Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
Ava
Trevor wraps his arms around me from behind, careful not to touch the hot stove I’m cooking eggs on.
“Morning, babe,” he mumbles lazily in my ear.
Hearing him call me that makes my heart skip a beat.
Over the past few weeks, he’s transformed from someone who didn’t even know who he was into a man who knows exactly what he wants.
Thankfully, I’m one of those things. Because at almost three months post-accident, I think we’ve both all but given up on his memory returning.
I give the eggs a stir then spin around and lean up to kiss him. “Good morning.”
He swipes my messy hair aside and stares into my eyes. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this.”
“This?”
“Waking up with you. Having breakfast. Doing normal couple shit.”
I don’t even have a reaction to his choice of words. His colorful vocabulary has become one more normal part of who he is.
I look around the large kitchen that’s three times the size of the one in the apartment. “Well, I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to this. I still can’t believe how generous your parents are.”
Slipping out of his arms, I get two plates out of the cabinet and spoon eggs onto them. Trevor gets the toast and the butter, and we sit down to eat.
Both of us have come to love Tuesdays. It’s my one and only day off.
When he was overseas, I’d often end up at the shop anyway, wandering over after any errands I’d needed to run because there just wasn’t anything else to do.
But now, with Trevor home and not working yet, we’ve spent the past few Tuesdays holed up in bed—the first one at the apartment, the second in our new home, and that brings us to today.
“What should we do today?” I grin as if he might have forgotten what today is. “It’s pretty nice out. We could hike the trails. Or we could—”
“You know exactly what we’re going to do today,” he says, scooting closer and putting a hand on my newly burgeoning belly. “So, eat up. I can’t wait to see her live and in person.”
“Oh, that. Right.”
His eyes roll. “Stop it. I know you’re at least as excited about seeing her as I am.”
I can’t help my smile. “You’ve got me there.” I take a bite of toast, studying him. “Are you really that excited?”
He looks lost in thought for a few long moments. “You know what I said a minute ago about not getting used to doing normal stuff?”
I snicker. “Normal shit is what I believe you said.”
He smiles and wipes a crumb off my lips.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think about what’s happened to me.
When I woke up in the hospital in Germany and they told me I was that James guy—no wife, no kids, no real family except a sister I hadn’t seen in a while—I was torn between feeling relieved that there was nobody to remember, and feeling sad that there was no one out there waiting for me. ”
Tears clog my throat. It happens every time I think of him waking up in that place alone, so far away from home, not knowing who he was.
“I’ll be honest with you, Ava. When I found out I had a wife, parents I was close to, friends I did stuff with, not to mention when I found out about the baby…
I felt burdened. On some level, I wanted to be the loner guy without any ties to anyone or anything.
It sure as hell would have made things easier.
I know that’s not what you want to hear, but—”
I squeeze his arm. “But we promised we’d always tell each other how we feel.”
He nods. “I haven’t told you about the man I met when I was at Carter’s cabin.”
“The father of the baby you delivered?”
“No. The guy who owns the hole-in-the-wall grocery store. His name is Butch. I’ve thought about him a lot since I got back.
He’s this old guy who has nobody. No wife.
No kids. Barely any friends based on what he said.
The only thing he had going for him was that crappy little store.
” His head shakes, and then he stares out the front window pensively.
Before he continues, he takes my hand. “I could have been him. If I’d been James and not Trevor, I could be that guy.
“Butch served overseas, a long time ago. Vietnam most likely. I guess it really did a number on him. Said it was why he never got married even though he had a girl. He didn’t want to burden anyone with his messed-up head.”
His eyes close briefly. “Ava, I could have been him. I was serving overseas. And I sure as shit have a messed-up head. But I’m not him.
And that’s pretty much because of you.” He touches my belly.
“And her.” He looks around the house. “And my parents. And basically this town. So while I may have thought of all that as a burden before, I’ve come to see it as a blessing. ”
He wipes the tears streaming down my cheeks and pulls me onto his lap.
“I may not remember you, or any of it. But I know now that I’m damn lucky to have all of it.”
I swallow and kiss him with salty lips.
“I thought it was the baby you delivered that flipped some sort of switch.”
“I did too. And that was part of it for sure. Let’s just say running away to that cabin was a horrible thing to do to you, but somehow, it was also the best thing for us. Because it got my head out of my fucking ass.”
Giggling at my gorgeous, scruffy, semi-dangerous, trash-talking man, I shimmy once on his lap, then slide off. Because we have somewhere very important to go.
Trevor’s eyes are glued to the ultrasound screen as Dr. Russo works the transducer over my lower abdomen.
“Ahh, there we go.” She hits a button on the keyboard and the whoosh whoosh whoosh sound of our baby girl’s heartbeat fills the room.
Trevor squeezes my hand. Hard. “I’d forgotten how fast fetal heartbeats are.”
“It’s perfectly normal,” Dr. Russo says. “Everything I’m seeing tells me Ava is experiencing a textbook pregnancy. See here.” She points to a spot on the screen. “The baby is kicking. Did you feel that?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Give it a few weeks and you’ll be feeling every kick, punch, roll, and hiccup.”
“I’ve waited a decade,” I say past the lump in my throat. “What’s a few more weeks?”
“We’ve waited,” Trevor says.
His words bring a huge smile to my face along with tears to my eyes. I know he can’t remember the struggles, the disappointments, the gut-wrenching tests. But I still love how supportive and all-in he’s being by saying ‘we.’
I still can’t believe it’s happening. I mean, I saw firsthand on the other ultrasounds.
I went through morning sickness. I’ve had all the pregnancy symptoms. And I’m seeing her right now.
But after all the years of trying and failing, it’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that it’s really real.
I’m going to be a mom. I already am a mom.
Because even though I haven’t met her—haven’t even felt her move yet—I love her. Or maybe the idea of her.
Suddenly, an unexpected thought bombards me.
Is this what it’s like for Trevor? He didn’t know me, still doesn’t in many ways, but he gets that we’re connected by a bond.
Sure, that bond may be a piece of paper, a marriage certificate he doesn’t remember signing—something he’s not even as obligated to honor as much as say…
a human growing inside you. But there are parallels.
He didn’t have to choose me after waking up in that hospital. But he did.
“She’s measuring right on track for sixteen weeks,” the doctor says, oblivious to the profound moment I’m experiencing. “About four and a half inches long.”
“Can you tell me in terms of fruit?” Trevor asks.
I give him a blank stare.
“I always hear people refer to babies in terms of fruit. You know, it’s the size of a blueberry or a lemon, or a cantaloupe.”
Dr. Russo chuckles. “This little one is about the size of an avocado. She’s also fully formed, just very tiny. She’s got all her fingers and toes.” She stops moving the wand. “See here, there’s a foot.”
I long to reach out and trace it. And even though Dr. Russo just said she has all her fingers and toes, I find myself quickly counting them just to be sure.
“We’ll do the full anatomy scan at your next appointment, but I’m not seeing anything here that concerns me.”
She pulls the transducer away.
“Wait!” Trevor says. “Just one more look.”
Dr. Russo gives him an empathetic smile.
She knows his story just like everyone else in this town.
She puts it back on my belly and lets him see the baby for another minute or two.
The entire time, he says nothing. He just stares at the screen, eyes wide, jaw slightly agape, hand tightly around mine.
Me? I just lie here looking at him, not the baby. Because even though he’s already this baby’s father, I swear over these past few minutes I saw him become a daddy.