Fourteen
I want to give you all of my yesterdays. I want to take back the seconds, minutes, and hours without you. I want to erase the cacophony of what was, to revel in what never was. I promise all of my tomorrows to you. I give you my heart, for it is you that made it beat.
I fucking love it, baby! Keep writing! – P.
“What are you reading?”
It’s been weeks since the big fight, and during that time, we’ve lived in our own happy bubble.
I remember the day that I finally asked Alex about her tattoo.
It was a series of Chinese symbols, elegant, and poignant.
“It means love conquers all.” When I asked her if she still believed it, she told me that love’s power is infinite.
“I’m not. I’m studying,” she said, holding up her book.
“Italian for Beginners?”
“I want to learn your language.”
I haven’t spoken those three words out loud, but I ached to say them. Instead, I told her, “God, you’re amazing.”
“Amazing, amazing, amazing...” she said flipping to the front of the book. “Ah. Here it is... incredibile. Sei incredibile, amore mio. Is that right?”
She was leaning against my shoulder with her legs stretched out on the couch. Kissing her in her hair, I asked, “Are you saying that to me?”
“Yes. Did I say it right?”
“Do you know what ‘amore mio’ means?”
“Of course I do. I’m already past that part of the alphabet. I just couldn’t remember how to say ‘amazing.’”
She tossed the book on the floor and rested her head in my lap. “You know you’re the master of suspense?”
“Am I?”
“Yes,” she said, playfully pinching my arm.
“You said it right, baby.”
“Grazie. What do you want to do tonight?”
Taking my hand, she placed it on her breast. “Is this a hint of what you want to do tonight?”
The first time we made love, she cried. I wanted to stop, but she begged me not to. Afterwards, as I held her and stroked her hair, she explained that the powerful emotions she was feeling were indescribable, and when words are not enough, her body speaks for her.
“Is that even a question? But I meant dinner. We haven’t discussed it yet. What do you want for dinner?”
Leaning over, I kissed her. “Do you want to go out?”
“No. I want to stay home.”
“What are you in the mood for?” I’ve gained ten pounds since my last fight, mostly because I haven’t been to the gym regularly, but the extra weight I’m carrying is worth it because cooking and eating with Alex is one of my greatest joys.
We’ve even adopted the Italian tradition of discussing the next meal while eating the one we just prepared.
“Nothing too heavy.”
“Then how about pan seared Halibut served over a basil pesto base, topped with sauteed cherry tomatoes and asparagus spears?”
“Are you kidding? You sound like Julia Child. Yes!” she said, sitting up. “Unless...”
“Unless?”
“Unless you want to pop open that can of ravioli. We can even share a fork to make it romantic.”
Pulling her back over my lap, I spanked her once. “Smartass,” I said, letting her go. “Halibut it is. I’ll run to the store.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t have to, baby. I won’t be long.”
“Are you serious?”
“Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
I wanted to bite my tongue until it bled.
In an instant, her demeanor changed. It was storming, and like an idiot, I reminded her of the single most tragic event of her life.
I watched as she got up and stood by the main window.
Arms crossed, she spoke to her reflection when she said, “I knew the second he left that he wasn’t coming home. ”
Home sounded like a four-letter word. I thought about the kid who eventually went to the reformatory after committing a string of robberies.
On the first day of summer break, we hung out at the park and talked for hours.
A cigarette dangled from his mouth when he told me, “I do it on purpose. So I can get away from him.” He was aged beyond his years.
“Home’s supposed to be a safe place eh, Pip? I wish my bastard father would die.”
Standing, I approached her. I didn’t touch her. I spoke to her back when I said, “I can’t imagine what you went through. I wish I could take your pain away. I’d do anything to take it away.” The rainwater splashed up from the puddle on the driveway like it was raining in reverse.
“Do you know what’s worse than the Goddamn beeping of the patient monitor?”
She hugged herself and dug her nails into her skin.
“I... no. I don’t.”
Turning towards me, she brought me back in time with her. “When there is no beeping. When it’s off, and the screen is dark, and all you can hear is the boisterous laughter of the hospital staff.”
I was saddened, imagining the scene. Like my father, her husband was taken instantly. “There was no time to say goodbye.”
The phone rang, but we both ignored it. Its ring was vulgar. We felt violated by an inanimate object.
“No. There wasn’t. One kind nurse told me to talk to him anyway. That he could still hear me... give me a break. Please, make it stop!”
Before I could move, the phone stopped ringing.
Alex covered her face with her hands and leaned against my chest where my heart was beating furiously.
“I’ll be your second set of eyes,” she said, staring up at me.
“I’ll watch the road for you. I don’t care how close the store is, but I’m fucking coming with you because I will not lose another man I love. ”
In thirty seconds, she changed both our lives.
I waited, unwilling to offend her with admissions of love, and romantic sentiments when she had just shared her horrific past, but with her smile, and a subtle nod, she granted me permission.
“I fucking love you, Alex. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I fucking love you.”
“Why the hell are you apologizing!?”
“I... I don’t know!”
Our laughter broke through the weariness surrounding us.
“Pip, I...”
“It’s okay,” I said, knowing she could never say the words to her husband. “You already told me.”
Kissing me passionately, she guided me to the carpet.
We shared a raw hunger for each other, wanting to leave even our fingerprints behind.
As we made love, we were aware of the fragility of life, and were reminded of its beauty, and complexity, and savored each touch, every kiss, because without warning, it could all be taken away.
“You know what?” Her breathing was erratic; a lover’s morse code. “Ravioli doesn’t sound so bad after all.”