The Wallflower’s Playbook (Bats and Badgers #2)

Prologue

His mouth was ravenous, consuming him in a blazing fire. The hands running over his body were calloused, but he loved the slight scratch catching on his skin as they found their way under his shirt.

“Ohh,” he moaned, finding it the only noise he was capable of making aside from breathless gasps pleading for "more!"

“Can you take me?” His lover’s voice was husky, rough, just like his hands on him. The raw desire simmering in those few words had his knees go weak. His breath tickled his neck as he whispered in his ear—

Footsteps clomp down the hallway. I hurriedly slam the book closed and slide it into my backpack.

My heart is racing, coloring my cheeks pink, more so from the rush of being caught reading than from what I just read.

The captivating romance of Keeping Noah is a far cry from the jitters I feel.

Especially when Colin steps back into his bedroom.

He looks entirely at ease, giving me a warm smile that shows off the dimples next to his full lips.

His curly, sandy-brown hair is effortlessly stylish, as it frames his face, much like his clothes hug his body.

Everything complements one another: light beige pants, dark green dress shirt.

In comparison, I'm a mismatched amalgamation of dishwater-blond strands long enough to reach my chin and a white T-shirt that’s too big on me, yet I still don’t feel sufficiently hidden beneath the cotton.

“Here you go, Linden.”

“Thank you!” I smile up at Colin before I take the glass of water he’s holding out.

I met the man I came to know as colin_callin for our first date at a restaurant earlier tonight and quickly realized that flirting was much easier when it happened on my phone screen.

In person, I tripped over my words or started jokes with the punchline.

I also went beet-red at even the slightest innuendo.

Especially since I hadn’t counted on going back home with him. It was supposed to be just dinner to get to know each other offline. Now that I’m sitting on his bed, I’m overwhelmed, like I was teleported into Colin’s apartment, although I took every step here myself.

Colin seems to feel nothing but eager anticipation. He wags his brows at me, impervious to the aura of uncertainty I’m exuding like a thick fog.

“I could have made my signature cocktail too”—he grins suggestively—“but I’m sure you want to be sober for our time together.”

My answering laugh is shaky, and I quickly drown it in a sip of water.

Colin doesn’t sit down, only slides one knee onto the mattress next to me.

After another sip, I put my glass down on the windowsill behind me. I barely manage to turn back around before Colin kneels over me.

His arms frame my head, propped up on either side of his headboard. Seconds later, his nose touches mine.

I blink, but he blurs before my eyes until he’s merely a heavy shape that presses me down.

Our lips touch.

I blink some more. The pressure of Colin’s mouth on mine isn’t bad. But it’s just that: pressure. Soft, kind of wet. It feels…weird.

Shouldn't there be some kind of instinct kicking in? Some kind of…urge that turns off my brain and makes all this easy? Makes my hands move and allows me to open my mouth for him without worrying about tasting the seafood pasta he had at the restaurant?

The prospect is bad enough that I clamp my lips together.

By the time I manage to move one hand to his thigh, Colin is already pushing my shirt up over my navel.

“Oh yes.” His lips trail along my jawline until he’s whispering right next to my ear. One of his hands disappears from my chest to grab mine and pulls it to his groin. The denim is rough against my fingertips as they feel along his hard—

“Look what you’re doing to me,” he rasps, then traces my ear with his tongue. His breath slides over the wet trail he leaves behind on my skin.

Goosebumps erupt on my arms. My entire body shudders. I pull my hand away, hurriedly rubbing over my ear to make the tingling disappear.

When I look up, Colin is holding up both hands, his brows raised high. “Wow, okay, sensitive?”

“I…I’m sorry.” I breathe in shakily. Half wishing he’d just lean back down and half hoping a hole would open up and swallow me.

I have no idea if I liked that.

“Want me to do that again?” Colin lowers his voice to a purr, very obviously trying to get the mood back.

But all it does is make me shiver again. I need to be honest if I want to work things out. And I do!

Come fall, I’ll start my junior year, and I haven’t done anything I set out to do.

Being absent for most of my sophomore year messed up any extracurricular plans I had made for college.

