Chapter Thirty-One
When Grace woke, it was like swimming through mud. A dull pain throbbed behind her temples, and tears gathered in her eyes unbidden. Her vision blurred.
“You’re awake!” Emily’s cry sliced through the air.
Grace winced and grit her teeth together against the pain.
“Give her a moment, Emily.” Ethan’s voice made her heart flutter. “Your sister needs time to recover. She’s been asleep for a couple days now.”
Grace blinked quickly, trying to force her eyes to focus.
Black smudges obscured her vision. Slowly, the darkness at the edge of her vision became vague shapes.
Grace recognized the inside of a wagon. A cold cloth pressed against her forehead and Grace gasped at the temperature, though it helped to ground her.
She curled and uncurled her fingers, a low moan escaping from between her lips.
A blurry face appeared in her line of sight. Grace’s mouth felt dry. She wet her lips and opened her mouth to speak.
“Emily,” Grace croaked, her throat burning from disuse. “My darling.”
Emily carefully put her arms around Grace’s shoulders. It was an awkward embrace, but Grace sobbed in relief. The memory of her fall flashed in her mind’s eye. Grace wrapped her arms around her little girl, her throat clogged and heavy.
“I was worried,” Emily whispered. “Everyone was worried.”
Grace forced a smile. “It hasn’t been that long, has it?”
“It’s been a few days,” Ethan spoke cautiously, as if he was trying not to frighten her.
It didn’t matter, though. Grace drew in a sharp breath at the realization that she’d been unconscious for so long. “D-days?” she repeated
Ethan nodded. Grace blinked, and the world sluggishly came into focus. She saw the way her daughter’s face was pinched with worry, and the dark shadows that lingered beneath Ethan’s eyes. The pressure of the threatening tears grew behind her eyes, and a lump formed in her throat.
“We’ve all been taking care of you,” Ethan said. “And your pa. He’s still having some trouble because of his ribs, but the doc says there’s been some improvement. I thought it was something you might worry about once you woke up.”
Grace nodded, and the tears finally rolled down her cheeks when she blinked.
“Are you hurt?” Emily asked. “Don’t cry!”
“No,” Grace said, her throat raw and her voice a harsh croaking sound. “No, I am just so—so— …I’m grateful that you both were watching over me.”
“Here.” Ethan offered her his canteen. “Have some water.”
Grace struggled up onto her forearms. She took deep breaths as the wagon spun around her, turning the world into an indistinct blur of gray-brown color.
After a few hard blinks, everything came into focus again.
She took the canteen in a shaking hand and swallowed some water.
Grace nearly choked on it at first, but managed to force the liquid down her aching throat.
“Deep breaths,” Ethan murmured to her.
She tried to follow his advice, but her entire body ached in protest at even the smallest movement. Grace took another tentative sip of water. Pain shot through her skull, so intense that she winced.
“We have medicine,” Ethan said. “It’ll help with the pain.”
He held out a spoon, and Grace let him give her the medicine, a bitter concoction that made her stomach lurch in protest. She forced herself to swallow it, followed by another gulp of water.
Grace handed the canteen back to Ethan and laid down once more.
Her breath wanted to stay shallow, but she forced herself to breathe a little deeper.
“Do you remember what happened?” Ethan asked gently.
Grace frowned. She remembered the fall, when the ground gave way beneath her feet. What happened afterwards was a blur, but she assumed that she must’ve fallen and struck her head. And before that…
She had been with Ethan. He had said he loved her. He had said he wanted to marry her. Grace’s pulse leapt. She had refused him and stormed away, needing some time with her thoughts. Then she’d fallen.
And Ethan had stayed here, watching over her for days. More tears gathered in Grace’s eyes, and she sniffled. She should tell Ethan to leave. She should hold fast to her convictions.
But she didn’t want to. Seeing what gentle care he offered, Grace wanted to tell him everything. She wanted Ethan to pull her into his strong arms and hold her so tightly that it hurt to breathe.
“I’ll tell your pa that you’re awake,” Ethan said, moving to go get him.
“Wait!” Grace blurted out.
Ethan froze, resembling a startled deer in that moment. “Is something wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said. “Nothing, I just—Emily can fetch my father. I think we need to talk about something…don’t we?”
Ethan’s eyes studied her face intently, as if he sought some answer that only she could provide. “Are you sure you want to talk right now?” he asked. “We can wait until you’ve recovered.”
“Now,” she echoed, trying to sound firm.
“I’ll get him!” Emily declared once Grace asked her to go find Richard, scurrying from the wagon.
Grace tilted her head back and closed her eyes, fighting against the wave of nausea that rose inside her.
It was impossible to say if the churning in her stomach was the result of her injury, or because of what she intended to say to Ethan.
She had to do it, though. She had to make him understand so he would realize he deserved better than her.
So he would try to find someone better. Tears burned in her eyes as she opened them.
“Grace,” Ethan murmured, his tone nearly reverent. “I’m so sorry that all this happened.”
“Why?” she asked, hot tears falling down her face. “You didn’t do this to me. If anything, I’m to blame. I shouldn’t have wandered away from camp.”
“You needed time alone. Anyone would after that conversation.”
Grace shook her head, regretting that decision as a bolt of pain shot through her head and neck. He felt guilty, she realized. A swell of fondness for him grew inside her. Ethan blamed himself for her plight, and Grace could not bear to see him looking so dour.
“No,” she murmured. “I—I want to tell you the truth. You deserve to know.”
Ethan clasped her hand in his, and Grace’s breath hitched.
“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, Grace. I ain’t owed any of your secrets. I just—I know that I’d love you no matter what it is,” Ethan assured her.
