Chapter 6 #4
“As you wish,” he said, biting back a grin as he left with his victory.
Elloven spent half the night praying for the right words and the other half dreaming of them.
She needed her mother’s blessing. She’d go regardless.
What choice did she have? Esmeray had to accept that too.
There was no other way to break the bond.
But her mother had her reasons for her worries, and Elloven didn’t want to end up somewhere that would give those fears space to breathe and grow.
“Mama?” She tiptoed into the room, expecting darkness, but her mother was already fully dressed, rouged, and drinking from a fluted glass at her vanity.
The silver table was the one beautiful piece of furniture left at Nightwood.
Esmeray had stubbornly held onto it even as debt collectors took everything else of worth.
“There you are,” Esmeray said, like she’d been waiting for hours. The candlelight flickered with her breath. Her mouth looked like a pair of stacked flames, but the rouging was uneven and settled oddly into her wrinkles. “Come, sit, love.”
“It’s barely dawn.” Elloven tried to read her mother’s mood as she eased onto the bench beside her. “How long have you been up?”
“You need to go with Taven, Elloven.”
Elloven pulled back, confused. Her mother had been ready with the words, which made them even more bewildering. “What?”
“This morning, straightaway. I’ve already packed trunks for the three of you, including food and provisions to get you to Curia Rivenholde and back.
Taven knows the way to your father’s people.
If anyone... If anyone can help you, it will be them.
” Her pause was brief, her next words rapid and breathless.
“I thought I was protecting you, but after all you’ve been through, if that’s protection, then I have truly failed. ”
“What are you talking about?” Elloven’s confusion muted better questions. What did she mean, her father’s people? The Hawthornes were from Oldcastle. And why was she suddenly so agreeable?
“Even if I’d wanted to tell you all of it, there’s no good place to start.
And I... I have forgotten the faces of my ancestors.
I have forgotten the way back to them. That’s the truth.
Taven is not who I’d have chosen for you, for this moment.
..” Esmeray’s lips parted, then pursed. She jerked herself alert.
“Nonetheless, you’re going no matter what I say.
You have no fear or respect for my cautions—”
“I just can’t fear or respect something I don’t understand,” Elloven replied. Her mother’s reversal was too neat. “What happened? Why did you change your mind?”
Esmeray’s eyes flitted sideways, but she spoke quickly, too quickly for her words to have been a lie.
“Taven was right. You’ll go no matter what I say, and it will only hurt you to leave you so unprepared.
He knows the way, and while I have my qualms with him, there is no one else.
It would not be safe for you to wander those mountains without guidance, not with your blood. ”
“How? How can Taven know the way to a place he’s never been?”
Esmeray’s brief start exposed that she’d not considered the question until then. “Curia magic is peculiar, Ellie. If he believes he knows, he knows. Asking how is as useful as asking why. Nothing I could tell you would help you understand.”
“Did you ask him?”
Esmeray sighed and looked away.
Elloven didn’t know what to make of any of it. “If I ask him, will he tell me the truth?”
“Part of it, perhaps. He’s a troubled man, but his occasional kindnesses make him more dangerous than when he’s at his worst. Taven can be lovely at times, can’t he?
Quite charming, thoughtful. I believe he believes that is who he is always, and any lapse in his guise is merely him reacting to a world trying to make his humanity impossible, all in the name of what he deems to be right.
” Esmeray set her glass on the vanity and curled her hands around Elloven’s, then squeezed.
“Taven believes he loves you. He believes it in his marrow. I caution you that whatever passes for love in him, there is no light behind it and no room for yours to shine through. But... because he believes it, I expect he will act in accordance with it.”
“What does that mean?” A tingle started in Elloven’s face, building to something more.
“It means, my sweet girl, that his self-deception of thinking he’s a chivalrous man may be what helps him pretend to be one. It means, despite my powerful objections, El, that you will be safer with him than you’d ever be on your own.”
Elloven had considered most outcomes to the impassioned speech she’d prepared, but not one of them involved Esme encouraging her to go.
Did it really have to be Taven? She’d hoped to be gone before he realized and could follow.
But if Esme had forgotten the way, then Taven was the only one who could guide her, and there was no chance he’d simply give her the information and watch her ride away into the morning. With Jesstin.
Suddenly she no longer wanted to leave at all. “What if I’m not safe? What if you’re right?”
“Of course I’m right,” Esmeray blurted. “I’ve spent nearly three decades trying, though mostly failing, to keep you safe, but I was wrong to stand in the way of your own free will.
You haven’t been a child for many years.
You have a right to know who you are and decide what to do with whatever you learn.
I was never meant to protect you forever, only as long as the fates allowed.
Turns out, I’m not very good at it anyway. ”
“What could you have done?” Elloven’s voice broke.
Everything she’d been through was never far from her mind, but all those memories, all they could ever be, were facts.
Facts had only the power given to them. The pieces could never be allowed to become whole, because she’d never survive the clarity.
“I’m sorry for leaving when I’ve only just returned. ”
“Nonsense. You’ll find your answers and come home, and then we’ll have all the time in the world.”
“You really think I should go?”
“I think you will go,” Esmeray said tentatively. “You were always going to go one day. What you did for Jesstin added the urgency I needed to face that. If you don’t go, there will be no fixing it.”
“I see.” Elloven chewed her inner lip. She was stalling, and they both knew it. She’d been counting on a debate, and the lack of one had her second-guessing everything. “Is there nothing else we should talk about before I go?”
“You should leave soon if you want to make full use of the day’s light.
The driver Taven hired arrived a bit ago, but don’t rely only on him, Elloven.
You should all take turns, ride through the night if you have to.
There will be guards patrolling the Easterlands passages, and you need to be in the Westerlands before they realize you’ve left sanctuary.
Relying on Jesstin’s sword and your magic will only get you so far.
” Esmeray bowed her head. “There is one thing, El, and it won’t make sense to you now, but there may come a time.
.. and if the time comes, you’ll remember I said this.
And when you do, you will know what to do with it. ”
Elloven cocked her head, but her mother shook hers with a finger to her lips. She leaned in close.
“Listen carefully,” Esmeray said and whispered the rest.