Chapter 04 #3
“But also not appalled!” I throw in. It feels important to say.
I’m not making a sacrifice for Whitaker by offering myself up as his sexual guinea pig.
I like sex. But picturing his soft teddy bear features and big grin doesn’t do much for me.
Most I want is to put an arm around him and ruffle his hair—same as I feel about Seb.
Olli, however, waves me off as he continues. “You’re not interested, but you see the advantage for yourself, and now you have some kind of moral panic over it.”
I cringe at his dry conclusion. That’s certainly one way to phrase it.
“Well. It feels kinda dishonest to say yes,” I admit.
“It is dishonest,” Nicko, who finally managed to fight Olli off, agrees.
“Again, after what you pulled last year, you don’t get a say in any kind of moral dilemma for at least another decade,” Sasha scolds, pointing a finger at Nicko, which makes him shrink back into his lawn chair with his hands raised in surrender.
“Yeah, yeah, okay, got it. I’ll just look pretty and listen.”
“Why does it feel dishonest?” Linden’s question startles me. He’s been so quiet through all of this; I forgot he was there.
“Uhm. Well, I think he might assume I have more experience with guys than I actually do. Because of Seb, I mean. We…probably took that a tiny bit too far.” My ears heat up as I flash him a sheepish grin, my hands busy kneading the cap.
“You think?” Olli deadpans.
“Mia said he wanted to try it with me, specifically. But apparently he also said that I’m pretty, sooo maybe it’s just that,” I add that last part jokingly, winking at them when they all groan, then duck as Nicko throws his crumpled-up tissue at me.
“Everyone thinks you’re pretty, big guy.” Sasha reaches out to pat my knee like a loving mother, and I stick out my tongue at her. But Mike asking about me probably also means he feels safe around me, which gives me a sense of pride.
It’s not easy to be queer and pursue a career as a pro athlete.
I’ve watched it from the sidelines for three years.
Seb’s secret dates, all the faceless pictures exchanged online, the sneaking around, driving a hundred miles for a hook-up that leaves him wrecked for days.
The doubt, the fear, the shame. Overthinking every glance, every word, every touch.
I’m seeing it happen to Nicko and his boyfriend, too, now—the way they’re all over each other behind closed doors, then jump apart as soon as they leave the house.
“Ugh, I hate to agree with Nicko, but I think this is a bad idea.” Olli sighs. “I mean, what if he does something you don’t like? Would you really call things off, or would you grit your teeth and end up accidentally traumatizing both of you in the process?”
“Uhm, not sure how to say this, but it’s kinda hard to force me into something I don’t like,” I point out, gesturing at my frame, which prompts another groan from my roommates.
“Stop bragging, Micah, and take this seriously! Not being appalled by the idea of sex with someone isn’t the same as wanting it.
And I don’t think meeting some big football dude is worth whoring yourself out.
You’re good at catching balls and running people over, aren’t you?
So you shouldn’t need that. And if you do, isn’t Davenport like NFL royalty or something?
I bet he could introduce you to a lot of important people if you asked for his help. ”
My shoulders tense more with every word coming out of Olli’s mouth.
I know this is exactly what Seb would tell me if I had asked him for advice—which is why I didn’t do it.
He’s introduced me to his brothers and father before, but I don’t want to rely on my best friend to get a career boost. God knows he already has enough people on this campus trying to bask in his family’s legacy and his social media popularity.
Also, Davenport Senior isn’t actively involved in football anymore—unlike Mike’s father, who gets to fill out a wishlist of potential draftees every year.
“Talent isn’t enough anymore, Olli. It’s pretty damn hard to make it without connections these days.
And I also agree with Mia: college is for experimenting.
I think it can’t hurt to try it out. Just tell him that you don’t have any experience yourself, and see where it goes.
Worst case, you’ll have a funny story to tell. ”
I hum, genuinely surprised. I’d expected Sasha to lecture me about why even considering this is a bad idea. She has a point, though; I should make sure Mike knows I have zero experience with guys.
But what if that makes him turn away? If he only asked for me because he assumed I had some experience with other guys—or at least with threesomes—he might change his mind when I tell him.
No, I realize quietly, I can’t do that. Like Sasha just said: talent isn’t enough anymore, not at our level.
I need this chance. But instead of saying any of this out loud, I smile at my roommates and put the cap back on my head.
“Thanks, guys, that really helped.”