Chapter 1 #2
There's a solid black one named Georgia.
A Burmese, black-eyed honey gerbil with a rich, deep liver-brown coat named Ghana.
My cream-colored or golden fawn gerbil with red eyes named Greece.
Grenada looks like a Siamese cat; she's got this pale cream body with distinct brown shading on her nose, ears, and tail.
And then I've got Germany, the feistiest one out of the bunch.
She's the regular old golden agouti, the classic brown wild color with a white belly.
Probably the kind of color you see on field mice or wild rodents like squirrels.
Funny, even though she's really feisty, I really love her.
She seems to say things that I've always wanted to say.
I have a crazy imagination. So, yes, I imagine that my gerbils talk to me. They all have their own voices, probably compartmentalizing parts of myself into them. They're my only friends. I know it might sound pathetic to anyone else, but if you're not an introvert, you wouldn't understand.
The last thing I wanna do is deal with people, especially the kind of people that I have to deal with around Daniel's group.
The neighbors around here are all snobby.
They'll look at you and they'll say, "Hi, how are you?
" but they do it in that weird, plastic smile way that makes it look like it hurts to smile on their faces.
It's very uncomfortable. And then you have to do the same plastic smile back, and both of you have to sit there talking about the weather as if you actually care about talking about the weather. It's exhausting.
I do everything I can to hide from people. When the doorbell rings, I just disappear somewhere in the house and pretend I'm not there, unless Danny's home.
The gerbils look up at me as I reach my hand in, and they all climb up my arm. They know when they're supposed to go in their little pink enclosure and when to come out.
"Finally, we were waiting all day for you to take us out," Georgia says in her little esoteric British accent.
"I'm really sorry," I reply.
"You don't seem like you're sorry," Grenada says. "You seem like you're sad, actually."
"She's always sad. She's pathetic. Look at her," Germany chimes in. "She's giving us voices and talking to us."
"Wow," I say, shaking my head as I walk through the house with them, just finding things to do.
"You should take a nap," Ghana says. "I love taking naps. It helps the world go by a lot faster."
"That's called laziness," Georgia snaps.
"Well, there's nothing else to do, so a nap seems best."
"No, don't take a nap," Greece says nervously. "Anything could happen if you take a nap. What if you take a nap and then you wake up and your face is gone?"
Georgia sighs. "What is the matter with you?"
"Everything! Can you blame me? I was attacked."
"How many times do we have to tell you, you were not attacked? You fell because you leapt out of her arms."
"Yes, and then I was attacked," Greece insists. "Can you not see?"
"I think you're the one who's blind," Germany fires back.
I laugh, because this is the only way I have to entertain myself. As I sit on one of the couches, the gerbils start to make their way around, smelling the area.
"You better not shit on anything," I warn them.
"How dare you," Georgia gasps. "We never."
"Just saying. These couches are white."
"Actually," Georgia corrects, "the couches are beige."
"Can gerbils actually see in color?" I ask.
"Why are you asking us?" Georgia replies. "You're the one giving us voices."
I lick my lips. "So?"
"Why don't you go ahead and tell us what you really wanna talk about?" Georgia asks.
"Wait, what do you mean?" Grenada chimes in.
"Her mate," Georgia says. "The one that's never here. The one that hates us."
"He doesn't hate you," I say.
"Well, he clearly hates you."
"Well, that's not very nice, is it?" I tell Georgia as I scratch her head gently. She licks my finger, probably having no idea what the heck is going on.
"Is everything alright?" Ghana asks. "Is he the reason you're sad?"
"Yeah," Grenada agrees. "What happened, and why does he always leave?"
"I told you, he has work."
"But a mate must always make time for his female," Georgia insists. "Even I know that."
"What would you know?" I shoot back. "You guys have never had mates before."
"I had one mate before," Georgia says. "You saw me with him when you took me from the pet store."
"I'm so sorry. I didn't want any males, but now I feel kind of bad."
"It's not all it's cracked up to be," Georgia admits.
"Yeah," Germany adds. "Especially seeing what you're going through. If males are just there to throw you away the minute that they breed you, then no thanks."
"Speaking of breeding," Grenada asks, "how come you guys don't have little pups?"
That's actually a good question.
"I'm on birth control," I tell them.
"What's that?" Grenada asks.
