Chapter 4
Chapter Four
Ava
My whole body is numb, and it’s not because of the cold weather.
Staring at his closed casket as it hovers over the hole that will become his eternal resting place, the one thing that bothers me the most is that I never got to see him.
His body—I cringe when I even think of it—wasn’t ‘fit for viewing’ as the two uniformed officers, aka military widow babysitters, told me last week.
Over the past weeks I’ve come to despise those two men, the casualty assistance officers who first told me of Trevor’s death, and then later, revealed the details.
They never tell you right away how your loved one died. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because it happened so far away and they don’t actually know. Or maybe it’s because they have to figure out what they’re allowed to say. It is the military after all. And he did lose his life in a combat zone.
Tears roll down my face as the still-fresh memory of being told how my love, my soulmate, died races through my mind.
He was over there for years, giving a large chunk of his life to the military.
And then, just when he was on the precipice of coming home—to me, our life, our future—it all gets ripped away from him.
From us.
What’s worse is knowing that his last moments on this earth were probably spent in sheer terror.
From what I’ve been told, Trevor and his team were sent in to help two injured soldiers when they were all captured by insurgents.
Was he hurt? Tortured? The not knowing is killing me.
The only solace is they were found less than eight hours after they’d left base, meaning if they had been hurt, it wasn’t for long.
They escaped, found a vehicle and raced away, only to be exploded to bits by an IED.
I cry out again as what I imagine happened to him plays out like a movie in my head.
I hope it was quick and he didn’t know what was happening.
I pray he didn’t have time to think of me and this life we wouldn’t have.
The kids we’d never bring into the world.
The brilliant surgeon he’d never become.
Two arms wrap around me from either side.
One belongs to Maddie, the other to Regan.
Chuck, Trevor’s dad, leans across Maddie and gives my knee a gentle squeeze.
He and Dawn, Trev’s mom, flew up from their winter home in Arizona the day we got the news and have been here ever since.
Helping me, grieving with me, maybe even feeling dead inside like me.
Now that their only son is gone, will they even have a reason to come back to Cal Creek anymore?
Will they sell the house Trevor grew up in and cut their ties with the place that holds so many painful memories?
If so, I fear I may lose the only connection to the man I loved.
And even though they are here by my side, a dreaded pang of loneliness stabs at my heart at the thought of losing the two people who are like parents to me.
Maybe that would be for the best, I think, as Dawn quietly sobs. Seeing them would only be an unbearable reminder of what I’ve lost.
One survivor.
I close my eyes, recalling what the men I hate told me.
One. Out of six men.
I know I’m being selfish to wonder why the one wasn’t my Trevor.
Why it was some lieutenant who wasn’t even married.
He isn’t a doctor who could go on to save thousands of lives over his lifetime.
He doesn’t have children like two of the other soldiers who died.
Why him when so many of the others had so much more to live for?
I barely register the words being said by Reverend Jenkins standing near the head of the casket. I’m so lost in my own thoughts of a future that will never happen. A past that may eventually be forgotten. A present I don’t want to be living in.
I refused most of the typical military funeral things like the bugle call and the gun salute.
Especially the gun salute. I didn’t need to be reminded that my love died in such a barbaric way.
But I capitulated on the presenting of the flag.
However, as the officers fold the flag then approach, I realize I don’t want anything from the two men who delivered me the worst news of my life.
I shake my head and the men end up giving it to Dawn.
It’s done. It’s over. We’re free to go. Go where, I’ve no idea. Because there is nowhere to go without him.
I inhale a shaky breath, blow it out, and stand.
Then… I fall into blackness.
Large arms carry me as I snuggle into them. “Mmmm,” I mumble, loving the feel of Trevor’s hands around me.
A cold breeze whips against my face and I open my eyes. Sun breaks through the clouds as I squint up at the man who is certainly not Trevor, and it all comes rushing back to me as my heart breaks once more.
The same thing has happened every morning for the past few weeks. Before I’m fully awake, I’m gifted moments with Trevor. Glimpses into what could have been. What should have been. But when consciousness takes hold, I shatter all over again, crushed by my new reality.
“You fainted,” Patrick Kelsey says, carrying me.
“Fainted?”
He nods to the gravesite. “Back there. As soon as you stood up. I’m assuming that hasn’t happened before?”
I shake my head. “No. Never.”
We reach his truck, several people trailing behind us. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”
“What? No.” I try to struggle free, but he’s too strong.
Patrick and I have become somewhat closer over the years.
But he’s really one of Maddie’s best friends.
Or at least her best guy friend. They’ve been that way ever since he rescued her daughter from a fire over a decade ago.
He’s a firefighter and paramedic, and in the years since we’ve known him, he’s worked his way up to Captain—the officer in charge of one of the two firehouses in Calloway Creek.
Someone opens the door to the backseat, and he places me inside like I’m a China doll. “Ava, I’m taking you in. I’m the professional here.”
“I fainted at my husband’s funeral. I’m sure that’s not unheard of.”
