lot has happened in that time. You missed my wedding, you missed the birth of my first child. Honestly, me and Ka’imi hadn’t even planned on becoming parents.
But once we knew dad was…we knew he wanted grandchildren.
He and mum both did. And I knew you weren’t going to give any to him—or at least not before he passes. ”
“I’m sorry about that Win—”
“It’s…it wasn’t in our plan. But I’m still happy to have Kaiwhare. Believe it or not, it’s not even one of the biggest things you missed. You missed mum and dad almost considering divorce—”
“Are you serious?”
“They were just going through the motions. They figured it out, and thank God without infidelity. Otherwise, we might not be the only Walkers to claim the Waka throne,” she joked. Just like her to joke at a time like now.
“But clearly we missed a few things about you. Things I assume is why you've brought your girlfriend halfway across the world. We made a pact signed of blood. You'd show me yours if I showed you mine.”
Wilhelmina and me couldn't have been more isolated, given the values that we learned from the church. I wasn't kidding when I said we told each other everything. When I left for New York, something told her I wouldn't stay a virgin for long, if only she knew how wrong I was.
For comparison purposes, we agreed to share our first experiences to see if Mormon women experienced the same things as Mormon men did, during our first time.
She was only five years older, but she had gotten married by twenty-six, so there was no doubt that I'd been a virgin much longer after we'd made that pact.
I’d had nothing to share until now. It never came up in casual phone calls because of that. “Well, my time is pretty recent. I imagine yours was years ago.”
“Doesn't negate the pact,” she nosily pointed out.
“You first,” as I was hoping our experiences hadn't been so different, because if I went first, it would sound like I was bragging.
“Don't get me wrong, I love Ka’imi. But two virgins together just didn't mix. Both of us had anxiety and couldn't get past the shame, even though we did everything right. Took us like a year to have healthy relations. And even then, we were playing it by ear.”
“Now I feel bad because mine was nothing like that,” I started laughing, trying to sound humble about it, but poorly conveying such.
“What, so you just knew what you were doing?”
“Heck no, but that's why I recruited a phenomenal teacher,” I joked “I had hella anxiety, too. Whole time I was praying not to bust too quick, make weird noises, and that I didn't look like an idiot,” I smiled through gritted teeth.
“So, you didn't feel guilty or anything?”
“I mean, a little. But I have a great partner. She was patient with me. Gave me the guidance and confidence to catch on quick.”
“So, you're saying it's just easier for men?”
“No, I'm just saying that was my experience. You asked.”
“So, was there ever a time where things started to mellow out? Where like…you've already done it. You know what it feels like. And then you're like…I'm glad when it happens, but I'm okay when it doesn't,” she asked with curiosity.
“No,” I said in a smug smile. “Sometimes it happens every day. Sometimes two to four times a day,” trying to keep it as PG as possible.
“You really have sex four times a day?” she asked almost in a whisper.
“If she came at me five times, I'm sure I’d be down.”
“Wow, I feel like that's where I'd like to be. But Ka’imi is like chill. Happy when it happens. Not complaining when it doesn't.”
“What worked for us was communicating a lot. Without being vulgar, my girlfriend had a lot of needs, and as someone who loves her, I took no issue meeting those needs. If all else fails, a kink 101 class helped. It sounds cruder than it is. And it’s not always present with us, but if what you think you have is a connection issue, that would really help. ”
“So, communicate? Kink 101?” she said, typing it in her notes. “Oh, and expect Jaq to be a little tired when you see her next. Mum and the girls kind of took her on a little adventure. Don't be surprised that she's tired to do anything.”
“Oh man, I forgot about that. I was so worried about dad, I forgot I left Jaq with you guys. Excuse me, I just have to go check on her. “
As I rushed into the house, relieved when I saw her exhausted frame stretched out on in a nap across what would be our shared mattress. I closed the door, hoping a family member wasn't nearby, crawling on the bed beside her, kissing her face and whispering her name. “Jaq?”