It took me longer than my peers to realize that hanging on to vague crushes or imagining scenarios won't get me anywhere.

I actually have to do something if I want to create the experiences I keep reading and hearing about.

And Colin is nice. He was easy to talk to online, and he never pushed me when something uncomfortable came up. Also, he hasn't sent me a single dick pic.

There's no way around this discomfort, though.

Colin’s still looking at me, though his brows have dropped into a frown and his hands to my thighs.

“It’s just that I—I’ve never…”

“Never gone home with someone on the first date?” Colin shrugs, plucking on the waistline of my shirt to sneak his fingers back underneath.

“Don’t worry, I won’t think badly of you; you don’t need to play hard to get.

Not even if you sleep with someone on the first date.

” He throws me a wink that is probably supposed to be seductive, but I’m too wrapped up in my head for it to work.

“No, it-it’s not that,” I hedge. “I mean that too! But there’s a lot that I haven’t…” I trail off, feeling like I’m strapped to an examination table.

Colin looks down at me like a spotlight, illuminating everything I’ve kept hidden. He frowns, then his eyes widen.

“Oh. Oh shit!” Colin stands up, raising his hand to run it through his hair. “Fuck, I thought this was your thing!”

“My…my thing?” I repeat, dumbstruck.

“Yeah, like…playing coy?” He shakes his head. “I didn’t think by barely any experience you meant that you're a virgin.”

Heat shoots into my face while my stomach falls back down all the stairs we climbed a few minutes ago. He pronounces it like a mark of shame, a brand being pressed into the skin of my cheeks.

“I-I’m sorry! It’s not something I like to talk ab—”

“Yeah, I get it.” Colin interrupts my stammering.

I clamp my teeth shut. My heart is hammering wildly against my ribs, undoubtedly trying to escape the hole that opened up in my stomach.

“How much of a virgin?”

“…what?”

“Like, have you done oral? Been fingered at least?”

My eyes widen, and I quickly shake my head, unable to explain my level of inexperience. It’s only ever been me and whatever fantasy was swirling around in my head.

“So you’re like a virgin virgin? Fuuuck.”

Silence spreads between us, stretching endlessly. I curl my fingers into my palm until my nails dig into my skin.

Finally, Colin lets out a breath and slumps down on the bed, jostling me.

“But like…if you haven’t even had sex with a man, how can you really know you’re gay?”

I turn my head, blinking multiple times, like forcing Colin into focus could align his words.

“You think I’m…unsure? About my sexuality?”

“That’s not what I said!” Colin snaps. We both cringe, ducking our heads. His voice is quieter when he continues. “My ex…I just don’t want you to change your mind.”

“I-I wouldn’t. I’ve never even been attracted to a woman, I’d never—”

“You can’t know that!”

I keep staring at him, unable to understand how being a virgin makes me less gay than him. I open and close my mouth several times, but can’t find any words to say. I push myself up from the bed.

“Just forget it.”

“Hey, wait a second! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… I’ve had some bad experiences with virgins before.” Colin catches my hand. I want to pull it free, but he squeezes, and I relent. After a deep breath, I sit down again, though I stay on the edge of the mattress.

“Bad experiences with virgins?” I echo skeptically.

Colin nods, his hand still holding onto mine, his thumb gently caressing my knuckles. The soft contact does soothe my nerves a little bit.

“My ex—the one I told you about, Travis—had basically no experience when we started dating during freshman year. Never been with anyone before, never even kissed anyone before. And then, six weeks after we moved in together, I find him fucking our neighbor’s daughter on the couch.”

I wince at his words, instinctively squeezing his hand back. “Shit, that must’ve been a shock.”

He snorts, his head lolling back against the headboard. “You could say that. Especially since he always claimed he was gay. Not bi, not pan, just gay.”

Something about Colin’s words doesn’t sit right with me. His ex sounds like a real douchebag for cheating on him, but it strikes me more as a character flaw than a problem with his sexuality. Or his experience. Still, I keep my mouth shut since I’m not an expert on either of those topics.

For a moment, neither of us speaks, then Colin clears his throat. “You know what? I really don’t want you to leave. This wasn’t my worst first date.”