“While it’s possible you may have experienced vasovagal syncope due to stress, I’m not going to take the chance it’s something more. You could be dehydrated.”
“Then I’ll drink some water,” I argue.
His responding glare tells me I have no choice here.
My eyes close and I try to tune him out.
The medical jargon he’s spouting off reminds me of Trevor.
How he used to fuss over every little ache and pain I had, trying to explain it to me with all his medical expertise.
Thinking of Trevor takes all the fight out of me.
I throw my hands up in frustration, not wanting to hear more. “Fine. I’ll go. Whatever.”
Regan and Maddie ride to the hospital with us. Regan holds my hand the entire way.
“You don’t have to babysit me,” I say when we arrive minutes later and all three accompany me through the emergency room doors.
“We’re not leaving,” Maddie insists.
My steadfast and stubborn besties dutifully flank my sides while Patrick talks to the nurse at the counter.
Calloway Creek is a small town, so it doesn’t take long for me to be called back. Maddie and Regan stand to go with me, but not Patrick.
“This is where I get off,” he says. “I’m sure everything will be okay, but one of you text me later?”
“Of course,” Maddie says as she receives a quick kiss from him before we’re ushered back.
Maddie and Patrick are super close. But her husband Tag has nothing to worry about. Patrick is just as attached to his husband as Maddie is to hers.
“Right in here,” Mindy says, directing me to sit on a bed behind a curtain.
Mindy Clarke is an ER nurse who was a few years behind me in school.
It’s not a stretch to say pretty much everyone knows everyone in Calloway Creek.
If not personally, then through friends, acquaintances, or coworkers.
It seems every person in this town is someone’s father, aunt, cousin, or friend.
Mindy has that same look of pity in her eyes that everyone has when they see me. She tries to hand me a gown. “Put this on please.”
“Do I have to? I just fainted. It’s no big deal.”
“Standard protocol.” She places it on my lap then pulls the curtain on her way out. But not before she gives me one more mournful glance that reminds me just how miserable a situation I’m in.
I change, keeping my bra and panties on, not about to let anyone do invasive procedures for one stupid fainting episode that is totally explainable due to this being one of the worst freaking days of my life.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Maddie says.
I roll my eyes. “I’m sure too. That’s why it’s ridiculous we’re even here.
You guys have worried way too much about me.
I get it. Trevor is dead.” My words become faint and broken.
“I m-may not ever get over it, but I do have to get on with my life. And you guys need to stop hovering and get on with yours.”
I turn to Regan. “Don’t you have a birthday party to set up? Mitchell turns one tomorrow. You should be at home decorating or something, not babysitting me.”
Her brows collide above her nose as if what I said was really stupid. “He’s turning one, Ava. It’s not like he’s going to care if things are perfect. I’ll just have Marti or Allie go over and meet the party planner if we’re not out of here by four.”
I shake my head. “Sometimes I still can’t believe you married a guy whose family has more money than they know what to do with. A party planner for a one-year-old? Geesh.”
I say it in disgust, but she knows I’m kidding.
The curtain is drawn, and Mindy returns with a doctor behind her.
“I’m Dr. Lee,” he says, looking up from the chart.
“Ava Criss?” He frowns. “My condolences. What a terrible tragedy. I had the pleasure of mentoring Trevor for a time when he did a summer elective here. That must have been a decade ago.” He gently touches my shoulder. “I’m truly sorry for your loss.”
I stare out the window as he goes over what tests he wants to run, not wanting to look into the eyes of yet another person who feels sorry for me. I don’t even listen. I just want to go home and get back to work. Work is the only thing getting me through the days.
When the shop closes at three, I clean. The floors have never been more spotless.
If the health inspector came nosing around now, he’d be damned impressed.
And when I’m done cleaning, I go up to my apartment and bake.
I’ve never before offered so many home-baked goods at the shop.
I’ve been baking muffins, cookies, breakfast breads…
I’ve even tried my hand at making coffee cakes and have found I’m not half bad.
“Ava?”
I look up. Mindy is waiting for something.
“I’m going to draw your blood now, okay?”
I stick out my arm. “Just do it. Whatever it takes to get me out of here quickly.”
When the blood draw is done, I’m hooked up to a blood pressure machine and then they run some electro-something-or-other to check my heart.
After what seems like forever, and a lot of wasted time of Maddie and Regan trying to entertain me, Dr. Lee comes back around the curtain.
I can tell from the look on his face that what he has to say is not something I want to hear.
Am I dying?
Oddly, the thought of it doesn’t exactly scare me.
“Dr. Lee, you may have the worst poker face I’ve ever seen. Do I have cancer or something?”
He shakes his head as my hands are squeezed tightly by my friends who now seem very concerned.
“Your blood pressure is ideal. Your ECG shows nothing significant. But something did show up on your blood test.”
I swallow. “What?”
He looks at my friends.
“Whatever you have to say, they can hear it.”
“It’s customary to run certain tests on blood regardless of the reason for your visit, especially for women.” He inhales deeply. “Ava, it seems you’re pregnant.”