Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ava
There’s always been a slight creak to the bedroom door.
I’m not sure why I’ve never fixed it. Maybe because I sleep with the door open and rarely shut it.
But tonight, I did. I think I needed a barrier between us because everything is scrambled up in my head right now.
I don’t know who he is. I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore.
Regan was right. I’m different. And I’m lying to him in more ways than one.
If there’s going to be a chance of us getting back what we had before, I need to come clean. But it’s not that easy. I’m scared. Of how he’ll react. To the baby. To the lies. To my deep desire to have bits and pieces of both versions of him.
I sigh into my pillow, mentally berating myself for being such a horrible person. Because I no longer want only what I lost. Now, I want parts of this new Trevor along with parts of the old.
Could that happen if he gets his memory back? Could he return to the boy I fell for more than twenty years ago while still keeping this new edgy, untamed side to him? The side that both scares and entices me. Infuriates and seduces me. Confuses and excites me.
It’s two in the morning, and I’m fearing yet another sleepless night, when the door creaks.
My body instantly reacts, electricity flowing through me as if I’m connected to the central grid.
This is what I’m talking about. How can I crave him in my bed when I know he’s only coming in for a late-night booty call with the girl who gave it up yesterday with barely a second thought?
Trying to control my breathing, I pretend to be asleep.
His footsteps seem to echo in the room as he pads across the floor. Or maybe that’s just the blood rushing through my ears.
This man—a virtual stranger to me—is spiking my arousal merely by hearing his footsteps.
It’s like the promise of a repeat of yesterday is making all the reasons I should deny him fly right out the window.
Because that strong, scruffy, angular jaw is what I crave.
I want it between my thighs, already wet in anticipation.
It’s a feral need I’ve never experienced before.
And I try hard to quell all these unwelcome feelings I’m having about the man who might as well be my houseguest.
My eyes are open, staring at the opposite wall that casts shadows from a light he left on in the office, when the other side of the bed dips.
It feels wrong. Like he’s not lying next to me, but rather just sitting there.
There’s no more movement, no adjusting to get comfortable, no heat against my back. Just a presence in the space.
He sighs deeply. It’s one of those I’ve got a lot on my mind sighs.
Join the club, pal.
“Ava.”
My name comes out in a whisper, and my heartbeat spikes. Even when he whispers it, my name sounds different when he says it. He puts more emphasis on the first ‘A’ than he used to. And darn it, somehow that makes it sound sexier.
I stay completely still.
“I know you’re awake,” he says a little louder, but still quietly. “I can tell by how you’re breathing.”
I roll over. He’s sitting up, staring at me. I can’t make out the expression on his face because the light is behind him. But I’m sure he can clearly see the expression on mine, so I try to be unreadable.
“What do you want, Trevor?” I ask as if I don’t already know. As if I don’t want him here for the very same reason.
Well, I do… but I don’t.
“Did you leave the letters and the diary in there on purpose?”
Instantly, I’m even more awake than I was a minute ago.
I’d completely forgotten about them. Fear blazes through me when, for a moment, I think he’s found me out.
Did he read the letters to the baby? Does he know the secret I’m keeping?
Wait…no. Those weren’t in that diary. They’re in a new diary I keep in my nightstand.
I sink further into my pillow, the relief knowing that inevitable conversation doesn’t have to happen right now is palpable. “No. Did you read them?”
“I read one of your diary entries and a few of the letters I’d sent you.”
He read more of my diary. He’s read some of his letters. That has to mean something. Is he really ready to try to get back to being us?
He laughs half-heartedly. “I was one whipped puppy, wasn’t I?”
“We were in love, Trevor.”
Were.
It’s not lost on me how I used the word in past tense. And that realization has a new level of sadness weaving through me like a scaly serpent.
He runs a hand down the side of his face then pinches his chin.
“Is it strange that I’m kind of jealous of the guy who was able to say all those things?
” His head shakes slowly. “It’s hard to reconcile the fact that I’m that guy.
Or I was anyway. But I’m glad I read them.
It helps me understand how you are around me. ”
He blows out a long, frustrated breath, then leans back on the pillow and crosses his legs at the ankles, showing no interest in doing anything but talking.
