CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE ~ ABBY ~ NOW #2
All of my reasons seem so stupid when faced with the hurt on Drew’s face.
“When Graeme and I met, and I realized I could easily develop feelings for him, I forced myself to put a lid on it and bury it deep. Then when we admitted our feelings for each other and he convinced me to stay in Scotland, it felt like something that was just for us. We were in our own little world for those two weeks. I can only speak for myself, but I underestimated the depths of my feelings. I convinced myself I needed to go back to Canada and carry on with my carefully-laid-out plans. I also convinced myself that if you knew about Graeme and me, you’d try to persuade me to move here and be with him. ”
“Would that have been so bad?” she asks.
“At the time, it seemed like it, yeah,” I say.
“You have first-hand knowledge of what it’s like to want to control things after a childhood that felt completely out of control.
In my mind, I’d constructed the perfect plan: finish university, get a good job, find a place to live, and create the stability that was fleeting up until that point.
I needed to see it through. Scotland was meant to be a short, fun trip with my closest friends before we went out into the real world.
I never could have anticipated it would include a twist of fate that changed my life forever. ”
With a thoughtful nod, Drew picks her cutlery up and returns to her breakfast. I do the same, even though my whole body still feels like a live wire.
I’m adding extra raspberry jam to my toast when Drew makes a sound that has me jerking my head up to see her hunched over her plate.
For one horrible second, I think she’s choking. Then she bursts out laughing.
Relief rushes through me, even though I have no clue what could possibly be so funny.
My friendship with Drew has always been the easiest thing in the world.
Sure, we’ve had disagreements, but we’ve never had any huge fights or come to those moments that feel like we’re on the brink of holding on or letting go.
Hearing her laugh now fills me with certainty that everything is going to be okay. That we’re going to be okay.
“Oh god, I’m a hypocrite.” She lets out a long sigh and wipes the tears of mirth that have collected under her eyes. “I’ve been keeping a secret of my own: Brodie and I are planning to move to Scotland.”
And just like that, my stomach sinks again. “Wait, what?”
“We’ve talked about it since before we got married, but it never felt like the right time.
We moved back to Kingston when he got that job, and we found our dream house and settled in.
We decided to put Scotland on the back burner as a ‘someday’ dream, but it kept coming up, especially when we started talking about having a baby. ”
Drew has only ever casually talked about having children. Unlike me, it was something she was open to, but it was in the same ‘someday’ context she just mentioned.
“I’ve felt so guilty about not talking to you about any of this,” she says. “But hearing you talk about Graeme and this huge thing you experienced together, I started to understand. It had nothing to do with me. You had this thing that felt sacred in a way, and you wanted it just for yourself.”
“And that’s how you feel now?” I ask.
She tilts her head back and forth. “Yes and no. Obviously, it’s not something I could hide forever, and I wouldn’t want to, but I found it impossible to talk about with anyone but Brodie.
The genuine desire to have kids came out of the blue for me, and it scared the shit out of me.
All my childhood trauma reared its head, and I got hung up on that for a while. ”
“What changed?” I ask.
“Brodie, of course.” The smile she gets when she says his name makes my heart squeeze.
“He said all the right things, as always. He pointed out I have a huge capacity for love, and I’m not what happened to me in my childhood.
He reminded me I wouldn’t be doing it alone because he’d be with me every step of the way, and so would all of our people.
That’s when we really started talking about moving here.
He said he was ready at any time, but he knew I wasn’t. ”
“Why not?”
She gives me a strange little half smile. “At the beginning of the year, Brodie came to me, looking all solemn, and said it was time we had a serious talk.”
“Whoa. Did you shit your pants?”
She barks out a laugh. “Hearing that from the most affable man on the planet? Yeah. We’ve obviously had serious discussions over the years, but this felt different.
He told me I probably wouldn’t like what he was going to say, but he had to say it.
” She pauses, the skin around her eyes crinkling as if she’s in pain.
