Chapter 29
The chaos of the card games with the extended Quinn family had settled into calm. The only people left were the Quinns and their dates, plus me and Jake, and minus Zach, who’d left to drive home Nicole.
I’d spent most of the night trying to find a reason to hate Calvin, but none had come to me. He never did anything outwardly wrong. He didn’t eat chips with his mouth open, he didn’t bite his nails, and he was sweet with Tanner.
Which ultimately meant that I did, in fact, not like him at all.
Gavin, Maissie, and Mr. and Mrs. Quinn played euchre on the pool table. Jake sat next to me in the movie-theater seats, our arms brushing against each other every time he fidgeted, while Calvin and Tanner were cuddled up in the loveseat.
“So, how long did it take for you two to get together at school? I bet Cal had to drag it out of you, Tanner. Like you’re a dog holding onto a toy Cal really wanted,” Jake asked, running his hands through his slicked-back black hair.
Calvin snorted, his fingernails—now painted red—playing with the armrest of the chair as Tanner answered, “You’re basically Gavin, aren’t you? Never any filter.”
“Nope,” Jake said, smiling at how funny he found himself.
Tanner looked at Calvin, communicating without words. Tanner’s shoulders shrugged as he looked back at us. “You’re not wrong. Cal knew what was up from the second he met me, and he waited longer than he wanted to ask me.”
“Yeah. We were in a class together for two weeks, and Tanner kept borrowing a pen every day. I finally asked him if he wanted to go grab coffee, and Tanner jumped out of his chair to say yes.”
I looked at Tanner, who was smiling at Calvin, relaxed as their bodies nearly intertwined.
“If Cal hadn’t asked, would you have ever gotten there, Tanner?” Jake asked. He folded his legs up underneath him and sat on his feet.
“He absolutely wouldn’t have. Tanner’s too stubborn for his own good,” Calvin answered for him.
“Shut up,” Tanner said, reaching his hand into Calvin’s. His muscles squeezed as he grabbed tightly.
Jake turned to me next, and I saw in his eyes the oncoming interrogation. “What about you, East? I’ve known you for, like, three years now and have never seen you date anyone. Are you waiting for someone else to make the first move, or do you know how to do it yourself?”
I froze, but Jake didn’t look away after the question, his eyes lingering way longer than they should have.
I bit my nails, my left hand down to nubs.
Did he know about Tanner and me? Had Gavin told him even after promising not to?
Heat rose through my body as my tongue froze, the conflicting temperatures causing a tornado of words to circle my brain.
“Chill, Jacob,” Tanner said. “Not everyone is a little flirt like you.”
“Don’t call me Jacob,” Jake said, turning from me, the interrogation seemingly finished.
The conversation continued for the next half hour, Jake peppering Calvin and Tanner with the same questions Gavin had given them months ago. It was easy to see why Jake and Gavin were such great friends; they’d also have made a perfect match with the Energizer Bunny.
Eventually, Jake got a text and said he needed to head home. He asked me if I’d drive him; I’d gotten my license last week, thanks to Mr. Quinn, and wasn’t turning down the chance.
Before I left, I pulled Tanner aside, having one last gift up my sleeve. No offense to the other Quinns, but Tanner was still secretly my favorite, and he’d gotten me a gift every year we’d known each other.
Calvin eyed us suspiciously as we walked away but didn’t make a move to stop us.
“Here. Open this,” I said, smiling.
Tanner slit open another envelope, similar to the one from the morning. This one, however, contained a fifty-dollar gift card to the best steakhouse in town. I’d spent way too much on gifts, but it was Christmas after all.
“I figured you could take Calvin on a date,” I said, hating the words as I said them, the words tasting like a rosin bag on the way out.
“Dude. I’ve wanted to go to this place. Thank you!” Tanner said. His body flinched toward mine and then pulled back. He made a fist for a bump instead, and our hands met between us.
“Enjoy, dude,” I said. Before we could make this more awkward than needed, I turned to Jake. “I’m ready now.”
We made our way to the car, Jake barely waiting for the doors to shut behind us. “Cal seems cool. Do you like him?”
“Seatbelt on,” I told him, ignoring the question as I put the car in drive.
We sat listening to the music for a couple of minutes, the bass bouncing against the walls of the car.
“Could you pull over? I need to ask you something.”
I squeezed the wheel. Was he going to ask about me and Tanner? That had to be it. I didn’t want to answer this question and probably wouldn’t, but I still found a spot to park a block away from Jake’s house.
“What’s up?” I said, turning to him. He wore a Cardinals hoodie I was pretty sure used to belong to Gavin, the hood tucked between him and the seat.
“Can you promise not to tell anybody?” Jake asked, his eyes locked on something through the windshield I couldn’t see.
“Sure.”
“Even Gavin. Don’t tell him either. Especially not him.”
“I said I wouldn’t tell anyone, and I won’t, man.”
The words had barely hung for a second when Jake twisted, the seat belt not slowing him down. His hands shot to my face, and he kissed me on the lips before I had a second to move, his tongue trying but failing to enter my mouth.
I shoved him away from me, the wetness still on my lips. Jake? Gay?
“Dude, what the hell was that?” I said.
“I’m so sorry,” Jake said, tears already falling down his cheeks.