Grace squeezed his hand, those frustrating tears welling in her eyes again. She almost wanted to laugh at how she was acting, like some weeping woman wailing at the destruction of Troy. Charles had always hated it when she cried. She hadn’t done so often, but tears made him uncomfortable.
There was no discomfort in Ethan’s face, though.
Instead, Grace saw a warm and raw sympathy, as though he was only upset because she was hurt.
It was a relief, but it also made Grace want to cry even harder.
Ethan was being so kind to her, and she wanted him.
She wanted him like she hadn’t wanted a man since Charles, like she hadn’t wanted anything in years.
Grace thought of how she’d imagined their wedding before her fall, and how a lightness had filled her when she thought about making that dream come true.
“Emily isn’t my sister,” Grace said.
It was a start. Grace searched his face for any indication of how he might feel, but his face was utterly unreadable.
She’d said the first sentence, told the first truth; that meant she couldn’t lose her resolve now.
She would have to see this revelation through to the end, and if Ethan agreed that he deserved better, he would leave.
That would hurt so very badly, but at least she wouldn’t have this poor, desperate man in front of her pining over a woman who wasn’t good enough for him.
“Then, who is Emily?” Ethan asked, his eyes narrowing. “She looks like you.”
“She’s my daughter.”
Ethan frowned, seeming far more confused than upset. “Your daughter,” he said slowly. “Then where is her father?”
“I don’t know,” Grace said. “When I was young, there was a man in Lexington whom I loved. His name was Charles. Father didn’t like him much, as he believed that Charles wasn’t good enough for me. But I was young and stubborn and in love, so I didn’t listen. We courted, and I married him.”
“And you had Emily together,” Ethan said.
“Yes, but it wasn’t quite that simple,” she said, trying and failing to keep her voice steady.
“After we married, Charles began to change for the worse. H-he began to drink heavily, and he became intolerably cruel. I—I tried to be a good wife. I even still loved him for a little while. I knew the man he had been, and I still hoped that someday he might be that man again.”
Ethan squeezed her hand. “He never was, though, was he?”
“No.” Grace bit the inside of her cheek, trying to hold herself together as the painful memories crashed into her.
Sometimes, she feared that she might be crushed by the weight of her own past. “Eventually, I—I just…I couldn’t endure it any longer, Ethan.
And I was pregnant. I knew that Emily would arrive soon, and I just couldn’t put up with it anymore.
Even if I had wanted to stay with Charles, how could I? He wasn’t fit to be a father.”
Ethan said nothing, but he offered a jerky nod. Grace searched his face for any sign that he might blame her, like Charles had. You’re the reason I am this way, Grace.
But in Ethan’s face, Grace found only sympathy. A swell of fondness rose inside her, blooming like a rose. Ethan was a good man. A kind man.
Grace tried to take courage from that knowledge, gathering herself and taking another breath, filling her lungs with air. She had not spoken openly about this to anyone except for her father, and all her nerves were tied in knots.
“So I left. I—I walked into town, all the way to my father’s house, and asked to stay with him.
Eventually, Charles came after me, but my father is—was—very powerful in Lexington,” said Grace, stumbling over her words.
“He managed to procure a divorce for me, and he sent Charles away. I haven’t seen him since.
Emily was born, and I took care of her as best I could.
My father helped, of course, and we had a nanny for her as well. ”
Ethan raked a hand through his hair and shook his head. “Terrible,” he murmured.
Grace watched him carefully, trying to determine what ‘terrible’ meant. He hadn’t yelled at her or stormed from the wagon, or told her that she was a sinful, irredeemable woman. She supposed that was a good sign.
“That is why I wanted to take the Bozeman Trail to Oregon,” Grace explained.
“I wanted to begin a new life, one where I didn’t have to endure everyone’s judgment back home, somewhere there was no chance anyone would know me.
That’s why I lied and said that Emily was my sister.
I thought about saying I was a widow, but I thought that might raise more questions.
People would want to ask about my husband, and I just—I couldn’t—I don’t think I could’ve lied about that. ”
“I understand,” Ethan said gently, his eyes softening.
Grace smiled sadly, wondering if this was the moment when he fell out of love with her.
“So you see—I have devoted my life to Emily. I must put all her needs and wants before my own. She deserves a chance to be a happy little girl without everyone whispering about her. They’d pity her, the girl whose father left. ”
“I know,” Ethan said. “I—I understand. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for Hannah.
And I…” Ethan paused for a moment, seemingly trying to collect himself after hearing all this before continuing.
“Grace, this changes nothing. You did what you had to do to take care of yourself and your daughter. I love you, and I want to be with you. I’ll prove it. ”
Grace couldn’t breathe. She stared numbly at Ethan, his heartfelt confession playing over and over inside her mind. Surely she had heard him wrong. Hope and doubt warred for dominance within her chest. He couldn’t really mean it,…could he?
“Y-you can’t mean that,” she whispered at last.
He laughed warmly, and his expression became amused. Maybe he did mean it. Grace could hardly believe it. “I care for you, Grace. You can have all the time you need to come to terms with that. I’ll be here for you and Emily.”
Grace wet her lips in a vain attempt to force words from her mouth. “You have to think of yourself, though. Your reputation! If someone learns…”
“Then we will face the difficulties together.”
Grace laughed incredulously. “You deserve a fresh start in Oregon.”
“So do you,” he countered. “Maybe we can have our fresh start together. I know why you need time, and having been married to that monster, I—I know it will be hard for you to believe me. And that’s fine. I will continue to take care of you and drive your family’s wagon. Keep your money, Grace.”
“You don’t need to…” She trailed off, suddenly exhausted. Grace suspected that whatever medicine Ethan had given her was beginning to work.
Ethan smiled and shook his head. “If I can have anything from you, I want it to be your heart,” he said. “Not money. Just your love, Grace. That’s more than enough.”