“Not?” I manage, and we both let out laughs that are ninety percent nervousness. It helps chase some of the bitterness from my thoughts. At least I didn’t fail on all fronts.

“No, Linden, I really like you.” Colin cups my cheek and turns my head toward him. “You’re funny, you’re smart, and great to talk to.”

Despite managing a weak smile, I escape the kiss he wants to initiate. I clear my throat so I can answer.

“I like you too,” I tell him. At least I think I do.

After all, I don’t have much material to compare this to, but bringing that up would only make things worse right now.

“But…where does this leave us if you don't want to…” I can’t exactly stop being a virgin by myself. I doubt a toy would count in this case.

Colin gnaws on his lower lip for a moment, his eyes trailing off into the distance. When he opens his mouth again, he also holds up one hand as if to stop a protest he already knows is coming.

“I have a suggestion, and I would like you to hear me out before you say no,” he says, which isn’t a promising start. Still, I nod.

“I’m leaving in a week for my travels. I’ll be gone for three months.”

I nod again. This isn’t news to me. Over dinner, Colin talked in great detail about his upcoming trip across Europe.

We even chatted about it before, when it wasn’t yet a definitive plan.

However, I don’t get how that connects to our situation right now.

If he likes me, then why would he immediately announce that he’s leaving?

My apparent confusion makes Colin chuckle. He rests his hand on my leg.

I can’t help but notice that it’s lying much lower than earlier. Almost on my knee rather than my thigh. The touch is lighter too, like I’m fragile all of a sudden.

“What I mean is: that would give you time to…gather some experience? If you also want to see where we could go,” he adds the last bit quickly, counting on being interrupted.

“I…what?” I ask, dazed.

“I know this isn’t like…a usual thing to suggest, but consider it like a freebie! To do things you always wanted to do.”

“So…so you won’t be…mad? If I…”

“Well…a little, but I’ll be in Europe. I might be going on my own discovery tour.”

“Ah.” I’m not sure if the acid rising in my throat is anxiety or jealousy.

“It’ll be like an open relationship,” Colin continues.

It’s starting to sound like he’s trying to convince not just me, but himself as well.

“And in three months, we’ll both be ready to make a serious commitment to each other.

” He nods with a smile. “If you’re willing to put in the effort, this will work out. ”

Three months to gain enough experience that Colin will want to have an actual relationship with me. I realize that my shoulders are around my ears and slowly push them down.

“I…” Shaking my head, I break off. What do I have to lose? Colin’s the first guy who agreed to go out with me in years. And considering I nearly freaked out just because he licked my ear, it’s not that unreasonable of him to want to make sure I’m attracted to him.

With a hum, I get up from the bed, unable to bear another moment of feeling Colin’s hand lying limply on my leg.

“I guess I have no time to lose.” I try to joke, but my words tremble in the air like the last leaves on a branch just before a winter wind rips them away.

I want to go home, crawl into bed, and pull my blanket over my head.

“Text me when you’re home,” Colin says, following me out of his room to the door.

I pull my shoes on without undoing the laces, then stand there awkwardly as I try to figure out what else to say. I can feel Colin hovering nearby, which is the only reason I don’t run out the second both my feet are back on the ground.

Instead, I fumble with the straps of my backpack, then the zipper.

“Right. I’ll text you about my…progress?” I instantly cringe. My head is filled with static, barely registering that this means being intimate with someone else. Someone I don’t even know yet. It feels like cheating, and I haven’t even done anything.

Colin laughs. “Oh yes! Just remember to keep the real thing for me.”

The urge to throw myself down the stairs is overwhelming. Instead of doing that, I stop.

“The…the real thing?”

“Duh? I want you to gather some experience, but once you’re sure this isn’t just a phase” —he steps up to me and leans forward, his lips touching the shell of my ear as he speaks— “I want to have the rest all to myself.”

A shudder chases down my back at his possessive undertone.

I swallow the reminder that this was his idea, but it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Uhm…yeah. Yeah, of course. Have fun traveling!” I quickly step back to reestablish some distance between us, then turn around and hurry down the stairs, chased by the echo of Colin’s voice: “See you in fall!”

The deadline burns itself into my memory.