Chapter 4
Four
The green silk had been in Nell’s wardrobe for seventeen years, wrapped in muslin to protect it from dust, moths, and time.
She stood before the open wardrobe now, running her fingers over the fabric through its protective covering.
French silk, her mother had told her once.
It had been purchased before the war with France made such luxuries impossible to find.
Her mother had worn it the night she met Nell’s father at a country dance in Derbyshire, an evening not unlike the one planned for the village green tonight.
Something beautiful should go with you, her mother had whispered, pressing the dress into Nell’s hands the night she’d run away with Gabriel. Even if everything else about this is wrong.
Nell hadn’t worn it since. She hadn’t dared. Beautiful things invited attention, and attention invited pain. She’d learned that lesson well in the years that followed.
A knock sounded at her bedroom door. Martha entered without waiting for an invitation, her sewing basket tucked under one arm. “You are still staring at it.” She crossed the small room and pulled the muslin away with brisk movements. “Staring won’t make it fit. Let us see what we are working with.”
The silk spilled free, catching the candlelight like water. It was a deep green, the colour of spring leaves and new growth, of things that hadn’t yet learned to be afraid.
“French silk, pre-war.” Martha lifted the bodice, examining the seams with a seamstress’s critical eye. “You’ve been hiding quality in that wardrobe, Mrs. Ashford.”
“It was my mother’s.” Nell touched the fabric, half-expecting it to crumble under her fingers, but the weave held firm.
“Strip down, then.” Martha began threading a needle with efficient movements. “Let us see what needs adjusting.”
Ten minutes later, Nell stood before the small mirror above her dresser while Martha worked the buttons up her spine. The glass was old and slightly warped, giving back a reflection that seemed to belong to someone else entirely.
“Another inch in the bust.” Martha murmured the words around a mouthful of pins, her breath warm against Nell’s neck. “Half at the waist. It sits properly now.” She tugged at the bodice, checking her work and smoothing the fabric over Nell’s ribs. “You fill it the way it was meant to be filled.”
The dress curved over her fuller breasts. It draped instead of pulling tight. Below the high waist, the silk followed the soft roundness of her belly and the flare of her hips. The colour warmed her skin and made her dark hair shine.
Gabriel’s voice slid through her memory.
You think a silk dress changes what you are? Mutton dressed as lamb.
She shut her eyes and forced air into her lungs. She pushed him back into the place where she kept everything she refused to let break her. When she looked again, the woman in the mirror remained. She still wore green silk. She still looked like someone worth seeing.
She remembered him in the rain-streaked doorway. She remembered how Lord Westmore had regarded her across the counter. Not with pity. Not with disgust. With something that made her pulse quicken. She had spent years making herself fade into grey dresses with her head lowered.
Tonight she wanted something different. Just for one evening, she wanted to feel like the woman her mother had been. She wanted to be the woman who had worn this dress to a dance and believed that beautiful things were meant to be enjoyed. Not for anyone, but for herself.
“It’s good to see you like this.” Martha stepped back as she admired her handiwork. “Like a woman who remembers she is allowed to be beautiful.”
Nell reached for a ribbon on her dresser, her fingers trembling slightly against the wood. “I am only going to sell baked goods.”
“That’s not all.” Martha took the ribbon from her and began to thread it through Nell’s hair with deft, soothing movements. “You deserve one night where you are not just the baker, the mother, or the widow. You deserve to be Nell.”
Nell’s throat tightened, making it difficult to swallow. She watched in the mirror as Martha tied off the ribbon, the green silk catching the light with every shallow breath. “What if I have forgotten how?”
Her fingers drifted to the small black ribbon still pinned at her collar. For nine years she’d worn it; nine years of being the untouchable widow. It was a scrap of fabric that told the world she belonged to a dead man so she wouldn’t have to explain why she belonged to no one at all.
She unpinned it. The silk felt soft between her fingers, worn thin from years of washing—it was such a small thing to carry so much weight.
“Nell?” Martha’s voice was careful and low as she watched her friend’s reflection.
Nell crossed to the window and pushed it open.
The cool evening air rushed in, smelling of woodsmoke and autumn leaves.
She looked at the ribbon one last time, this lie she’d wrapped around her throat like a collar, and threw it into the darkness.
It fluttered once, caught the dying light, and vanished into the shadows of the alleyway.
