13. CHAPTER 13 #2
“Tanner, come talk to us!” Easton called, voice loose and sloppy.
I turned back.
“Tanner, come back,” he repeated. “We haven’t seen you all night.”
“I’m good. Finish up with the girls while I go say bye to Bella and Lacy.”
My jaw clenched tight enough to crack. I made it back to my previous seat, next to Bella. Safe territory.
And then I saw it.
Easton leaned in too fast toward his date, and their noses bumped.
Ashley laughed, too loudly and too fake, but he didn’t seem to care.
He smiled that familiar smile, the one that always made my stomach twist, and let her pull him in.
Their kiss was messy and uncoordinated, all shifting weight and flailing hands, like neither of them really knew what they were doing.
It was nothing like when Easton and I kissed.
His hand hovered at her waist before settling there, and I stood frozen, watching him hold someone else like they mattered.
“That sucks,” Bella said, knocking me out of my trance. She was the only one around; Ricky and Lacy had disappeared to god knew where.
“Huh?”
“You know what, Tanner,” she said softly.
My hands found the edge of my plastic chair, and I gripped it hard enough that my knuckles turned white. I refused to look at her.
“I have a story for you,” she said.
“Okay?”
“The story is about my first crush. It’s actually when I realized I liked girls.”
My sleeves were too tight; it felt like the cuffs were trying to squeeze all of the blood out of my fingers. I rolled them up, the cuffs catching on my elbows.
“She doesn’t know this, but it was because of Lacy. It was sixth grade, and we were working on a science project together…and I just knew then. I had this huge crush on her for about three years, and I never told her. Eventually, I moved on and started dating other people.”
I let her words linger for a second. “How’d you get over her?”
“I’m not sure I have yet. She’s still my best friend.”
“Why don’t you tell her?”
“Some people mean too much to risk screwing it up.”
I nodded. The sound of batting practice rang through my head. “I know what you mean,” I said. “Why’d you decide to tell me now?”
“It seemed like the right time. Maybe hearing this will help with whatever is going on with you.”
She wasn’t going to say anything else. This was my chance to say it—to tell someone. To feel heard. To talk about everything that had been building inside of me since Easton had shown up—really, since I’d realized I was gay.
“Bella, I—” But I couldn’t. Not yet.
“Yes?”
“I need to get home before we break curfew. But thank you.”
“We can talk whenever you want,” she said.
I still hadn’t looked at her. But I stood and got Zach and Easton out the door.
Zach and Easton both jumped in the back of the Durango, neither fighting over the front. Instead, they laughed about whatever they had just said to the girls. Fucking girls.
“Tanner,” Zach said, his voice two levels louder than normal, “Easton and I want some food.”
“We’ve only got ten minutes to get home,” I said, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.
“Stop at the gas station!” Zach said.
“THE GAS STATION!” Easton said. The two of them laughed like hyenas, apparently thinking they were the funniest people ever.
I texted Mom that we’d be a couple of minutes late and were getting food, and I got the “Okay, be safe” reply as we walked into the store.
They darted for the snack aisle like they were hunting treasure. I grabbed two waters and Tylenol, feeling like the designated adult in a convenience store playground.
We got home, and the front porch light shone, almost like an accusation. “Act normal and go right downstairs. I’ll talk to Mom,” I said as we walked up to our porch.
Mom sat in her chair in the living room; the only light in the house came from behind her so that she could see her puzzles. Zach and Easton laughed as they walked down the hall to avoid her, thankfully not as loudly as they had in the car.
I sat on the couch, tossing my tux over the edge.
Mom put down her pencil. “How was the dance?”
“It was fine.”
“Did you drink at Silas’s?”
“No, Mom. I drove.”
“Did those two drink?”
I looked down at the arm of the couch and picked a loose thread. Mom and Dad weren’t too harsh about drinking, but I wouldn’t rat the boys out, either.
She raised an eyebrow like she already knew my answer. “I figured. Should I go yell at them?” But she didn’t move.
“They were fine. I was there.”
Mom stood up and walked over to me. “Thanks for getting them home. Good night, Tanner.” She kissed me on the forehead. I didn’t flinch, but I also didn’t look at her. Instead, I sat still, waiting for her to walk away before I moved.
After a couple of minutes, I grabbed my tux. When I got to my room, I saw a text from Easton asking me to come downstairs.
Not tonight, dude.
I undressed and tossed my clothes on the floor. My head hit the cool side of the pillow; my breathing slowed. The ringing in my ears faded.
My mind wandered, though, and I drifted in and out of sleep. I wasn’t sure if I was awake or not when I heard my door open and my name.
“Tanner,” Easton whispered. “Are you awake?”
Perfect, more drunk people.
I sat up, my bare chest filling with goosebumps. “Yeah.”
He came and sat next to me in my bed. Without another word, his hand made his way toward my chest, and he leaned in to kiss me.
I fought off the devil on my shoulder. “No, dude,” I said, backing away.
He stared at me, confused. “I thought you wanted this?”
“Quit being so loud. Do I need to give you the list of reasons I don’t want this right now, man?”
“I know I’m drunk. But I also know what I’m doing,” he said, trying to make a move again.
“Stop it, Easton,” I said. “An hour ago, you were making out with Ashley.”
“So that’s why you don’t want me now? Because I made out with her? You made out with Erin tonight, too.” He slid away, settling on the far edge of the bed. Our feet barely touched under the blanket.
How could he not know how much I wanted him? But not like this.
“That’s part of it, yeah,” I whispered. I pulled my blanket up, covering my chest.
“I wasn’t thinking about her.” Easton looked out the window, the street light shining across his neck.
I squeezed my knees up closer to my chest, thinking that would heal my chills. “Who were you thinking about, then?”
“Not her,” he whispered.
I scrubbed at my scalp and gripped the back of my neck, hoping the pressure would quiet everything spinning inside me.
Then I saw Easton convulse before jumping out of my bed. I pulled on a pair of shorts and walked after him to the bathroom I shared with my brothers; Easton was on his knees in front of the toilet.
After he had emptied his stomach, I handed him a towel and a glass of water, just like Mom used to do when I was twelve and had a migraine.
“Can I stay in your room, Tanner?”
The words were right there, sharp and jagged. But I swallowed them. I was too tired to pick this fight. Too tired of all of this.
“Sure.”
I got back in bed. Easton didn’t have a problem falling asleep on the futon, and his steady breathing consumed me as I looked at my glow-in-the-dark stars.
He never would have said this stuff sober. He refused to. It was like I wasn’t important enough to him. Like I didn’t matter.
I was sick of being somebody’s secret. Sick of living my own secret.
But it didn’t matter how tired I was of secrets. I still had to wear mine.