Chapter 25
Juniper couldn’t have been happier as she plopped down into the seat next to Rowan behind Rowan’s desk.
The four days she’d spent in New York, at the conference, had been some of the most fulfilling and love-filled days of her life.
She sat back and crossed her legs. She looked around the office and sighed in complete contentment.
“You look happy.” Rowan peered over at her.
“So, so happy.”
“That’s good because we have expenditure reports to go over.”
“Ugh,” Juniper groaned. “Let’s do those later.”
“That’s the problem. We keep saying ‘let’s do those later,’ but now’s that later time.”
“Alright,” Juniper conceded. “Pull them up.”
“Would it help if I refuel you with your second cup of coffee first?”
“Ooh, yes.”
Rowan dutifully grabbed her coffee cup, and Juniper watched her adoringly. She moved to Rowan’s seat to get started. She clicked open the first file as an email notification popped up on the bottom right of Rowan’s screen. Her heart dropped into her stomach as her eyes scanned over the words.
Subject: Job Offer Details
Body: Dear Rowan, We were all very excited to get to know you during your interview a few weeks ago…
Juniper frantically clicked the box to launch open the full email.
… We didn’t get a chance to connect in person at the conference to hash out these job details like we’d discussed on the phone.
We know you must have been very busy, what a fantastic presentation, by the way!
As you may remember, this will be a full-time position based in our NYC office.
Let’s set up some time to chat about the rest of the details.
We would love to have Juniper Banks on board too.
Maybe we can work out some kind of part time consulting thing.
Juniper dropped her hands from the keyboard, and her eyes glazed over. Her mouth went dry, and her head started to spin. She wanted to throw up. She wished she could get her body to move so she could leave the room. She wished she could disappear.
“Second cup…” Rowan’s voice trailed off as she paused just inside the room and took in Juniper’s state. “Junie, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
Juniper couldn’t bear to bring her unfocused eyes into focus and look at her. She just stared straight ahead. “You got an email from someone,” she responded with no hint of emotion.
Rowan looked confused and blinked as she shook her head. “Okay?”
“I shouldn’t have opened it,” Juniper barely managed to utter.
Finally the paralysis dissipated, and her body started moving.
Like she was disconnected from her very being, she felt herself stand up and start walking.
She pushed past Rowan and into her office before shutting the door.
She pressed her back into the door as the first tears fell.
Where she was standing still felt too close to Rowan, so she moved further into the room before stopping.
This whole building was too close. She suddenly felt claustrophobic, like everything about this place, her work that had made her feel free now put her inside a cage.
She rushed to her own desk and started packing her stuff back up into her bag.
When she heard the sound of the door open, she furiously wiped at her face.
There was no way to conceal she had been crying, but that shell that had only ever cracked on her twice, both times allowing herself to fall in love with Rowan, was sealing itself back up around the edges.
“Juniper–”
“What?” She snapped before letting her finish.
Rowan crossed over and attempted to grab Juniper’s hand.
“No. Stop,” Juniper pleaded as she pulled away. She took a couple steps back to affirm the distance between them. “Please stop,” she repeated, trying to force a little more resolve into her voice where there still wasn’t any.
“I can explain.”
Despite her best efforts, another round of tears spilled from Juniper’s eyes. These were more from rage than anything else.
“You shouldn’t have to explain anything, Rowan. The email said you already knew. You already knew before we even went to New York! You were hiding this from me the entire time we were there?”
Rowan snapped her eyes shut and squeezed her temples between her forefinger and thumb. She dragged her hand down her face, and Juniper noticed the tears that followed behind. “I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you. I swear to you. I got the call in the airport right as we were boarding and–”
Juniper cut her off. “No, no, no. I’m not doing this at work. Not here. Not where I…” Her voice broke as she looked around at what she’d achieved that would forever be marred by this experience with Rowan. What did anything mean anymore? “I will not allow you to break me again. I won’t do it.”
“I’m not going to break you, please, just listen to me.” Rowan’s begging was laced with panic. “Don’t do this. Don’t shut down. We can talk this through. It’s not what you think.”
