Chapter 13 #4
“Take one step, then turn towards me and take another one forward,” I said. When he was close enough, I reached for his hand and pulled him to sit on the mattress. “You could have turned on the light,” I pointed out.
“I didn’t want to wake you up.” He laughed quietly. “I didn’t want to wake you up more, I meant. Are you thinking about your brother?”
I had been, but there were other things, too.
I was thinking about the email I’d gotten earlier, the one with the subject line “congratulations” and the name of a company in Tempe, Arizona.
After a lengthy process that had included two video interviews and one on the phone, they had offered me a job.
I’d never been to Arizona. I’d never been west of Ludington on the Lake Michigan shoreline. It was so exciting!
But I’d also been thinking a lot about the person now seated next to me on the bed, which was small in order to fit in this room. “There’s a lot on my mind,” I answered. “What about you?”
“I was mostly going over what you said about how I wasn’t leaving the house.
I’m sorry I scared you,” he apologized. “You were right that I was doing it on purpose. When I knocked over that tray and Isaiah got cut, it put the fear into me. Off the field, I’ve always been careful about other people.
My sisters are tough but they’re all smaller than I am and I never wanted to hurt anybody.
Seeing the blood coming out of Isaiah’s arm made me realize how much of a risk I am. ”
“It was—”
“It was an accident,” Shane filled in. “Yeah, and it could have happened to anyone. It happened to Isaiah because I couldn’t see the tray of drinks in the dark. Maybe I won’t see a kid running across the road. What else am I missing?”
“Driving must be scary.” What would he do if he had to give up his license, though?
His thoughts were running along the same lines.
“How am I going to do my job if I can’t get to it?
Will I have to pay someone to chauffeur me?
I need to save for the future,” he said.
“What if I can’t work? And what am I going to do during the season?
It’s coming up so fast.” He reached to rub his eyes but then stopped.
“I’m supposed to catch every detail on the field but I could easily miss things. ”
I was quiet because there wasn’t a lot I could say to all that. It was exactly what I’d been worried about, too.
“I was lying there in my bed, thinking about running away. Like a little kid might do,” he said. “I’ll put a bag over my shoulder and take off, and I’ll escape this somehow.”
“I wish you could,” I told him. I reached over again to take his hand.
“I know it’s genetic. It’s the luck of the draw.” His fingers held tightly to mine. “But I keep asking if I did something to cause it. No, to deserve it,” he explained. “I review all the mistakes I’ve made—”
“There’s nothing that you did.”
He sighed. “What about the things I haven’t done? There’s so much to see in the world. Why didn’t I go to the pyramids in Egypt? Why didn’t I visit the Statue of Liberty?”
“Why don’t we do those things now?” I asked. “I’ll go with you.” We could rob a bank to fund it, which I would seriously consider.
“I also think about the experiences I’m going to miss in the future.
I always wanted to be a father, but how could I?
I wouldn’t be able to take care of a baby or watch a toddler.
When I was little, I ran out into the street but my dad saw and caught me.
” His voice broke a little and he cleared his throat.
“My son would get hit because I would be useless.”
“You would be different but not useless at all! Would you say that someone who uses a wheelchair shouldn’t be a father because he can’t run?
Maybe that guy would be the best dad in the world—no, because I think that you would be the best dad in the world,” I told him.
“You would be patient and kind, and encouraging and loving. A kid would be lucky to have you.” I had an idea.
“If you want to have a baby, I’ll give you one right now. ”
He made a small sound that was almost like a laugh. “Like you’d steal one?”
I had meant that I would physically produce one using his sperm and my egg. He continued before I could explain.
“It’s overwhelming sometimes. That’s why I can’t sleep tonight. I’m so worried about the future.”
“Could you come here?” I requested. “Come to me.”
With the hand that I wasn’t clutching, Shane gently touched my cheek. “Are you crying?” he asked.
I was, but that wasn’t the reason that I wanted him to lie down and hug me. I needed it, but I thought that he did, too. He was careful not to push or jostle me as he stretched out on the narrow bed, and he was careful as he put his arms around me and drew our bodies together.
“Don’t cry,” he said. “I’m not wearing a T-shirt.”
I wrapped my arms around him, too, and settled my face against his neck. “We’ll get through this. We will.”
He didn’t answer but I believed that. And I was going to make it true.