“He prefaced by saying he loved you and you’re our family as much as the MacKinlays are, but we couldn’t stay in Canada because of you. ”
I rear back as if she slapped me. “Because of me? Why would I even be a factor?”
She’s squinting so much now her eyes are nearly closed.
“He said he knew you were at the heart of it all, buried underneath my reasons and excuses for why we couldn’t move yet.
That if we left, you’d be losing the only family you had.
He pointed out we were only seeing you once a month, if that, and you had Rodger and a life with him in Toronto.
He said we spend half our days texting and video chatting and sending voice notes, and we could continue to do all of that with an ocean between us. ”
As my brain chugs along, attempting to process all of this, I suddenly understand Drew’s silence earlier.
She covers my hand where it rests on the table. “Do you remember before we came here, I told you sometimes everything has to fall apart in order for the life that’s meant for you to fall together?”
“Yeah...”
“It wasn’t long after that conversation with Brodie that things started to unravel for you. When you came to live with us, it felt like the beginning of things falling into place.”
A small huff of a laugh passes my lips. “How so? And didn’t you tell me just a few days ago that you wanted me to keep living with you, and it was Brodie’s idea?”
She nods animatedly, her eyes brightening.
“We do, and it was. I never said anything about living in Kingston, though.” At my perplexed look, she continues.
“When you came to stay with us, Brodie ramped up the talks about moving to Scotland. He pointed out with everything being at loose ends for you, it would be the perfect time for all of us to move here. You’d never specifically talked about wanting to live here, but we knew Scotland owned a piece of your heart.
We concocted a plan to get you back here, and hoped being surrounded by all the people you love in a place you love would make you receptive to the idea. ”
“I’m not sure whether that’s devious or brilliant,” I murmur. Then we say, “Both,” at the same time, and dissolve into giggles.
“Did Graeme know about this devious, brilliant plan of yours?” I ask.
“Only that Brodie and I were thinking of moving here,” she says. “We swore all of the MacKinlays to secrecy until we knew for sure if we were ready to make the move. We didn’t want you to think of this as some sort of goodbye tour if you knew this trip was as much for us as it was for you.”
“And are you sure now?” I ask. “Or are you still thinking about it?”
“We’ve decided we’re ready,” she says, practically vibrating with suppressed excitement.
“The renters in the flat above Mum and Dad’s are leaving at the end of the month.
They purposely didn’t find new tenants because they hoped we’d decide to live there.
After all these years and all our visits, I didn’t know if this would be the time when things clicked, but I felt it as soon as we arrived.
We’re home. This is where we belong, Abs. Where we all belong.”
All the air rushes out of my lungs. Her words settle over me like a warm, familiar blanket.
“And in case you’re thinking we made this huge, life-changing decision and kept it from you, Brodie and I literally just decided. We stayed up half the night talking about it, and that’s why I wanted to see you this morning.”
“Looks like this was meant to be a day full of surprises for both of us,” I say, and we both laugh again. “So what’s next?”
“Well, when we return to Kingston next week, we’re going to get the house ready to sell.
Brodie needs to give ample notice at work, and I want to finish out the school year with my kids.
I already feel bad about leaving for two weeks so close to the end of the year, and I don’t want to just abandon them entirely.
And then...whether the house sells immediately or not, we’re planning to move here at the beginning of July. ”
“July,” I whisper. “Wow. You really are serious.”
“I’m also serious about you moving with us.” Her fingers tighten around mine. I’d nearly forgotten she was still holding my hand, just like both of us seem to have forgotten about the rest of our breakfast. “Have you and Graeme talked about what happens next in your relationship?”
“No, we didn’t get that far.” I don’t add that we were too busy catching up in other ways, and the logistics seemed like something that could wait.
“Okay. I know your head is likely spinning, but I’m going to make it spin some more.
” She sits back in her chair and pins me with a look.
“You can obviously come back to Kingston if that’s what you want.
You can stay with us until the house sells, you can keep looking for a job and a place to live, or you can come with us when we move here.
But...I think you should stay in Scotland. ”
“Stay,” I echo flatly.