Chapter 30 #2
“You used them,” he repeats slowly, as if trying to absorb the words. “Meaning you did more embryo transfers. I suppose that makes sense. I’m sure a lot of people go into debt trying to have kids.”
He’s still not getting it. Any of it.
“I was hoping to surprise you, Trevor. I knew it was a risk, but it was one I thought was worth taking. You were going to come home and have this amazing job. And six thousand dollars, or even four times that, wouldn’t be a hardship anymore.
And we’d be expecting the baby we’d always wanted, so you wouldn’t be mad at me. ”
“Okay, wow. So what you’re saying is I didn’t know you’d done it.”
I shake my head.
“But, how did you take out the loan? Both our names are on the business.”
“Before you joined the military, you gave me power of attorney.”
He nods over and over, being hesitant and careful with his words. “Well, okay then. I guess I can hardly blame you for things you did before I can even remember what or who I was.”
I blow out a relieved breath. “I’m really glad to hear you say that.”
“Ava, it’s only twenty-four thousand dollars. It’s not that big a deal in the overall scheme of things. Most people have much more debt than—”
“That’s not all.”
He cocks his head in confusion, questioning me with his slanted brows.
“It worked.”
“What do you mean?”
“It worked. The last embryo transfer. It worked. I’m… we’re...” —I look down and put a hand on my stomach—“having a baby.”
Now his hand pulls away. It pulls away as quickly as if mine were on fire.
“We’re what?” He slides out of the booth and stares oddly at my stomach. “No. No, no, no. I’d have felt it.”
“I’m only eleven weeks. I didn’t even find out until the day of your funeral.”
Hands rake through his hair—both of them this time, as if he’s doubly frustrated. “How in the hell could you not tell me about this?”
“I tried. I tried so many times. I didn’t say anything in the hospital because everyone was thinking your memory would return at any second. And then that first day back, under the tree, I was going to tell you then, but you stopped me and said you didn’t want to hear anything else about our life.”
He scoffs loudly. “And you thought that meant I wanted you to withhold crucial information from me? Jesus, Ava. Who does that? I’ve been back for a month. You’ve had plenty of opportunities. We’ve slept together a half dozen times for Christ’s sake. What the hell were you waiting for?”
“I was waiting for the blood tests. They came this morning. The baby is healthy.”
“Fuck.” He stomps across the floor, looking madder than I’ve ever seen him.
I stand. “Trevor, you just said what we did before didn’t matter. You were ready to accept the fact that I didn’t tell you about the loan.”
“Yeah? Well that was before you dropped a nuclear bomb on me. A fucking baby? We don’t even know each other.”
I step toward him and put a hand on his chest. “We do know each other, Trev.”
He backs away. “We’re dating Ava. Jesus Christ, we’re nowhere near ready.”
“We’d been ready for years. We wanted a baby. You wanted a baby.”
“Maybe that other guy wanted one, but… fuck…” He walks around the counter. “I can’t deal with this right now.”
Tears collect in my eyes as I follow him up the stairs to the apartment. I watch him as he looks around, his eyes darting from the coffee table to the end tables, to the kitchen counter. “Where are all the baby books and shit? Have you been hiding those from me as part of your deception?”
“I hadn’t gotten any yet. I was waiting until the first trimester was over.”
He turns, his stare harsh and unforgiving. “Who else knows? Do Chuck and Dawn know?”
I shake my head. “Only Maddie, Regan, and Patrick.”
He belts out a desperate laugh. “Just fucking great. So the guy I’m about to work for knew even before I did. Wow.”
“They were all there. I fainted and they were the ones who took me to the hospital.”
He turns his back on me and heads down the hallway, going from closet to closet until he pulls out a duffle bag. Then he goes into the bedroom and starts stuffing clothes in it.
“What are you doing?”
“I told you, I can’t deal with this now.”
“So you’re running away? Trevor, we wanted this.”
“If we wanted this so badly, why did you have to lie and go behind my back?”
My throat is thick. Both my nose and eyes are leaking. “The old Trevor—”
He hurls a shirt across the room, knocking a picture frame off the dresser. “When are you going to realize I’m not him? It doesn’t matter how many letters or diaries I read, I’m still not that guy. I might never be that guy.”
“I know,” I say, through my tears. “And I’m okay with that.”
He spins. “No. You’re not okay with it. If you were, you wouldn’t have just said the old Trevor. I am the old Trevor. I’m him and I’m me. This is me, Ava. And newsflash, I’ve just learned a hell of a lot more about the old Ava than I ever have. As in she’s a manipulative liar.”
“I’m not.” I sit on the edge of the bed, wiping my tears.
“I made a mistake back then, not asking if you were okay with the loan and the embryo transfers. And I made another one by not telling you about the baby right away. But everything has been so confusing. You died, Trevor. For weeks I thought you were dead. And then, when I got you back, I didn’t really get you back.
We were just starting to connect. You can’t just throw all that away. ”
He stuffs underwear into the duffle then points at me. “You’re the one throwing it all away. I’ve done nothing wrong here.”
Not even zipping up the duffle bag, he hoists it over his shoulder and beelines for the front door.
“Trevor, please don’t do this.”
With his hand on the knob, he doesn’t turn around when he says, “I need a fucking minute, okay? The least you can do after all this is give me that.”
He opens the door and barrels through.
I call after him. “Don’t you want to know if it’s a boy or girl?”
“No,” he says, his harsh word echoing off the walls of the stairwell right before the door slams shut.
I turn and throw myself onto the couch, pulling a pillow under my face so I can cry into it, because I may have just lost him forever.
Then again, that might have happened long ago. The day two men in shiny shoes walked into my shop.