Chapter 6 #3
“That’s reason enough, don’t you think?” Rowan added with a soft smile as she squatted beside her, their knees almost touching.
She caught a glimpse of a smile on Juniper’s face too, and her heart may have skipped a beat. That was unexpected. And it was contagious. Rowan felt her own smile growing wider.
“These are silene caroliniana. We call these wild pinks here. These particular flowers do serve a purpose though. They contain brassinosteroids. They kind of help strengthen the immune system of the other wildflowers around them. They make their other wildflower friends stronger.”
Rowan watched as Juniper lightly ran her fingers along the edge of one of the bubblegum pink flower petals and brought her nose in to smell the fragrance.
The way her eyes fluttered closed felt almost seductive, and stirringly reminiscent of the way she’d seen that happen before.
But there was something so different about Juniper now.
She had always been impressively powerful, intense, and capable.
But whatever this was was drawing Rowan in like a magnet.
She almost felt helpless, and a little silly, with how easy she was succumbing to its pull.
“If we’re lucky, we’ll be able to see some butterflies or hummingbirds over here today. I noticed the pollinators normally come out around noon,” Juniper said as she turned to look at Rowan, who realized she had inched even closer as the current images and memories blended together in her mind.
She snapped out of it and stood up, pacing a few steps away, becoming particularly interested in the other flowers.
She had absolutely no idea what they were.
They were beautiful, though nothing close to how beautiful she thought Juniper was in this moment.
But she needed to leave that alone. Or maybe one more look wouldn’t hurt.
She glanced back and took in the full sight of her.
So much about her had changed with time, but in this moment, all she saw was her best friend of eighteen years who also happened to be the girl she had accidentally fallen in love with that summer.
She had on an old powwow t-shirt, well worn with time, cut-off jean shorts, and short gardening boots.
Her long, coffee-colored hair was in a loose braid that had fallen over her shoulder.
How lucky she felt to finally see a reflection of that profile picture she’d admired in front of her.
Rowan’s fingers itched to tuck a strand of hair that had gotten loose behind Juniper’s ear.
She shoved her hands in her pockets to stifle any uncontrollable urges she might feel to actually do so.
“Those are white aster,” Juniper answered with a head nod, without needing to be asked.
Still not particularly caring about the flowers, though beautiful as they were, Rowan’s eyes were drawn to a newly exposed stretch of upper thigh from already short shorts riding up further. And that revealed something entirely new.
“Is that a tattoo?” Rowan interrupted.
Juniper diverted her attention to her thigh immediately, as her hand grazed over her own skin in acknowledgement.
“Oh, yeah. It’s a traditional leg band. I got it a couple of years ago after we had our first truly successful year with the gardens. An older woman from our Tribe is bringing them back the traditional way, stick and poke style.”
Rowan’s mouth dropped open.
“You sat through an entire leg band done as stick and poke?” She probed further in disbelief.
Juniper stood up and walked closer to Rowan. Inches apart, she lifted her leg. “Yep. Well, I sat through several sessions. Here, you can look at it.”
Traditionally, women received tattoos like this in honor of their accomplishments or contributions to their community.
Rowan guessed the gardens were what prompted the other woman to tattoo her.
It was essentially a symbol of adornment gifted by older women, to let others know that she had earned the right to have it. It was a really big deal.
Despite Rowan’s prior attempts at keeping her hands in her pockets, one of them instinctively found its way to the back of Juniper’s knee to steady her leg, touching more smooth skin on the back of her calf than it really needed to on its way there.
She caught Juniper’s wide eyes snap to hers and stay there for a painfully silent moment before snapping back down.
“Um, it’s, um,” Juniper stammered, “similar to a design I found in an old illustration of our Tribe’s tattoos. I liked the combination of round elements throughout the center line with the triangles jutting up and down along the outer borders.”
Juniper wrapped one hand around Rowan’s tricep to balance better as she angled her leg from side to side to show off the tattoo.
Oh good god. Rowan felt her own grip unconsciously tighten around Juniper’s bare skin.
She had to close her eyes for a second. Just objectively, anyone who likes women would find this attractive, right?
Right. That felt like mental gymnastics, but she was sticking to it.
She steeled her resolve and opened her eyes, taking in what Juniper wanted to show her.
“Shit, that’s so tough, Junie,” she started. Then she rushed to clarify. “I mean, Juniper. Sorry.”
Juniper dropped her leg, and the pit that grew exponentially in Rowan’s stomach told her she was sure she had fucked this up.
“No, you can call me Junie. That was… unnecessary,” Juniper said, blinking and adding a slow self-admonishing head shake.
“Are you sure? I can call you that. It was a force of habit.”
Rowan’s eyes searched hers in earnest. It had been so easy today to fall back into some semblance of the way they used to be with each other.
“I’m sure,” Juniper confirmed, turning to walk towards the picnic table off to the side of the garden, leaving in her wake a very speechless Rowan Birdsong.
After the tour finished, they settled into the next few hours of pruning, weeding, and watering.
By the end of it all, they were both glistening with sweat, and they both confirmed they were starving.
They decided to break for lunch and go on about their work days separately.
Rowan was caught in an internal struggle with herself over whether she really wanted to go back to her office afterwards, or if she wanted to keep spending time right here on the land, and with Juniper.
She sat alone in her truck, well after Juniper had pulled off and drove away. She leaned her head back against the seat and squinted her eyes shut aggressively. She pulled her hat over her face and flattened her palms against it, crushing it against her face.
“Ughhh,” she bellowed out into her hat.
