Present day #4
That’s a good girl, count backwards from ten for me . . .
And then . . . nothing.
‘I was kind of, kind of, lied to. And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker.’
‘You won’t be the first or the last.’ This, too, she knew to be true.
‘I worked with him, Apollo’s dad.’
‘At the sports shop?’
‘Yep.’ Clodagh straightened. ‘He was my section manager, nice-looking, nice to me, nice to everyone, really. He was my first proper boyfriend, and I was just’ – she blew out through bloated cheeks – ‘I was like obsessed! Completely obsessed, convinced there’d never been a love like it.
He lived with his parents and so we’d go to mine or go out and he was with me all of the time, like all of the time.
I loved it. When I got pregnant it was just a lovely thing.
A lovely, unplanned thing, but I was happy, we were happy. ’
‘And what a joy he is!’ They listened to the sound of Apollo roaring his laughter from the sofa at something on TV.
Lilly, even at her age, felt the twinge of loss in her breast – a child’s laughter, something that was never going to fill this flat after she moved out, this flat that Portland and Montague wanted to reduce to rubble.
‘He is, he’s everything. Sab moved in with us – that’s his name.
And I’ve never been happier. We were in this bubble, the three of us.
I’d wake up in the middle of the night and feel this kind of panic, because it was too perfect.
I had it all – this man I adored, our beautiful baby asleep in the crib next to us, and a little flat that felt like home because we were in it, a proper family.
Truth is, I felt a bit smug, knowing I was already doing better than my mum ever did.
There was no chance of me going clubbing or on holiday with a stranger – nothing like that.
I just wanted to be at home, with Sab and our baby.
I remember feeling so content. It was perfect. ’
Lilly smiled; it sounded lovely, idyllic, and she remembered waking up in a bed in Chelsea with a similar glow of contentment, wanting nothing more, not ever . . .
‘Then one day’ – Clodagh paused; her mouth had gone a little dry – ‘Sab was at work and there was a knock on the door and this woman was standing there, his fiancée, and she was beautiful and smart and—’ She caught her breath as if even the memory of it was shocking.
‘She told me their wedding was booked, planned, a big affair, and that she’d followed him to the flat, had her suspicions, apparently. ’
‘Oh, Clodagh.’ Lilly’s heart squeezed for the young woman, understanding what it felt like to have happiness ripped from under you.
‘She didn’t know about Apollo, and I didn’t tell her. What would have been the point, other than destroy her, destroy them?’
‘That took some strength.’
Clodagh nodded.
‘I packed up all his stuff, and when he came back from work I handed him his bags and I didn’t say a word, not one.
He just took the bags and started crying, and I got the feeling he had been expecting it, waiting for the hammer to fall.
He told me he was trapped and all kinds of rubbish, but he lied to me, Lilly, and he was lying to her, lying to his family, lying to Apollo.
She had showed me pictures of their engagement party, and it was bigger than any wedding I’ve ever been to.
He was dressed up to the nines and beaming into the camera with his arm around her.
’ Her voice broke. ‘He left. It wasn’t the same in the flat.
I could see him in every chair, lying in our bed, making promises to me the day we brought Apollo home.
It was like torture, so I moved out, went to a shared house that was really grim and then we came here, and that’s that.
’ The young girl wiped her nose. It was the day, it seemed, for tears.
‘You have no contact with him?’
‘None.’ Clodagh shook her head. ‘It’s better that way, cleaner.
Easier for Apollo too. The idea that Sab could dip in and out of his life would only be confusing.
I just want things to be steady.’ Lilly remembered Glenda saying something similar a long time ago now.
‘I guess that’s why I’m thinking we should probably take that flat in Kennington.
Apollo can stay at school, and we’ll only be twenty minutes or so walk from here.
That’s nothing in the scheme of things.’
‘That sounds like a good idea.’ Lilly smiled to hide her desire to sob, daft as it was. Her tears were for the inevitable separation that was looming, but also for Clodagh’s broken heart, Sab’s broken promises and all that she, too, had endured. It really was monstrously unfair, all of it.
‘I’m okay though, Lilly. I don’t need him, don’t need anyone. I’d rather be on my own than be with someone who is not going to show up for me, pick me.’
Lilly poured the tea and considered Clodagh’s words: obsessed! Completely obsessed, convinced there’d never been a love like it . . .
‘I understand, my love, I really do.’