My mind raced; he was fifteen, and I was nearing nineteen. Could I end up in jail for what he’d done? If someone had seen that... if someone twisted that... I’d be fucked.
What had made him think that was a good idea? Had I ever given him any indication I was interested in him?
I drove the car to his house with no words between us. Half of me wanted to make him get out of the car and walk the rest of the way to his house.
When I pulled in front of his house, he exited the car before I put it in park. I watched to make sure he got inside before heading back to the Quinns’, my mind full of cobwebs.
There were still voices coming from the basement when I entered, but I didn’t trust myself around people, so I headed to my room. Well, Tanner’s room, but he’d refused to let me give it back to him while he was home for breaks, instead opting to sleep on Gavin’s bunk bed.
I jumped under the covers without changing and stared up at the stars on his ceiling, the glint calming me slightly. What was I supposed to do when a kid—and that was all he was—tried to kiss me?
I should ask Tanner.
Except I couldn’t. I’d promised Jake I wouldn’t tell anybody.
But what would Tanner say?
He’d say not to run again, I thought to myself. Well, I’d fucked that up by not saying anything in the car.
What would he do next? How would he possibly handle this?
He’d text Jake and tell him not to freak out, and we’d talk tomorrow.
I ripped out my phone and typed out the text. Jake was likely spiraling right now—I’d spiraled myself so many times, for the same reasons. I was close to spiraling tonight, too. But I found my inner Tanner and managed to send the text, hoping Jake would be okay. I liked the kid. But not like that.
Tanner didn’t even have to be here to tell me what to do. And he was still somehow right.
The next morning, I walked over to Jake’s house, taking the mile of sidewalk to think through how I wanted to approach him. Jake knew I was coming over; his text back to me had been three paragraphs of words in a single run-on sentence.
I’d bundled up in a hoodie and a jacket; my entire body radiated heat except for my toes, which walked through slush the entire way. The glint of the sun bounced off the six inches of snow covering the grass, somehow brighter than the sun itself.
Jake lived in a trailer park right outside of town; there were maybe a dozen houses surrounding a small playground area I’d never seen anyone use. His mom’s car sat in the driveway, so I shot him a text to come outside.
He came out wearing an old camouflage jacket on top of a pair of black athletic shorts. When he saw me, he pulled his winter hat low on his head and walked over.
Between him not making eye contact and his face blushing redder than the cold would have made it, I knew I’d have to be delicate with what I said.
“Maybe go put on some pants, you numbnuts.”
Okay, I could have been a little nicer there. But he smiled at me and finally made eye contact. “I’m fine; it’s not that cold.”
“Whatever, dude,” I said, walking away, knowing he’d follow. He caught up to me quickly, matching my stride as we strode toward the park entrance.
I only slowed down when we got near the swing set; should we stop here?
No. Too many memories of too many deep conversations. Better not let that distraction get in my way.
“So, what were you doing last night in the car, dude?”
Jake looked down at his feet, his arms barely swinging by his side anymore.
“I’m not mad at you or anything. But I need to figure out what that was.”
“I just thought, well... I don’t know.”
Choosing to give him space to answer, I shoved my hands into my hoodie, my fingertips ready to freeze off.
“I’ve never kissed anyone. I’m desperate. And you’ve always been so nice to me, and I thought you liked me. I’m sorry.”
“Jake, we’re friends. But you’re fifteen, and I’m eighteen. I’m not into you like that.”
“I know that now,” he said, finally lifting his head again and looking at me.
We had halted at a stop sign near a busy road; the sound of cars flying by made it tough to hear what Jake was saying.
“I’m sorry.” He kicked at the snow next to him, and a chunk of it flew in the air.
“Not a big deal, as long as you don’t do it again,” I said. I made myself ask it. “Are you gay, dude?”
Jake went silent again. He wiped snot out of his nose with his forearm, the cold getting to his body more than he’d said it would. A tear started to roll down his face.
I thought again about Tanner and how he’d handle this. He’d lay on his sword to save a friend. Every single time.
“Can I tell you a story?”
He nodded, still quiet, but his tears started to flow more easily.
I hesitated, but the threat of mutually assured destruction if he ever repeated my words made this easier. “I fell in love with a guy once. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but that’s what it was.” I took a breath, my chest blasting the heat of a fastball.
“Tanner,” he said, finding his voice.
Was I that easy to read? I searched for a tell—was he just guessing, or did he know? I couldn’t read his face and didn’t want to give myself away by stalling any longer.
“Doesn’t matter who it was,” I said. “What matters is no matter how scared and alone you think you are right now, there are people out there who feel exactly like you. You’re a cool dude. You saw how everyone treats Tanner. It might not be easy, but you can like who you want.”
Jake nodded.
I put my left hand on his shoulder and softly spun his head so he was looking at me again. “We are friends, no matter what. But do not try to kiss me again. Got it, Jacob?” I said.
Jake smiled. “Don’t call me that.”
We walked back toward his house in silence, the crispness of the air beating against my face. When I saw the entrance to the park, Jake stopped us, his body still turned away from me.
“I’m not gay, by the way,” he said.
Huh?
He continued. “I like girls, too.”
“Cool, dude.”
“Cool.”
I dropped off Jake and headed back home. He didn’t feel worse than he had before we’d talked. I’d told him it was okay to be gay. I hadn’t lied. And I hadn’t run.
I only needed to figure out how to believe my own words.