Chapter 40
CHAPTER FORTY
NOAH
Noah sat in the dark, ignoring the insistent pounding on his cabin door. He supposed his grace period of solitude had expired. Still, he didn’t feel like acknowledging whoever it was.
After watching Teagan be driven away, he’d gone to his cabin and stayed there.
“Open this door, or I will.”
Noah sighed and pulled himself to standing. Alex didn’t make idle threats, and it was too damn cold to go without a door.
“What?” Noah said roughly, opening the door a few inches.
Alex ignored the hint and pushed his way in.
“No, please, come in,” Noah muttered.
“Think I will, thanks.” Alex turned on a light, then grabbed a beer from the fridge and parked himself on the sofa.
Clearly, Alex had no intention of checking in and moving on. Resolving himself to that, Noah tossed a couple of logs on the dwindling fire, grabbed a beer for himself, and sat down in the adjacent armchair.
Seconds ticked by in silence until Alex asked quietly, “You okay?”
“No,” Noah answered honestly.
“She did what she had to do.”
He knew.
Teagan had told him about Donal’s invitation when she returned from their meeting. It wasn’t until the next morning that she decided to go. Until then, he’d held out hope that she’d stay.
Not that he’d given her any encouragement to stick around.
“Doesn’t make it any easier.”
“You really care for her.” A statement, not a question.
“Yeah.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“No.”
“Why not? Maybe she wouldn’t have left.”
Noah got up and paced in front of the fire. That was exactly why he hadn’t said anything. Teagan had to make her own choice. She had to do what was right for her without any influence from him or anyone else.
But it wasn’t the only reason. If, by some miracle, she cared for him, she deserved someone who had his shit together. She’d had enough broken men in her life. She didn’t need another.
Alex inclined his head and pinned him with an assessing gaze. “There’s more to it than that, isn’t there? You don’t think you’re good enough for some reason.”
“I’m not.”
Noah was tired of fronting. Tired of shoving everything into a locked box and pretending it didn’t exist. He wasn’t okay.
Hadn’t been for a long time. Focusing on medical school, then work, and most recently, Teagan, had allowed him to avoid dealing with his own issues.
Now that she was gone, it was time to face the truth.
There was no judgment in Alex’s eyes when he said, “Talk to me.”
So, he did. It took a moment to find the words. Noah hadn’t spoken of that day in years, but time hadn’t made it any easier.
“I was stationed at a forward operating base in the Sangin district.”
Alex nodded. As a special ops guy, he was familiar with the area. Afghanistan’s Helmand Province was known for its intense fighting.
“IEDs were common, and we’d seen our share. We got hit during a routine patrol, and it was bad. Nearly everyone suffered some kind of damage. I did what any seasoned medic would do—I triaged.
“Our radio operator insisted his injuries were minor. I gave him a quick once-over, then left him to work on the more critically wounded.”
Noah paused, summoning the strength to continue. “Hours later, we were back at the base and he collapsed. Internal bleeding, caused by a ruptured spleen. By the time I figured it out, he was gone. I was already in a bad place. Losing him pushed me over the edge.”
“You blame yourself.”
“Fuck yes, I blame myself. He was a kid, Alex. Had his whole life ahead of him. And he died because I’d fucked up. Because I took his word instead of trusting my own instincts.”
Alex stared at him intently. “You think you’re the only one who sees their faces at night? The only one who wonders if you made the right call? Don’t kid yourself. We all carry ghosts. The difference is whether you let them bury you.”
The edge in Alex’s voice gave him pause. They’d always been two sides of the same coin. Shadow and light. He hadn’t considered that Alex—pragmatic, unflappable Alex—might have similar regrets.
“Let me ask you this: how many would have died that day if you hadn’t done what you did?” Alex continued.
“That’s not the point.”
“That’s exactly the point,” Alex said firmly. “I know you, and I know, without a doubt, you did everything you could to save as many as possible—because that’s who you are.”
Alex’s voice lowered. “You forget, I know what it was like out there. You don’t have the luxury of time.
You have a second, maybe two, to make life-or-death calls.
Someone tells you they’re fine while you’ve got someone else bleeding out from the leg that got blown off, you’ve got no choice but to believe them. ”
Noah raked a hand down his face. He’d been over that day a thousand times, wondering what he could have done differently. If he had missed the telltale signs in the urgency of the moment.
“That’s why you went to medical school as soon as you got out, isn’t it?” Alex said. “You think you missed something.”
Noah didn’t answer. He didn’t have to.
“That explains the orthopedic specialty too,” Alex murmured. “Not many life-or-death calls, are there?”
Again, Noah didn’t feel the need to answer the obvious.
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know,” Noah said honestly. “Head back to Hopewell, I guess. Try to figure things out.”
“Or … you could stick around for a while. You’ve got time before Mona reopens the ranch. And who knows? Maybe some of those answers you’re looking for are in your own backyard.”
“Sanctuary, you mean.”
Alex shrugged. “I spend a lot of time there. They’re good guys.”
“I met a few when I stopped at Happy Trails.”
“That’s what I’m talking about. I’m headed over that way tomorrow. Why don’t you come with me? No pressure. Just check the place out.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I ask.” Alex stood and stretched.
“Leaving so soon?”
“I’ve got some things to do.”
“What things?”
Alex flashed a smile over his shoulder. “Stick around and maybe you’ll find out.”
The door closed behind him, leaving Noah alone with his thoughts once again. He stared into the fire until his vision blurred. He would go to Sanctuary. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after, but soon. And when he did, he’d start building something new—something worth offering.