CHAPTER FOURTEEN ~ GRAEME ~ NOW #2
“I can’t understand why you don’t hate me, Graeme,” she says.
“Part of me hates myself. I could have had all the things I’ve observed with Drew and Brodie, all the things I want so badly.
The unconditional love, the affection, the passion, those silent conversations they have when other people are around.
You and I had all of that, and I let it slip through my fingers. Twice.”
She peers up at me with a myriad of emotions swimming in her eyes.
I’m unsure what kind of answer she wants from me or if she even truly knows.
Does she want me to backtrack and tell her I do, in fact, hate her?
That she deserves to live with regret after breaking both of our hearts? Or does she want reassurance?
Before I can respond, she slips out from under my hands and crosses the room to retake her seat. As I pivot slowly to face her, she pins me with her eyes. “Tell me about your ex-girlfriend.”
This conversation is making me feel as if I’m on a roller coaster.
The tears in her eyes and the wobble in her voice felt like the slow, painful climb toward the peak.
This sudden change in topic feels like the plummet that follows, leaving your brain feeling slightly scrambled and your stomach in free-fall.
I return to my seat, picking up my glass of whisky and taking a sip.
“After Brodie and Drew’s wedding, I went back to Skye and dove into work, leaving little room for anything else.
I didn’t make much time for the few friends I had on the island, and dating was something I had no interest in.
One night, a few of my mates dragged me to the pub, and that’s where I met Gina.
She’d been through a bad breakup about six months before, and I was still reeling from... us.”
I pause, studying Abby’s face. Her brow is furrowed, and she’s squinting slightly, as if she’s in pain. I don’t want to diminish what Gina and I had, but I also don’t want to hurt Abby by talking about her, even though she was the one who asked. She makes a ‘go on’ motion with her hand, so I do.
“We were attracted to each other, but neither of us was looking for a relationship. She said if I was open to it, we could be each other’s rebound.
A palette cleanser of sorts, to get us back into dating and help us prepare for our next relationship.
We saw each other sporadically at first, and then more regularly.
Over the months, attraction turned into affection, and then love. ”
Abby nods slowly. “I’m glad you had that. Glad you found someone.” She tilts her glass back and forth, examining the remaining mouthful of amber liquid. “Why did you break up?”
There’s that roller coaster feeling again.
My stomach is in knots as we make the climb toward the precipice, not knowing what the drop on the other side is like.
The truth is, Gina and I loved each other to the best of each of our abilities.
Ultimately, neither of us could fully give our heart to the other; she had an ex-fiancé she never got over, and as wonderful as she was, she wasn’t Abby.
I tried my damndest to make it work, to love her the way she deserved, but we truly were a rebound relationship.
We were a temporary safe place for each other to land after losing The One.
“She was offered a job in Inverness around the same time as my parents asked if I’d come back to Edinburgh to help with the business here,” I tell her. “We’d been growing apart for a while, so it was an easy way out. We parted on good terms.”
“That’s good.” Her absent gaze is trained on the closest window, even though it’s too dark to see anything beyond from here. “I bet your parents love having you back.”
“Aye, they do. It’s given Mum an excuse to cook Sunday roast every week again, and I’m sure you can imagine how happy that makes both her and Dad.
We all go out for dinner once a week or so too, and Mum regularly stocks my fridge with leftovers.
I’ve reminded her I can cook, but honestly, I’ve been so busy with work, it’s nice to have things I can just pop in the microwave most nights. ”
My thoughts drift to the possibility of Brodie and Drew living here.
The other two flats in the building are currently occupied, but the tenants in the flat above Mum and Dad’s are leaving at the end of April.
When Mum oh-so-casually informed Drew of that fact, she called the timing ‘serendipitous’, and that was when she and Brodie started seriously considering making the move.
My parents are positively gleeful at the idea of having all of us living in MacKinlay Tower.
I can imagine how they’d dote on Brodie and Drew, especially if they do grow their family.
“So you’re happy being back in Edinburgh?” Abby asks.
“I am. I love Skye, and I’m glad I can visit whenever I like, but Edinburgh has my heart. I’m building a life I love and I’m content with. The only thing missing is you.”
Her empty glass slips from her hands and falls to the floor.
We both sit frozen, staring at it as it spins for a few seconds before coming to a stop.
Abby makes no move to pick it up, so I rise from my chair and kneel on the floor in front of her.
The glass didn’t have far to fall, and it’s sturdy, so it’s still intact.
I set it on the table, but remain kneeling in front of her.
“When the others told me you were coming, my first thought was, ‘this is my last chance’. It was quickly followed by, ‘you’re a damn fool, Graeme MacKinlay’.”
She’s still frozen in place. Her expression is blank, but her wide eyes dart back and forth between mine.
“I still love you, Abby. I never stopped. You talk about how Drew deserves the best, how worthy she is of love and good things, but you don’t seem to realize you’re just as worthy.
You deserve all the same things, and you can have them if you let yourself.
I always hoped you’d figure that out and we’d have one last chance to make things work.
I did my best over the years to show you I wasn’t like the people who hurt and abandoned you.
That I wanted you, loved you. But it was never enough. ”
Her blank-faced mask of shock slips, replaced by a look of utter devastation. Colour floods her cheeks, and she blinks rapidly as tears fill her eyes. “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am that you feel that way. It’s not that it wasn’t enough, it’s just...it was...I was...”
“It’s all right,” I say when she continues to stammer, her face twisting as she attempts to hold back tears.
“I understand. I’ve always understood, even when my heart and mind went to war over it and tried to make it mean something different.
And now I want you to understand it’s not too late for us.
The difference this time is that I won’t ask you to stay.
If you decide you’re ready to finally be with me, I want it to be your decision.
I don’t want to say it’s now or never, but...
well, it’s now or never. We either make things work this time or we agree to be friends and nothing more going forward. ”
She opens and closes her mouth a couple of times, but no words come.
Her gaze sweeps over me—on my knees in front of her, baring my soul, and giving her the capacity to pulverize my heart once more or to set it free from the cage it’s lived in all these years.
It goes against my nature to give her all the power, but this woman owns my heart. I expect she always will.
Does that make me the damned fool I claimed to be earlier? Aye, likely. But if it leads to the life I’ve always dreamed of with Abby, it’ll be worth it. And if it doesn’t...well, I’ll know I tried, and as painful and difficult as it’ll be, I’ll figure out a way to finally move on.
“I don’t know what to say,” she whispers.
I tighten my grip on her hand. “Then don’t say anything. This isn’t a decision you need to make right now. Think about it, spend more time with me alone like this, make a pros and cons list if you need to.”
If the glimmer in her eyes is any indication, I’ve broken through her shock. “I don’t deserve you, Graeme.”
“But you do, Pumpkin Spice. That’s the whole point.”
When her only response is a weary sigh, I lift her hand and press my lips to her knuckles.
I want to kiss her from head to toe, lingering on those soft, pouty lips—and a few other choice places—but now isn’t the time.
With her hand still in mine, I get to my feet, eliciting the tiniest smile from her as I groan when my knees crack.
She allows me to pull her up, and we stand face to face, eyeing each other.
Her fingers twist around mine, gripping tightly.
“Good night, Graeme.” With her free hand on my shoulder, she lifts up to peck my cheek, and then she spins around and hurries from the room, essentially taking my heart and the question of our future with her.