Chapter 36
36
CLAIRE
It was gone.
I blinked in disbelief a couple of times. The box had definitely been in the vestibule for a day and a half. I saw it when I got home last night, and my heart had sunk. I knew it was a dumb idea, but that was the first moment I realized it might not work.
I’d ordered the tea a few days after I got home, once I realized Hudson wasn’t going to respond to my call. I hated tea, but it was the first thing I found that had a quick delivery. This one had promised to come the next day and had been ten percent off. It was a no-brainer. As in I think I’d lost my mind when I did it. But I needed to see Hudson.
And now the box was gone, but Hudson hadn’t come. I’d convinced myself he would show up at my door, just as I had with his box. I’d apologize and we would talk and then Hudson North would hold my face in his hands and lean forward until his forehead touched mine. In my fantasy he’d say, “Christ, you’re beautiful,” as he had so many times before. And we would kiss.
But the box was gone and Hudson hadn’t come, and I let out a slow, sad sigh, realizing we were over for good.
Work had been interminably long today, just as it’d been yesterday, but at least today was Friday. Still, all I could think about since I’d found the box missing yesterday morning was Hudson. It was possible he hadn’t taken it. Perhaps I’d been right all along, and untended boxes drew thieves. Maybe my box had been stolen. I could take solace, at least, in knowing they would be stuck with disgusting tea.
And part of me would rather know thieves were stealing boxes from the building than that Hudson had seen the box and didn’t want to see me.
Hiking my bag higher on my shoulder and straightening my coat, I pulled open the door to the vestibule and stopped in my tracks. It couldn’t be. I approached slowly, my stomach twisting violently the closer I got. It was in the exact same spot I’d first seen it, untouched, unopened, as if I’d imagined the past two days. Claire Davis. I hadn’t ordered anything else. It was my tea.
I picked up the box, and without thinking charged ahead into the elevator, pressing the button for five. I didn’t give myself any time to think through what I was doing. As the elevator ticked up…One…Two…Three…I pictured Hudson picking up the box and then returning it and I fumed…Four…Five. The elevator lurched and the doors slid open.
I headed down the hall and pounded on his door, then stood, the box pressed tightly to my chest, my brow knitted miserably. I heard footsteps, then the click of the lock. And there he was. It was as if I’d forgotten how handsome he was, and seeing him now, like this, sucked all the breath out of me. “Hi, Claire.”
The words were too kind. It disarmed me. “Hi, Hudson.”
“You got your box.”
“It’s tea.”
“I didn’t know you like tea,” he replied mildly.
“I don’t. It was the first thing I found that had next day delivery,” I admitted. He was blinking at me, confusion written all over his face, and I continued talking, my voice dropping as I told him the whole truth. “I thought if you saw the box you’d bring it to me.”
“I took it,” Hudson said. “I wanted to bring it to you.”
“But you didn’t,” I said, the words like ash in my mouth. I knew he’d already made his decision, I just couldn’t accept it.
“It’s not that simple, Claire.”
I glanced down. The box remained clutched to my chest but I didn’t need to see the floor to know it was industrial gray carpet tiles, same as on my floor. “Well, I just wanted a chance to say I’m sorry, I guess.”
“I am, too.”
I knew I should say goodbye, walk away, and move on with my life, but my feet wouldn’t move. “If I walk away we’ll be done, and I don’t want to be done, Hudson.”
He didn’t tell me to go, but he didn’t move out of his doorway to invite me in, either. Instead, he sighed heavily, rubbing one cheek where his beard was growing in more than I’d seen it before. “You don’t trust me, Claire.”
“I never really told you much about Dan,” I said.
“I wouldn’t have expected you to,” he replied.
Ignoring him, I continued, “I got together with Dan in college and I was sure we’d do all the…things” I shifted the box in my hands and Hudson took it from me, slinging it easily under one arm. I lifted my fingers, enumerating as I spoke, “I thought we’d get married, buy a little starter house in Bridgeport, have kids, take vacations, buy minivans—the whole nine yards,” I finished with a wave, as if I were swiping the ideas away. “I was so naive. I pictured all the things like a mental Instagram feed—pretty little pictures, and they were, but that’s all they were.