"It's where you're not ready for a baby and, yeah."
"Does your mate know this?" Georgia asks.
"Yes, he knows. He's asked me to get off it a few times, but I'm glad I didn't."
"Don't you think that maybe the reason why he bangs you and leaves is because you're not giving him children?" Germany asks.
"If that's the reason why he leaves me and why he treats me like that, how do you think us having children is gonna make that better?" I throw back at Germany.
"I mean, you'd have children," Germany shrugs. "That's a plus to me."
"With an absentee father? No thanks. I know what it's like to grow up without a father, and I don't wanna give that to my kids."
"What do you mean?" Germany argues. "You have this large house, everything you could ever want. He tells you that you can go anywhere you want, do anything you want, and you're still complaining."
"You're right," I say, laying my head back and shrugging my shoulders. "I shouldn't complain, right? But I don't know."
"It is quite a beautiful home," Georgia observes. "A little too big for my taste."
"I imagine everything would be too big for you since you're gerbils."
"Why don't you invite some friends over?" Ghana suggests. "Maybe you can be sad together."
"No, that's scary," Greece whispers. "You can't trust anyone. What if they don't have your best interest at heart?"
"Or what if you make a friend so you don't feel so lonely?" Georgia counters.
"You know, when you have a man and you wanna make love to him... you can be with as many friends as possible and still feel lonely."
"Nonsense," Georgia snaps. "My sisters are here. I'm so happy that I have them in my life. I would never trade them for a male."
"Speak for yourself," Germany says. "I wanna get my back blown out."
Georgia gasps. "How dare you!"
"Ew, disgusting," Grenada groans.
"What's disgusting about it?" Germany fires back. "Do you know the feeling of when a nice pink dick slides deep inside you?"
"Alright, that's enough," Georgia commands.
All the gerbils start talking over each other, and I laugh. My heart feels lifted for just one second, and then, I start feeling sleepy.
"You know, you guys always make me feel better," I say.
"What you should be doing is going to a therapist," Germany tells me.
"Look at what you're doing. You're talking to gerbils.
We can't understand what you're saying. We're grooming ourselves, looking for a way to jump off this couch, and you're talking to us about your human man that you're married to, who doesn't want you and leaves you in this house all by yourself and treats you like you're not married. "
"It wasn't always like this, you know," I murmur.
"I'm sure," Germany replies.
"Do you think he's faithful?" Greece asks.
That's the question I don't wanna ask.
"Okay, it's time to go back in the enclosure," I say.
"Go ahead. Call it what you need to call it," Georgia rolls her eyes. "Cage."
"I don't like calling it that."
"Can we stay out a little bit more?" Germany asks. "It's not our fault you're sad."
"I can't leave you guys out by yourselves, and he will shit himself if he comes back and sees you out."
"You know damn well he's not coming back for now," Germany points out.
"Yeah," Ghana agrees. "When he leaves, he leaves for a long time."
"Yeah, I noticed that he's actually away more than he's home," Grenada sighs. "You poor thing, Melody. You must be so lonely. If only you could become a gerbil like us. We'd have fun."
"Yeah," I say, feeling sadder.
I scoop up my friends, the only friends that I have, and I put them back in their enclosure. They look up at me through the bars.
"Hey. Aren't you gonna give us the thing?" Germany demands.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry."
I take out a dog treat and put it in there.
For some reason, they love them very much, so who am I to deny my babies what they want?
I know gerbils don't live very long, and they're already one and a half years old.
I'm going to cry my skeletal system clean out of my eyes when it's time to let them go.
And now, I wanna go find my room and sleep.
Lying down on the bed, our bed, it feels cold. Daniel is hardly ever in it. I hate this. I feel like I'm not married. I feel like I'm some pet cat that someone leaves home when they go on vacation.
"Go ahead. Do whatever you want. Entertain yourself," he's told me on multiple occasions.
When I'm sad, it's like he doesn't pick up on it, and then I actually have to tell him directly how I feel, which always starts a fight.
And I was being truthful, it wasn't always like this.
Or maybe someone that you meet shows you the best version of themselves, and then the mask drops once they get you.
That's how I feel. And I can't help but wonder if he's out there making someone else feel as special as he made me feel when we first met, back when we were just getting to know each other.
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