“I am done.” The words came out rough, scraped from somewhere deep inside her. “I am done being his widow. I am done wearing his death like a shield.” She turned back to Martha, and something in her chest cracked open. It was not a break, but a release. “I want to be Nell tonight. Just Nell.”
Martha’s eyes glistened in the candlelight. She pressed her palm to Nell’s cheek. “Then go be her. She has been waiting a long time.”
The walk to the village green took ten minutes on a good day. Tonight, with Lily bouncing ahead and doubling back every few steps, it took nearly twenty.
“Mama, do you think there will be fire-eaters?” Lily tugged at Nell’s hand, her spectacles sliding down the bridge of her nose. “Sarah Martin said there were fire-eaters last year, but I don’t believe her because Sarah Martin is a liar.”
“Lily.” Nell reached down and adjusted her daughter’s spectacles with gentle fingers. “We don’t call people liars.”
“But she is one.” Lily kicked at a stray stone in the path, her small face set in a scowl. “She said her father caught a fish as big as a horse, and that’s not even possible.”
“Perhaps it was a very small horse.” Oliver spoke from Nell’s other side, his hand tucked firmly in hers. He was trying to look dignified, the way he always did when they went somewhere public, but his eyes kept darting toward the distant glow of torchlight.
Martha walked behind them, shifting the burden of the basket of goods they hadn’t been able to fit on Daphne’s cart. “Fire-eaters, puppet shows, and enough roasted meat to feed an army. You will have plenty to see.”
The village green opened before them like a scene from a fairy story.
Lanterns were strung between ancient oak trees, their light dancing in the autumn breeze.
Long tables groaned with food, including roasted chickens, meat pies, wheels of cheese, and baskets of crusty bread.
Musicians stood on a wooden platform, already playing a lively tune that made Nell’s feet itch with a forgotten rhythm.
Everyone was here. Farmers in their best coats stood near merchants and their wives, while gentry nodded politely to servants they would ignore come morning.
The Harvest Festival was one of two nights a year when hierarchies softened, when ale and torchlight made everyone equal, or close enough to it.
Nell spotted her stall near the edge of the green. It was a simple wooden table covered with a clean cloth, already laden with seed cakes and ginger biscuits. Daphne stood behind it, waving her arms frantically.
“There’s Daphne.” Nell quickened her pace, suddenly self-conscious of the green silk and the way it swished against her legs with every step. “Martha, can you,” she trailed off, gesturing vaguely toward the children.
“I will keep them fed and out of trouble.” Martha was already reaching for Lily’s hand, her dark eyes glinting with a knowing look. “You work. And maybe,” she paused, a sly smile touching her lips, “don’t work too hard.”
“Mama!” Lily broke free long enough to throw her arms around Nell’s waist, nearly upsetting her balance. “You look like a princess!”
Nell hugged her back, breathing in the clean soap and sugar smell of her daughter’s hair. “Go on, then. Stay with Martha. Don’t eat so many sweets that you make yourself sick.”
“I make no promises.” Lily was already pulling Martha toward the puppet show, chattering loudly about fire-eaters and the dishonesty of Sarah Martin.
Oliver lingered. He didn’t say anything about the dress, for he rarely spoke of things that mattered, but he squeezed her hand once, his small fingers tight around hers. His eyes met hers, looking far too old for a boy of nine, carrying questions he didn’t know how to ask.
“I am fine.” Nell spoke quietly, stroking his hair away from his forehead. “Go have fun. That’s an order.”
The ghost of a smile crossed his face. Then he was gone, following his sister into the crowd. His dark head bobbed between the bodies of the villagers until she lost sight of him.
Daphne’s eyes went wide when Nell reached the stall, her mouth dropping open. “Nell!” She pressed both hands to her cheeks, her face lighting up. “You look, you look like a painting. A proper painting, the kind that hangs in rich people’s houses.”
Nell busied herself straightening the seed cakes, though they were already perfectly aligned. “It’s just a dress, Daphne.”
“It’s not just a dress.” Daphne’s grin stretched from ear to ear as she began to rearrange a stack of biscuits. “Half the village is going to trip over their own feet when they see you.”
“Then half the village should watch where they are walking.” Nell smoothed the tablecloth, trying to ignore the heat rising in her cheeks.