Twenty-Five
FIVE MONTHS LATER
Snow fell steadily, the kind that dusts everything lightly and robs the world of its color.
Snowplows on the highway made the afternoon commute unbearable.
By the time we reached my quiet neighborhood, the snow gracefully muted any noise.
I had asked the Para-Taxi driver to keep the radio off, and he wasn’t the type to chat my ear off.
My world was serene. I was being offered a new lease on life, and the sense of tranquility that followed was like a gift.
The phrase that’s been drilled into my head over the last five months has become my mantra: Nothing changes, if nothing changes. I had signed a contract using my blood, sweat, and tears, and the debt had been paid – the debt I owed to myself.
“The eagle has landed.” The driver’s joke held meaning. It was a sign from pop who was watching me from up in space.
After paying him, I waited while he dropped the ramp that served as my red carpet before helping me onto the porch.
“Do you want me to put your bag inside?”
“Thanks,” I said, unlocking the front door. “I appreciate it.”
“For sure, man. Have a good night.”
My house was foreign to me, too dark, and too silent. I turned on all the lights and then the radio before turning up the heat.
“Police are warning residents to stay off the roads unless travel is absolutely necessary.
We're expecting another six inches before it's over.
That's not all folks, freezing rain is expected to begin this evening and last into the night. The weather out there is frightful, but hey... snow day! Up next, Green-Eyed Lady...”
The answering machine is blinking with thirty-five unheard messages. Determined to start fresh, I deleted them all. I’m starving, but not for food. My soul is famished, and swallowing my pride, I picked up the phone and prayed for courage.
“He’s alive.”
I could hear the typical sounds in the background of revelers’ laughter, and music that emanated from the 1950s style Jukebox. “I hope you’re happy I am.”
“If you’re asking me whether I hate your guts, the answer is no. Where the fuck have you been? I got your love letters, but you never answered mine.”
Once a week, I waited until I knew Nicky’s was closed, and left Nick a voice message to let him know I was safe, because after days and weeks of soul-searching, I realized that the most important person in my life was my childhood best friend. “Yeah. Sorry. I... needed time to myself to think.”
“I figured. Drove by your place almost every night. I knew you weren’t dead since the driveway was plowed and your mailbox wasn’t overflowing.”
I had asked Mrs. Busybody’s husband to shovel for me and collect my mail. As soon as I offered to pay him, he was happy to do it, because being neighborly comes with a price tag.
“Thanks.”
“For what?”
“For checking up on me.”
“You knew I would, goofball. You missed Christmas.”
“I know,” I said, thinking about pop and what he said about space being timeless. “Merry belated.”
“Hang on. Yo! Justin! Your order’s up. Sorry, Pippo. Damn kid is scatterbrained. You know I was going to break your door down if I didn’t hear from you soon.”
“Then I’m glad I called because I like having a front door. I missed you, buddy.” I did. I missed him. I missed my old life, and I missed the love I once had, the kind of love that transcends this world.
“We all missed you too.”
My palms moistened. “We?”
“Yeah. Brenda, the kids. You almost sound sane. How are you feeling health-wise?”’
“Whole.”
“What’s that mean?”
“It means that I’m not defined by this chair.”
“Well, it’s a bloody Christmas miracle! That’s the Pip I know and love.”
Her name was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t say it. She was the first thing I thought about in the morning, the last thing I thought about at night, and the only thing I thought about every waking second in between.
“How’s Brenda?”
“She’s not here.”
“I didn’t think she was. I was just asking how...”
“I know you better than you know yourself and who you really want to ask about is Alex. She’s not here, brother. But I know where she is. I can drive you.”
Lights dotted the exterior of the building, artificial light that was pouring through small, thick, square windows. The mausoleum was unwelcoming to strangers who had lost their faith, and not even Alex’s crucifix that I was wearing made me feel like I had permission to enter.
Nick turned off the van’s engine and faced me with one arm draped over the steering wheel. “It’s her wedding anniversary today.”
“You’ve become close.”
“Yeah. I made nice with the fire-breathing dragon,” he said, smirking. “You good? You want me to come with you?”
I’ve dreamed about this moment for months. Thoughts of reuniting with her was the only thing that kept me going, but maybe that’s all it was meant to be – a fantasy.
“No,” I said, staring blankly outside the passenger side window.
“Hey. Look at me. You know that I wouldn’t bring you here if I thought she didn’t want to see you.”
“You think she wants to see me?” Sweat was trickling down my back. It was an unusual place for a romantic rendezvous.
“I’m no Romeo, but I live with a wife and two mini versions of her. I think I’ve gotten pretty good at reading a woman’s mind.”
“Help me into my chair.”
“At your service.”
Nick slipped several times before managing to wheel me up to the glass doors of the mausoleum. Inside, the lighting was harsh and severe, like the hospital, and did nothing to help mask a person’s expression, but I wanted to be exposed. I wanted Alex to know every raw detail.
“How do I look?”
“Like a fighter. I’ll park the van so it’s facing the doors. I’ll wait for you there. You got this, buddy.”
As Nick was about to pull on the door, a caretaker that looked like he could be Cable’s brother let us in. “You’re just in time. I was about to lock up for the night.”
“Is... anyone else in there?”
“There’s a lot of people in there, son. Not all of them breathing. Do you need me to help you?”
“Thanks, but I’ll drive.” I smiled, and it was genuine.
Pop and ma were buried outside under traditional headstones.
Other than seeing a mausoleum as a setting in a movie, I have never been inside one.
There wasn’t a speck of dust in the place, and the only sound was that of my wheels as they spun and my labored breathing.
