18. Nyle Brown
When I woke up this morning, the weight I’d been feeling felt lighter.
Light enough to the point I texted Dr. Morgan for an emergency session.
I’d completely shut myself off to everyone, so the fact I had the desire to talk to her was a good sign.
She texted back fast, letting me know she’d had a cancellation and was able to talk then.
Even though I felt like talking, I didn’t feel like getting out the bed, so I grabbed my laptop and set it up.
“Good morning, Nyle.” Dr. Morgan’s gaze slowly traveled over me, and her brows furrowed. “This may sound unprofessional, but you’ve been my client long enough for me to tell you that you look like shit. What happened?”
For the first time in days, my lips curved upward. I ran my hands through my unkempt hair and agreed. “I do, but I have my reasons.”
“Well, I’m listening.”
I ran down everything to Dr. Morgan. Not one detail or emotion was left out.
Putting it all on the table was exactly what I needed.
With each confession, I felt better. My emotions slowly felt as if they were stabilizing.
By the time I was done, Dr. Morgan had taken her glasses off and was shaking her head.
“Nyle, that is terrible. You shutting off makes sense. Your mother set you back, but tell me something.”
“Yes?”
“Why was your first instinct to isolate yourself?”
“Because I didn’t want to take anyone I loved on the emotional roller coaster waiting to take me on a ride. I needed to deal with everything on my own first.”
“Why take on something so detrimental like that alone when you have people around you who love you? I understand wanting to process emotions, but we’ve talked about how that’s not a healthy choice for you.
When you isolate yourself, you don’t know how to return to normal.
It takes you months, remember?” Dr. Morgan reminded me, and I expelled a sigh.
“You’re right, but that’s not the case this time.”
“So, why aren’t you around your loved ones?”
“I needed time.”
“You’ve had enough time, Nyle. You said your family was there when it happened, correct?”
“Yes.”
“How did they react when you left alone?”
I massaged my dry beard. “They begged me not to go, letting me know they’d help me through it.”
“Did you believe them?”
“I did.”
“And how did that make you feel?”
Ah. There it was. Dr. Morgan always got me before I could process what she was doing.
With a light chuckle, I said, “You got me.”
“Oh, no. I need to hear you say it, Nyle. How did it make you feel?”
“It made me feel like I was loved and wasn’t alone. Like I could give them some of the weight when it got too heavy.”
“And instead, you wanted to be stubborn and carry it by yourself.”
“But you get why, right?”
Dr. Morgan put her glasses back on and jotted a few things down before replying, “I do, but you need to go be with them, Nyle. Give yourself grace. Give yourself peace. Give yourself love. You told me that was everything Brittish gave you, so why not surrounded yourself with it?”
Brittish.
I missed the hell out of her.
“I’m worried I failed her, Dr. Morgan. I’ve failed to do some of the things she’s asked me to do. What if it’s too much for her? What if she won’t forgive me?”
“If she truly loves you, she will. You won’t know unless you get up and go see. I’m proud of you for reaching out to me. That tells me you’re ready to free yourself from isolation. I don’t need you to sit in that bed a second longer, Nyle.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Now, I’m going to call you after my lunch, and you better be on your way to the people who love you.
I’m scheduling us another session for this week, and we will continue with weekly sessions.
We’ll go back to what we used to do to get you where you need to be again. Sound good?”
“It does.”
We ended the call, and I shut my laptop. I tossed the covers off me and went to find my phone. I’d dropped all my stuff at the door and hadn’t touched it since. After placing it on the charger, I headed to the bathroom to handle my hygiene. Just smelling the toothpaste gave me a boost.
I’d rented a spot back home for a few days.
To me, it was crazy that home was the place I went back to.
It was the one place that held haunting memories, but it allowed me to also visit the one spot that used to bring me peace.
Going there was the only time I left my spot.
I’d go out there and sit for hours. The peace it brought me was similar to what Brittish gave me, but hers was far more powerful.
I could only imagine how it would be to have her there with me.
