16. CHAPTER 16
When the sun rose the next morning, I was still awake on the couch, waiting for it to be socially acceptable to start my day.
I had told Gavin the night before that we’d go to breakfast in the morning and talk about what he’d seen, but he was absolutely not to say a word to anyone until we had talked.
My body felt like I had played three games in a row: done, heavy, ready to collapse. But my brain wouldn’t stop running circles, cracked out on too much Mountain Dew and panic.
“I made eggs,” Gavin said, putting a plate in front of my seat. “Eat fast so we can go for a drive. I didn’t want to go out to breakfast.”
Quietly eating, I listened as my brothers talked about what a great Christmas it had been. I couldn’t help but wonder what I’d think looking back at it.
Last night, Easton had sent both of my calls to voicemail. I had sent him a text that I was going to talk to Gavin and I had made sure he wouldn’t tell anyone about what he’d seen. My inbox still sat empty.
After everyone had eaten, I grabbed the dishes and took them to the sink and started washing them. I scrubbed slowly, hoping somehow this would all go away if I just didn’t talk about it.
“You ready?” Gavin asked.
I turned and saw Gavin was already dressed to go. He wore the Cardinals hoodie Santa had brought him the previous morning, and he was eating the rest of a candy cane.
“Get your shoes on,” I said.
“Dude,” he said. I looked down and noticed his Nikes were already on. “Quit stalling.”
I checked my phone before we left. Still nothing.
My fingers froze on the steering wheel as I started the Durango and backed out of the driveway. The road blurred past, and I had no idea what to say, so I flicked on the radio. As soon as I let go, Gavin knocked the dial back to zero.
“You’re being super awkward right now,” he said.
“Gee, I wonder why, Gav.” I knew I had to say something. I couldn’t have him say something and out Easton—or me.
The car felt too small, too engulfing. I rolled down my window, and the freezing December breeze brushed my cheeks. Relief didn’t come.
“Probably because I caught you doing…things. With Easton.”
“Jesus, Gavin. Keep your voice down.”
“There’s no one else in the car!”
“Still. Whisper or something, I don’t know.”
Even with my eyes on the road, I could feel him smirk. Jackass.
“What exactly did you see?”
Gavin grinned. “Well, you were on your knees—”
I nearly swerved. “No. Absolutely do not describe it.”
He laughed. “The lights were off, so I didn’t see much. But enough that I’ll have to tell my therapist about it.”
Shocked, I said, “You see a therapist?”
“Might have to start after that.”
We both laughed, and I immediately knew I didn’t have to worry with Gavin. The emotional weight I had been feeling for months—years, really—was fading. Only by a little, though.
Even still, I had to ask.
“Are you going to tell anybody what you saw?” I tried to keep my voice level.
“What am I going to do? Go tell my friends that I walked in on my brother having sex? Nope, nobody is ever going to find that out, Tanner.”
Laughter fell into silence again. My hands were finally starting to loosen around the steering wheel.
“So,” Gavin started, “are you like…gay?”
So much for my grip loosening on the wheel.
My mouth felt dry. Saying it out loud felt like throwing a stone through a window I’d been pretending didn’t exist. But he already knew the truth.
“I think so, Gav,” I whispered.
“Do you like girls, too?”
“No. I don’t.”
“Didn’t you go to a dance with a girl? Zach said you kissed her.”
“All fake, Gavin. I had to be straight.”
Gavin clicked and unclicked his seat belt like it was a toy. I flipped the wipers on and off, unsure what else to do as I waited for a response.
“You don’t have to fake it with me, Tanner. I don’t care if you only like boys.”
I wanted to pull over the car and hug Gavin right then and there. But I didn’t.
“Thanks, Gav.”
“You can’t get all weird and stuff, though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t be like watching romantic movies and crying all the time. Or quit playing baseball.”
“Do you think that being gay is just crying and not being into sports?”
“I don’t know, Tanner. You’re the only gay person I know. I don’t want you to be different from who you are now is all.”
Why couldn’t I stop smiling?
For so long, I had been bracing for the worst—not only with this conversation with Gavin, but my entire life. But we were on the same page. As long as I continued to be who I’d always been, he was going to love me. It didn’t matter if I liked guys or girls.
“Promise you won’t change either, now that you know.”
“What about Easton?”
There it was. The real reason we needed to talk. My leg spasmed, and my foot went down harder on the gas pedal as we got onto the highway.
I didn’t respond, but that didn’t stop Gavin.
“Are you two, like, dating? Do you love him?”
Too many questions that I wasn’t sure I knew the answers to. Too many questions I hadn’t stopped thinking about.
“Which one do you want me to answer first?”
“The first one. Because I’m pretty sure I know the answer to the second.”
“No, we aren’t dating. I’m not even sure I know what we are to each other. He’s…not ready. And even more than for me, you can’t tell anyone because of him. He’s definitely not ready for anyone to find out. And you shouldn’t ever out someone who isn’t ready for it.”
“I won’t. He’s my brother, too. I texted him and told him I wouldn’t say anything this morning—he hasn’t responded yet, though. He’s probably still asleep. Or he’s really embarrassed. He might be at his grandparents playing his sad-boy music.”
“Not once has he done that,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Yeah, he has. When you aren’t with him.”
I blinked. News to me.
“Does Zach know? Are you going to tell Mom and Dad?”
“You’re the only one who knows, dude. I have no idea what Mom and Dad are going to say, which is another reason this needs to stay a secret. You can do that?”
“If I need to,” he said.
I looked over at him. He stretched the hood of his sweatshirt over his head, just like I did when I got into an awkward conversation.
Gavin was always going to be the easiest person to tell, though. He didn’t care about anything.
But somehow, even with only one person knowing, I already felt like I was less of a secret.