37. August
August
Iwas still flying high from the title game. If I could live in this world of victory for the rest of my life, I would.
Life hadn't changed much since I came out to the boys. Not really. I told Mr. and Mrs. Quinn one night, too, when we were hanging out playing cards. There was about half a second pause before Mrs. Quinn dealt the next hand, but, really, it had been nothing.
Telling anyone past them wasn't on my agenda anytime soon.
It was nobody's business but mine and the people I wanted to tell, and I'd already tackled that mountain.
Jake and Gavin kept nagging me to get a boyfriend, but there would be time for that.
For now, I just wanted to enjoy the summer before college.
Today, I was in the backyard, hitting with Gavin, the sound of Mr. Quinn hammering on the deck the only noise between our swings.
Tanner stepped outside and walked past him, landing right outside the cage near home plate. Even as I threw to Gavin, I recognized the look on his face: a mix of fear and shock that I hadn’t seen in years.
When Gavin finished hitting the bucket of balls, Tanner said, “Can you come with me, Easton?”
Gavin followed me, but Tanner stopped him and told him to go inside, his voice on the edge of... something.
“Weirdo,” Gavin said as he walked away, twirling his bat in his hands.
Tanner walked to the side of his house in silence, and I followed step by step. His hands were fidgeting, bouncing from his pockets to his sides and back again. We walked a block away without a word; sounds of summer surrounded us, and the smell of flowers filled my head.
Tanner finally came to a stop ten steps outside the park. I was glad he didn’t lead us in there; I’d read that script before and knew what would happen if we went in there and started to swing.
He opened his mouth, closed it, then dragged a hand through his hair. "I—” He swallowed. His fingers trembled at his side.
“Are you okay?”
He nodded and stared at the ground. “Cal asked me to marry him last night.”
“What?” I yelled. The word came out too loud. Everything I’d been riding for two months collapsed from under me at once.
Tanner stared at the ground, hunched. “He said he knows I’m the one. He didn’t want to wait.” Tanner wasn’t making eye contact with me; the toes of his shoes were making circles in the dirt.
“What did you say to him?”
The pause that followed stretched for what felt like an eternity, neither of us able to talk.
Finally, he said, “I told him to give me a couple of days. That it came out of left field and that I needed to think.”
I stood there, choosing the words I wanted to use carefully. “Where’s your head at?”
The naked silence returned; Tanner grabbed onto his right bicep before he started.
“I needed to—” he started, then paused and squeezed his temple.
“Look, I know it’s not fair to you. Or him.
But—but not making sure felt so much more unfair.
And I hate that I’m even saying this, but with everything that’s happened...
like with your dad, and then what you said after.
With all that, I needed to ask you if there was ever going to be a chance. With us. Before I said yes.”
Jesus, Tanner.
A year ago I had nothing to lose. Now I had a home. A bed with my name on it. A family that cared. If I said what I wanted and we broke again, I wouldn’t just lose Tanner.
I’d lose it all.
And if I let him go home without a word of the truth—if I said no, there’s no chance, you deserve to be happy with Calvin and not me—I'd lose him to a ring and a life I wasn’t in.
Two choices. Both of them ending with me standing at the edge of losing the only two things that mattered to me. The only people who mattered to me.
He looked up, finally, and met my eyes, waiting for an answer I still didn’t know how to give.