It was difficult not to notice the names on various resting places.
Long-married couples were buried side-by-side.
Children who barely had a chance to live had left this world too soon, and somewhere in this place, a young man named Simon had company tonight.
Rounding a corner, I could see a woman sitting on a marble bench.
She wore a blanket over her shoulders making her look meek, and frail.
There was no way to make a surprise entrance.
It was too quiet not to hear someone approaching, especially if that someone rode in on two wheels.
I would never be the white knight on a stallion.
The blanket fell from her shoulders when she stood. She turned as white as a ghost, maybe believing she was seeing one.
“Alex.” It was all I could manage to say without crying.
“What... what are you doing here?”
She was more beautiful than I remembered, and ten times sadder. “I wanted to meet the other man who loves you with all his heart.”
She didn’t try to hide the fact that she was crying. Even from ten feet away, I could see she was trembling. “It’s been months.”
“I know. And I realized that there are no pictures of us. We need pictures.”
Crossing her arms, she paced in front of her husband’s crypt. “I don’t understand. And I don’t know what you want me to say. How did you find me?”
“Nick. He brought me here. Perdonami, Alex.”
“What does that mean?”
Many times, she’s asked me to translate Italian.
This time, once she learned what the word meant, it would be a covenant between us.
“It means forgive me. Forgive me for everything. I don’t deserve your forgiveness.
I’ll earn it, if you that’s what you want.
I’ll earn your trust back. I know everything you did for us was a sacrifice, and I had no right to judge you.
I understand that now. As difficult as it was to understand, I finally got it through my thick head.
” I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“God answered my prayers when you came into my life. And I’ve missed you. I’ve fucking missed you. I...”
“Stop. Please... stop.”
My fantasy dissolved before my eyes. It was too late.
I was too late to win her back. “I don’t blame you for hating me.
I promise that I won’t bother you again, because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.
Can I ask you one thing? Can I take one thing with me?
You were going to tell me something before the last fight.
I asked you to wait until the fight was over. What were you going to tell me?”
Her sobs echoed throughout the mausoleum. I watched as she bent over at the waist and held her knees. Her hair covered her face as she did. We all wear masks. “I was going to tell you what I could never tell Simon. I was going to tell you that I loved you. I was going to say, ‘I love you.’”
My heart was pounding out of my chest. I held my breath to stifle the opposite of a prayer. I wanted to curse God, but I was the only one at fault. Strong men do cry and I let the tears fall. This place has housed a million tears. “I’ve been so fucking stupid.”
“You’re not allowed to do that. You’re not allowed to do this to me! For weeks, I thought you’d come to me. I worried about you constantly. It was Nick who told me you were leaving him messages because he saw how worried I was. He is a good man, Pip.”
“And I’m a bastard.” I reached around my neck to remove the crucifix.
“Keep it.”
“A souvenir?” I smirked and wiped my nose with my sleeve.
“No. You didn’t let me finish. I loved you then, and I love you still.”
The months I spent suffering became insignificant, but if she was inviting me back into her world, I needed to know without a shadow of a doubt. “Do you need a roommate?”
For a full two minutes, she said nothing. She simply stared at me like she was staring directly at my soul. Then, for the second time, she changed both our lives. “I do need a roommate. I was circling want-ads this morning.”
With those words, I was reborn. Leaning over, I grabbed a folding cane that was hiding in the accessory pouch of my wheelchair and used it to support myself.
I’ve practiced hundreds of times, not only to increase my strength, but because I wanted to prove to the world that sometimes, we can make our own miracles happen and our destiny isn’t shaped by tragedy.
I was like a fawn standing unsteadily on two legs. I was looking down at them, willing them not to fail me. When I looked up, I saw that Alex’s hands were covering her mouth. Her head shook in disbelief, and as I took three shaky steps, she fell to her knees.
“My God. How!?”
“I’ve been in rehab all this time. I was misdiagnosed. I have Incomplete Paraplegia. Initially, I had temporary spinal shock and inflammation, but most of all...”
Alex slowly stood, and walked towards me, mimicking my subtle movements. “Most of all what?”
“I wanted to hold you again while on my own two feet.”
Standing before me, our noses touching, we held each other up because love isn’t one-sided, and in the face of sickness, or even mortality, love doesn’t die.
One day, when we’re gone, we leave a legacy behind because those who love us will never forget us.
I would never again squander any moments with the love of my life, and never again would I forsake Alex.
“I have dreamed of this moment so many times.”
“I know. You once told me that I saved you. The truth is you saved me.” I gently brushed my thumb across her cheek.
When we lived in our happy bubble, I had memorized every inch of her face while she slept, so that even when we were apart, I could see her in my waking hours.
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t around for you to get the rest of your things. ”
Alex always prided herself on being different. Her passion was like fire beneath her feet. “They’re just things. But I left them on purpose and prayed that some day, you’d let me back in. Not just into the house, but into your heart.”
“You’ve never left my heart. I’m so sorry. For everything.”
“I’m sorry too. I wanted to come to you, and see you with my own eyes, but Nick said to give you more time.”
“Nick was wrong. He was always the best man.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing... tell me again.”
“That I need a roommate?”
“Jesus,” I said, kissing her deeply. “I’ve missed that smart mouth so much. But you knew what I meant.”
“I love you.” She pulled at her sweater to reveal her tattoo. “In every language.”
“I fucking love you. There’s one problem, though.”
“What problem?”
“Don’t you owe me a love story?”
“Are you kidding me?” Holding me tenderly, she stood on her toes and whispered in my ear. “We just lived it.”