Chapter 15 - Sarah’s Dark Thoughts
Sarah's POV
I sat cross-legged on the floor of the home gym with my head in my hands. I needed to tell Matt that I wanted to finalize the divorce. And I needed to move on. I thought I might be going insane.
These days, the images of Matt and Lily together didn't hit me like they used to. They were sharp, but they faded quickly. What lingered, what dug in and refused to let go, were the fantasies of hurting Lily. They slipped into my brain like smoke, curling around my thoughts until I couldn’t tell where they started.
They played longer than the affair did now, and they were getting darker.
The most recent one had replayed all morning: my hands on Lily’s throat, Lily’s eyes wide, the desperate, silent struggle.
My stomach made a gurgling noise. It had been almost a year since the affair, and why was I still broken?
I had called Dr. Colleen and left a voicemail earlier, asking for an urgent appointment. The sound of my phone chiming yanked me out of it. I grabbed it fast, relieved when I saw the name.
Dr. Colleen: Can you come in at 11?
I typed back before I could overthink it.
Sarah: Yes. I’ll be there.
I pushed myself off the floor, traded my workout leggings for jeans, and ran a brush through my hair. By the time I was in the car, my pulse was already climbing. I didn’t know if I was more anxious to say the words out loud or to hear whatever Dr. Colleen would say back.
In Dr. Colleen’s office, I sank into the couch, feeling both too heavy and too restless at the same time.
“You sounded urgent this morning,” Dr. Colleen said gently, settling into her chair. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I stared at my hands. “I’ve been... having these thoughts. Intrusive thoughts.”
“About the affair?”
“No... well.” My voice sounded flat. “About Lily.”
Dr. Colleen waited. I hate how she does that, leaves the silence open, but it worked.
“They’re violent,” I finally managed to say. “I picture hurting her. Sometimes I imagine... killing her. And it’s not just once in a while. It’s almost every day.”
Dr. Colleen’s expression didn’t change. “How long has this been happening?”
“Since she tried to take the kids from their school,” I admitted. “The affair hurt. But that? That made something inside me snap. I keep thinking about... stopping her. Permanently. In my head, it’s not messy or chaotic. It’s quiet. Final. And it scares me that it feels... satisfying.”
“Have you ever had thoughts like this about anyone else?”
I shook my head. “Never.”
“Have you made any plans to act on these thoughts?”
“No,” I clipped. “I wouldn’t do it. I know that’s not who I am. But the fact that I can even picture it this clearly…” I trailed off, scaring myself.
Dr. Colleen leaned forward slightly. “Intrusive thoughts are like pop-up ads in your brain. They’re not instructions.
They’re not a reflection of your morals.
They’re mental static often tied to fear, trauma, or a need to regain control.
What you’re describing is your mind’s way of trying to create a sense of safety.
In your case, the solution it’s offering is eliminating the threat entirely.
It doesn’t mean you want to kill her. It means you want to stop feeling powerless. ”
I let out a shaky laugh. “So my brain is just... throwing out murder as a coping mechanism?”
“In a twisted way, yes,” Dr. Colleen said. “Your nervous system is still on high alert. Every time Lily comes to mind, your body reacts like she’s right here, right now, threatening you or your children. That’s why the thoughts keep coming. Your brain hasn’t filed her under ‘past’ yet.”
I rubbed the aching spot at my temple. “And how do I make it stop?”
“We start by removing the shame around the thoughts. If you fight them, they get louder. If you acknowledge them, ‘I’m having the thought that I want to hurt Lily,’ it takes away some of their power. Then we replace the thought with something that actually serves you.”
“Like what? Rainbows and puppies?”
“Like a thought that’s still about protection, but doesn’t require you to destroy something,” Dr. Colleen said.
“We also work on grounding techniques. When the image shows up, you get out of your head and into your body. Feet on the floor. Name five things you see. Four you can touch. That sort of thing.”
I exhaled slowly, trying to allow her words to comfort me. “So I’m not secretly a sociopath?”
“No,” Dr. Colleen said with the faintest smile. “You’re someone who’s been hurt, threatened, and backed into a corner. But we’re going to make sure you don’t live in that corner anymore.”
I nodded, still uneasy but lighter than when I’d walked in. “Okay. Let’s do that.”
I pulled into the driveway, the conversation with Dr. Colleen looping in my head like a song I couldn’t turn off. I spent the whole drive deciding how much to tell Matt and how much to keep to myself.
He was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter with a glass of water.
“Hey. Where’ve you been?”
“I went to see Dr. Colleen.”
His brow creased. “Everything okay?”
“No.” I set my keys on the counter. “I needed to talk about these intrusive thoughts I’ve been having about Lily.”
Matt set his glass down harder than he meant to. “Are you okay, baby? Jesus, Sarah... how can I help?”
I know I looked defeated. “I don’t know if you can help, Matt. It’s just how I’m processing things right now.”
Matt’s eyes narrowed like he was weighing something. Then he straightened. “What if we just... left? Not for good, but right now.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“We take the kids and stay in a hotel for the next two weeks.”
All I could do was blink. “Two weeks in a hotel?”
“Think about it,” Matt said, stepping closer. “Room service. Spa days. Indoor pool. No laundry. No staring at the walls in here, thinking about... her. You just pack a big suitcase. I’ll get the kids packed. We make it fun.”
I stared at him for a long second before I spoke. “Matt, I think it’s time for you to go back to your apartment.”
He blinked, like he hadn’t heard me right. “What?”
I kept my voice steady. “I want to pursue the divorce. I don’t want to keep dragging this out. I no longer want to pretend to have a good marriage. It’s not fair to either of us.”
He stood frozen in place, barely breathing.
“Sarah, wait. Please. I need you to hear this. At first, yes, I stayed out of guilt. Out of obligation. I thought keeping the family together was the least I could do after what I destroyed. But somewhere in the middle of all of this, it changed. I changed. I’m not here because I have to be.
I’m here because I want to be. I want to raise our kids together. I want to grow old with you.”
I felt it in my chest, the way his voice cracked on that last sentence. And I hated how much it still got to me.
“You should have thought about that,” I said, “before you invited an unhinged, obsessed little girl into our world.”
“I didn’t know who she was. I didn’t think...”
“No. You didn’t,” I snapped. “You wanted someone who made you feel alive again. Someone who wanted you. And that’s what I want too. I want someone who wants me the way you wanted Lily. Someone who has the choice and still chooses me. Someone who sees me.”
His face crumpled, and I kept going, because I had to.
“I don’t want to just be your casual rocking chair friend, Matt. I want passion. I want someone who pursues me. I want real love. Not someone who has to fuck someone else just to realize what he had.”
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I still love you, too. This is killing me, but I deserve better. I deserve the best. You didn’t just push me into second place.
You moved to the back of the line when you fucked Lily.
I will never settle for someone less than I deserve.
Even if it takes me years to get over you.
This is for me. Not us. The idea of us was left inside of Lily almost a year ago. ”
I turned before he could say anything else, picked up my keys from the counter.
“I’m going to pick up the kids from school. I need you here when they walk through that door. I need you to be the one who tells them that you’re going back to your place.”
Then I walked out the front door.
I didn’t cry until I was in the car. And even then, it was short. I cried for what was lost, for what almost was. But then I pulled myself back together, wiped my eyes, and drove off to get the kids.