Her fatigue responded by the fourth kiss. “Geez, babe. I'm sorry to leave you like that. I promise I won't leave you alone for the rest of the trip,” I whispered, kissing her neck.
“I don't know, Graham. I'm thinking that I shouldn't have come,” as she moaned into my neck kiss.
“Why? I'm so happy that you're here. There's so much I want to show you,” as sleepy kisses turned slowly into full-on making out.
“It’s just…your family seems to be going through a lot. It just feels like I’m a distraction.”
“But you're like the best kind, baby,” as she pulled away, clearly the stronger one in this situation.
“Yeah, but I feel out of place.”
“Did my mom or sisters say something that made you uncomfortable? I could talk to them—”
“No, Graham. They were really nice. I can just feel the tension of me not being the ideal type for you, given I didn't grow up in the LDS faith. I've had to stop myself from swearing no less than twenty times.”
“Well, they know you're a nevermo. And that you're from New York, so they weren't exactly expecting some white girl from Orange County. You can be yourself.”
“Your mom took us coconut harvesting, and in time it turned into a contest of tag, but really it just seemed like a way to get the city girl sweaty and tired.”
“Oh, so you could use a shower?” As she nodded an “mmmhmm.”
“So maybe we can have a shower?” I spoke in a suggestive tone as Jacqueline caught the hint, both of us tossing our dirty clothes in the hamper before continuing that lip wrestling match in the shower.
Honestly, there was nothing sexier than watching soapy water slip down your girlfriend's body, even when she hogged all the hot water.
A knock at the bathroom door caught both of us all off guard, me especially, since I'd had to rip my mouth away from her tit.
I mouthed, “It's probably mum, I have to answer.”
“Yeah?”
“Tamā, are you in there?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“When I saw your door closed, I didn't know where you were. Did you see Jaq?”
“Uh, she's in here. Having a shower. Just figured we'd save water,” trying to sound like that's all that we'd been doing.
“Well, be in and out, the baby's finally awake and we thought you wanted to meet her.”
“All right, Mum. We'll be right out,” saying whatever would get her to go away. Jaq and I had a good laugh about it, as she teased me for my mother doing exactly what I said she'd do.
“Well, at least I wasn't balls deep inside you, like when your mum interrupted us,” half defending, half joking.
“We'll just have to finish this another time.” Jaq kissed me, hopping out and getting dressed before me. Hopping out in a towel, she'd been putting on the finishing touches to her makeup as I watched her in awe.
“You left me lonely and cold,” I said, in a pouted lip.
"Your mom checked on me twice since hopping out, so I'm pretty sure she was serious about being in and out.”
“You gonna make it up to me?” I leaned for a kiss.
“Yes, baby. When we get back.”
“Promise?” as I carried her gaze until I got tired of waiting and kissed her.
“A lot. A lot, a lot. Everything's beautiful, but to know I have to live with limited sex while we're here. Expect not to get any rest.”
“You know what would take your mind off things?”
“The beach,” we said in unison.
“Graham, at this point, since we're already here, I’d go.”
“Sweet, now I get to see you in a bathing suit.”
“Boy, you see me in bra and panties all the time.”
“Yeah, but it's not the same as the sunning hitting your skin. The water hitting your body. The waves sweeping you.”
“Graham, I said I'd go. Don't be expecting me to ride a wave. Catch a wave. In fact, today is a no wave zone.”
“Okay,” I huffed, proceeding to slip into a clean change of clothes, as I looked for my sister and mum, assuming they'd be in a nursery.
The benefit to being years apart is that our home only ever needed one nursery.
Memories of family portraits painting the room a different color every time we got a new sibling came rushing through.
With my niece's birth, orange was all the rave, as I'd only remembered its last change of teal by the pictures associated with bringing Payton home. Conveniently enough, my other two siblings had joined them, giving me that extra time to with them before it happened.
“Hi, baby,” Wilhelmina cooed Kaiwhare’s face. “Time to meet your uncle Graham,” she continued in baby talk.