Juniper shook her head as she clamped her mouth shut to stifle her burning tears. They locked eyes for what felt like a silent, shattering eternity before Juniper found the courage to speak again.
“I’m going to work from home for the rest of the day. If you really feel the need to talk to me again, you can come to my house later.” Juniper pushed past her. “History fucking repeats itself.”
After a drive home she couldn’t remember, Juniper slammed the front door of her house shut behind her. She dropped her bag down to the floor, followed by her head into her hands.
“Fuck!” She screamed out loud, now balling her hands into fists at her side.
Suddenly her work clothes felt like they were constricting around her, suffocating her with the reminder of all of this forced proximity over the last few months.
If she weren’t forced to interact with her, would she ever have?
Could she have prevented all of this from happening?
Could she have stayed totally closed off where she was comfortable?
Complacent and unfeeling. Protected. Numb.
She stripped off her work clothes and collapsed onto her bed.
She looked in the front-facing camera of her phone, to inspect her aching, red-rimmed eyes.
Even though the self-sabotaging part of Juniper wanted to twist the knife she felt between her ribs, she dropped her phone by her side.
Nothing about opening that up and having access to the pictures she’d taken over the last few months, the texts they’d sent each other, the new memories they’d made could fix anything about the way she felt.
She curled up into her blankets and into herself.
We would love to have you too. Maybe we can work out some kind of part time consulting thing.
Juniper squeezed her eyes shut in embarrassment. What was she? The scraps? Second best? Alternate to the starting player? Always too much, yet somehow never enough.
She didn’t realize she had fallen asleep until she heard a knock at the door.
Her heart lurched from her chest. She didn’t even check herself in the mirror by the front door before she opened it.
She couldn’t give two shits at this point.
Everyone in the world was going to get exactly the Juniper she was going to give them.
The completely stripped down, bare, vulnerable-at-the-core version.
As much credit as she’d like to give herself for her ability to close herself off completely, she couldn’t make that cracked shell seal up all the way again.
Bitterness took time to heal. She’d be left exposed to the elements for a while yet.
Anxiety spiked as she opened the door to find Rowan, who was still dressed in her work clothes.
Her shirt was frumpy, and her hair was a mess, like she’d been running her hands through it in frustration all day.
Her eyes were so constricted around the edges, it actually pained Juniper to witness. Rowan looked like shit too.
The last time Rowan had left her, she did so without speaking a word of it for fifteen years. If she were going to leave her this time, at least she had the decency to explain herself.
Rowan lifted up a black convenience store bag. “I brought you those strawberry shortcake ice cream bars you love. I realize you probably couldn’t care less about this right now… I just didn’t know what to do with myself while I waited for the gas to pump. Please just talk to me Juniper. Please.”
Juniper softened despite her best efforts to remain hard. She rolled her eyes and sighed. “You know I never turn those down. Damnit, Rowan.”
“I promise I’m not acting like that’s going to fix anything.” She shook her head in reassurance, like her words needed to be underscored by any other gesture she could fathom to prove her point.
“I know. Come in.”
Juniper grabbed the bag and walked over to the freezer to put the extras away. It looked like Rowan bought out the entire store.
“Do you want one?” She called back to her.
“I got some of those creamsicle ones.”
“Gross.”
Rowan chuckled. “I know.”
“Do you want to sit on the back porch?” Juniper asked.
“Wherever you want.”
Juniper tossed the empty packages in the trash and followed Rowan to the steps on the back porch. She handed her the ice cream.
“Cheers,” she said, tapping it against hers.
Rowan smiled weakly. “Cheers.”
They sat there for a minute before Rowan cleared her throat.
“So, I wanted to explain what you saw earlier.”
“Okay…”
Juniper flipped her ice cream over to eat the other side before it melted.
The weather had definitely shifted to the warm humidity of early summer, the wet salt air of the coast bearing down on her skin.
Instead of feeling oppressive, it felt comforting.
It wrapped its weight around her and held her.