He’s shirtless, wearing only a pair of sweatpants.
It’s hard not to stare at his chiseled abs and the way they contract with every movement of his legs.
I long to scoot closer. Put my hands on his mostly smooth chest. Run my fingertips over the smattering of hair.
Trace the new scars along his left side that make him seem even edgier.
Lay my head on his shoulder while he wraps his arm around me and rubs my back in that way he would do in those moments right before we’d fall asleep. Will those things ever happen again?
“When you told me earlier all the ways I’m different, I didn’t truly get it.
” He turns toward me, slips a hand under the pillow, and stares into my eyes.
“I’m sorry I’m not that guy. He was a much better man than I am.
” His face is still partially in shadows, but I can see enough to make out the pain behind his eyes. “Maybe you deserve better, Ava.”
My pulse pounds with fear. “What are you saying?”
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this. Any of it. Me being here. Us trying to force something we can’t have. I’m obviously not the Trevor you want. And I fear I never can be.”
More guilt sears through me. I thought he was coming in here for sex. But the opposite is true. He’s here to… break up with me?
I have to do something. Because as conflicted as I am, I still don’t want him to leave. I’m not ready to give up yet. I’m not even close.
“I never answered your question,” I blurt out.
He eyes me with confusion.
“You asked if I liked it.”
He lifts a brow. “So… did you?”
“Yes.” I hesitate. “And no.”
He snorts out a stifled laugh. “Can you be a little more specific?”
“Like I told you, it was different.”
“Different good or different bad?”
I sigh rather explosively, vowing not to tell him any more lies.
“That’s the problem, Trevor. I did like it.
The way you touched me. How you spoke to me.
” I swallow. “How I had two orgasms, which hasn’t ever happened.
” I close my eyes. “And I didn’t like it for all those same reasons.
Because it almost felt like I was cheating on my husband. ”
My eyes fly open when his finger skims my jaw, leaving a trail of heat. “Ava, I’m your husband.”
My heart both expands and contracts with the same beat. It’s the first time he’s referred to himself that way. But we both know what he said isn’t entirely true.
“You are and you aren’t.” I trap his hand against my face, kiss his palm, then move it away from me. “What if you get your memory back and are mad at me for liking sex with this new version of you?”
“I wouldn’t be mad.”
I feel tears building. “You don’t know that.”
He grabs my hand and pulls it to him. “Ava, I wouldn’t be mad.
Amused maybe. Listen, I should have told you this earlier when I came back, but obviously we’re both having doubts about what we can and can’t say to each other.
What happened in this bed yesterday wasn’t about what happened with that guy downstairs.
I do have feelings for you. They might not be exactly the feelings you were hoping for.
They’re more like the new and exciting feelings you get at the start of a relationship.
” He swipes hair from my brow. “They’re kind of like the feelings you wrote about in your diary.
How my heart races when you walk into a room.
How I find myself fighting a hard-on every time I hear your voice.
How your laugh has a magnetic pull on me.
Shit like that.” He squeezes my hand. “Remember how you told me that I’m lucky in a way because I get to experience things again for the first time? ”
I huff through my nose. “Yeah, and you bit my head off.”
Guilt flashes across his face. “Just another thing I need to apologize for, I suppose. But you were right, Ava. I am experiencing everything for the first time.” His head shakes in amazement.
“Sex with you was… well, it blew me away. It was incredible. And how many guys get to lose their virginity twice?” He smiles. “With the same girl.”
I smile back. “I’m glad it was with me. I’m not sure I could take it if you’d gone out and slept with someone else.”
“The thought never crossed my mind. Even as frustrated as I’ve been, there’s been this draw. Maybe somewhere deep inside me, I know who you are. Who we were.”
A tear slips down the side of my head. “I like to think so too.”
He wipes my wet temple. “You really are beautiful, Ava.”
I sniff. “You’re not so bad yourself.”
He scrapes a finger across his scruff and smirks. “So you don’t mind this?”
I crack a smile. “I kind of like it.”
It’s another lie. I really like it. I love it.
He scoots closer and stares into my eyes. Fireworks ignite in my belly at the heat between us. And I realize he’s not the only one who gets to experience new things. Because everything with this Trevor is new.