The spot was across the street from the baseball stadium. At night, I could hear the games. When I wasn’t lost in my thoughts, I’d listen to them. It helped me focus on something I loved, something that Renee tried taking from me but couldn’t.
In my heart, I knew I had to forgive her.
If I didn’t, it would be a disservice to myself.
I would be holding myself back from living a full life again, and I refused to allow that to happen.
What she admitted was what I needed to hear, but it was tough to swallow.
It’d take time, but I’d be able to do so.
My thoughts drifted to my grandmother and siblings.
Guilt started eating at me for leaving them.
I wasn’t the only one affected by Renee.
They were too. I could only imagine how they felt knowing she’d touched me too.
I could only imagine how Brielle felt for beating on her.
Nannie had done it before, so I figured it wouldn’t affect her as much.
Maybe physically, but I knew it was mental and emotional for Brielle.
Then again, maybe it wasn’t.
After I moisturized my body and put some clothes on, I went to check my phone.
I had over fifty messages with most of them being in our family group chat.
I didn’t bother reading them. They could wait.
The one text I had from Brittish was what caught my attention.
I halfway expected her to blow my phone up like my family had, but then again, she knew me.
She knew I needed time, and it was obvious she respected it.
I wasn’t saying that my family didn’t, but Brittish and I had a different understanding. Our connection was deeper.
I opened her message and felt myself getting emotional.
Pretty Lady:
I love you. I miss you. I understand all of this is hard on you, but I want you to know I am here.
There’s no need in you being alone when you have people who want to surround you with love.
It’s day two of not hearing from you, not seeing you, not feeling you, and it’s driving me crazy.
As badly as I want to be in your presence, all I need is a simple text, letting me know you’re okay.
I’m only going to give you so much time before I come find you, Nyle.
And when I do, I’m not leaving. So, let me know something, even if it’s a thumbs up. I love you.
She didn’t fuss.
She didn’t break up with me.
She didn’t blame me.
Brittish simply wanted to know I was good while letting me know she was with me. I believed her when she said she would come find me. The last thing I ever wanted was her to chase after me, but it felt good knowing that she would. I wasn’t about to give her the chance to do so.
Before I headed back to Maven Falls, I needed to go visit my spot one last time. I figured once I went home and made my presence known, it would be a while before I had any time to myself again. I didn’t mind. Being surrounded by love was exactly what I needed.
I grabbed my keys and left. The distance to my spot wasn’t far from where I was staying, so I chose to walk and enjoy the weather.
While it was hot as hell, I needed the fresh air.
As I walked, I could feel my spirits rising.
I spoke to people who spoke to me and kept my head high.
I was passing by a floral shop, and something told me to stop and grab some flowers.
Of course, I picked something with Brittish in mind, something nice and vibrant.
I held onto them like my life depended on it, wondering why I had the urge to buy them.
Sweat trickled down my face as I hiked up the dirt hill to my destination. When I made it to the top, I sat down on the grass and looked ahead.
One night, after losing a game and not mentally being in a good headspace, I didn’t go straight home.
I took off walking and stumbled upon this place after following a few people who were talking about it.
The immediate calmness I felt sitting so high up and looking over the city did something to me, so I made it a ritual to go there whenever I was feeling down.
Being there felt nostalgic, but in a good way.
Suddenly, the peace I felt strengthened.
My body relaxed more. My heart beat in a steady rhythm.
It was followed by my nostrils flaring, trying to deeply inhale the enticing scent of vanilla that drove me crazy.
For a moment, I thought I was crazy. All my senses heightened thinking Brittish was around, but there was no way she knew where I was.
Or did she?
She had to because I felt her. Her presence was far too strong for her not to be near me.
Picking up the flowers, I rose to my feet and turned around just as she came into view.
With each step that she got closer to me, I blinked in disbelief.
I couldn’t believe she’d driven hours away to me when that was what I was supposed to do for her.
That was what I was going to do for her, but somehow, she beat me to it.