A storm of emotions raged inside her. Memories of the past flooded her mind, and she couldn't help but question her every move. Was it fair to let these feelings resurface when she knew the pain she caused her before? No, you’re fucking selfish.
How did she think returning to her life would go though? That Juniper would happily accept her mere presence as an apology, and then they could do what? Be friends? She hadn't realized that even after all this time it would still feel messy, fresh, rubbed raw with sandpaper.
Sometimes when a heart breaks, it feels like these cords that had attached themselves to the other person’s heart were still left out in the world dangling, desperate to grab onto any other beating heart to re-tether themselves.
The cause of every shitty rebound. In their case, it felt like some of those cords that had attached their hearts all those years ago were trying to find each other again.
But you can’t do this again. Not with Juniper.
And what right did she have thinking she deserved to occupy even a sliver of this life Juniper had created for herself?
With all of the amazing things she’d done?
She’d had fifteen years to learn her lesson about not wanting to come back in and fuck Juniper’s life up.
Yet, there she was. She knew it was inevitable, moving back home.
Even if Juniper didn’t still live there, it would have only been a matter of time before they crossed paths again.
Their parents were old friends; if they weren’t working together, it would have been some barbeque, some social dance, some community event.
Rowan wondered then, if they had re-met under different circumstances, where Rowan would have had the courage to confront what she’d done head-on… but she had had fifteen years to do just that, and never had.
“She deserves so much better than you,” she bemoaned into her hat.
She sat up, smoothed her hair back, and replaced her hat on top of her head.
She reached into the backpack on the seat next to her to grab her phone and saw a message from one of her longtime friends, Emmanuel Toussaint, who was also a founding member of Climate Justice Collective, flash across the screen.
Gimme a call when you get a chance. I have an interesting development to tell you about.
Now was as good a time as ever, she supposed. Anything to get her mind off of the terrible idea of allowing herself to feel things for Juniper Banks again. She clicked the phone icon, and it dialed out.
“Rowan, what’s up?! We miss you already!”.
She smiled at the warmth. She missed it. Aside from fleeting moments she spent with her dad, her time home had been cold, unsocial, unforgiving.
“Manny. Emmanuel. My man-uel. I miss you guys too. I hope you’re not killing our winning streak now that I’m gone.”
They also played on the same pick-up basketball team they had lovingly dubbed Geeks in Sneaks at the gym in their neighborhood.
Laughing, Manny insisted, “We’re holding it down without you. Don’t worry about your legacy.”
“Alright, good.”
“How’s it going out there?” He asked.
“Uh, it’s going.”
“Nah, I need more than that. What’s been going on?”
“I spent a few days with my dad, out fishing with him on his boat during the day, and cooking what we caught for dinner, which was really great.”
“That sounds awesome. I’m so jealous.”
Emmanuel and Rowan had met in their first year of law school at an environmental advocacy event.
He was a first-generation college student of Haitian immigrant parents, also the son of a fisherman.
They bonded quickly over their meager origin stories and the subsequent culture shock of being thrust into the elite, high society world of the Ivy League, with its rich students, their presence sometimes more the product of nepotism rather than actual hard work.
“I know, it was exactly what I needed. Uh, but then I started this job.”
“And?”
“The job itself is amazing. Can’t say enough about how exciting it’s been,” she answered tentatively.
“But?”
“But… I may have run into the issue I was telling you about, when I was deciding whether I wanted to take the job and move home or not.”
“No way. What do you mean?”
Rowan sighed. “I work directly with her. I have since the first day.”
“The same girl from before?”
“The same girl from before,” she confirmed.
“Oh my god,” he laughed as he spoke, “and how is that going then? I’m guessing not great by the likes of your voice.”
“It started out rocky, really fucking bad actually, but I think we just had a moment.”
She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose at the realization that Juniper had felt something too. The notebook clutching, the subsequent opening up, the eye contact while they touched. This definitely had to end.
“What kind of moment, Rowan?” He asked, his tone full of teasing anticipation.
“You know. A moment.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line. “You guys fucked?”
“No! What the hell, Manny?” She laughed outwardly, but internally she groaned and flashed right back to the feeling of her hand on the back of Juniper’s leg.
“I don’t know!” He exclaimed in mock frustration. “This conversation has me on a roller coaster. It’s good, then it’s bad, then it’s good, then it’s maybe sexy time. You’re tormented, man.”
“You’re sick,” she accused back, laughing again, “but yeah, maybe tormented is right.”
“Ahh, already? You’re fucking hopeless too.”
“I know,” she groaned, pressing her head back into the headrest again. “Anyway, what’s this interesting development about?”
“Alright, I got something that will get your mind off your girl, and maybe your ass back here where you belong.”
She didn’t necessarily want to leave. What she told Emmanuel was true — she really was enjoying her job, from working directly with the Chairwoman to set an agenda for the next year’s environmental work to prepping for an upcoming consultation with the federal government on a possible land transfer back to the Tribe.
These were all things she had set out to do when she took the job.
Maybe more than that though, she wanted to protect Juniper from ever experiencing, again, the pain she knew she had caused her.
The residual of that pain is what Juniper had been showing her in every interaction they’d had since the moment they locked eyes that first day.
The worst part was that she knew she deserved it.
She could only figure out two ways to approach her current predicament.
Either she could say she gave the job and her move home her best shot, it didn’t work out, and she was moving back.
Or she could stay and completely shut off whatever she had felt today, whatever that something was, for Juniper’s sake.
There was no future where any combination of staying and exploring that something worked out well in her mind.
“Tell me more.”
“I heard about this cool new opportunity, and I think they would definitely be interested in talking with you about it.”