“I never actually pictured what life would be like with Dan. I didn’t picture the day-to-day stuff. I thought I was in love with Dan, but I was in love with a picture.” I shook my head. “I don’t know how to explain. When we were together, Dan was my real life, but every minute felt pretend…” I trailed off.
“But so were we.”
I shook my head, wishing I had the words to get across everything I wanted to say, but now that I was in front of Hud it seemed impossible to think of the words to show him how much I cared. “That’s not true,” I said, the tremble in my voice belying my firm tone. “When I brought you home it was pretend, and I was nervous about getting caught, but I didn’t feel scared. It’s not scary when it’s pretend, Hudson. But when I saw Dan at the wedding—and then Grant fucking God-knows-who—and I remembered how easy men can lose interest, how quickly I can become boring?—”
“You’re never boring, Claire,” he interrupted.
“Of course I am, Hud,” I whispered, deflating, “You just aren’t seeing it yet.”
“Claire—” he interjected, but I put up a hand, stopping him.
“No, no, I don’t need you to reassure me, Hud, because after you left, I realized the terror was one side of a coin. But the other side was happiness, contentment, comfort. I had all that with you, and I’ve never felt like that before.”
“Claire,” he said quietly, the word pained.
“Hear me out,” I said quickly. “My family is loving but kind of demented. I like data and documentaries and nonfiction books. There’s nothing exciting about me. And I’m scared and I’m damaged and I have a hard time trusting. And I’m acknowledging all that so you know I know how big what I’m going to ask you to do is.”
For a long moment he said nothing, but I let the silence hang, having a hard time getting the words up out of my throat. “Which is?” Hudson asked finally.
I frowned, opening and closing my mouth a few times. “Forgive me? And be patient with me? You said—you said I didn’t feel the way you do, but Hudson, the only one I want is you. And feeling that way is so scary, but the scariest part is the idea I could lose you, and I already did that. I did that and I’ve been miserable and I bought tea I don’t want to drink so you’d find the package and come see me, and I tried to watch your videos but I can’t find them?—”
“I took them down.”
“Why?” I asked.
“For you,” he said simply. “I knew you didn’t like them, and I had some downtime at the wedding while the bridal party was taking all those pictures, so I deleted the account.”
“Oh,” I said, the little word popping out of my mouth. I inhaled deeply. “It’s probably for the best. It’d be harder to get over you if I were watching your thirst traps twenty-four hours a day.”
“You’ve said a lot today, Claire,” he said, and it was true. I felt like I’d bared my soul, and yet I still stood in the hall outside Hudson’s unit.
One shoulder bobbed, and I swallowed. “That’s another annoying thing I do,” I acknowledged.
“It’s not annoying,” he said absently. “I kind of love it, actually.” I inhaled hard, the breath catching in my chest. “I love when you talk about data and documentaries and, Claire, you are exciting. My heart just about thumps out of my chest every time you smile at me.”
A beat passed between us, then my hands were fisting in his sweatshirt, tugging him closer, but the box remained a barrier and he dropped it on the floor of his apartment behind him. My bag was still on my shoulder, but we were both otherwise unencumbered, and Hudson stepped closer, lifting my chin with tender fingers while his forehead dipped to touch mine. I breathed deeply, inhaling him in, and he whispered, “I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you, Claire.”
“Hudson,” I moaned, but the word was swallowed up in his kiss. Slow and tender, his mouth moved over mine, his tongue slipping against the seam of my lips until they opened in answer, and my tongue found his with a soft glide. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted Hudson to last forever. I let the bag slip from my shoulder so I could bury both hands in his hair, pulling him closer even while I tilted his head down to kiss him deeper. Hudson’s arms snaked around me, wrapping tight until there was no distance left between us. He was all I could feel and see and taste and smell. He was everything.
“I missed you,” he murmured as our lips parted and my hands settled one on his jaw and the other on his shoulder.
“Me too,” I replied, then said, “What if we could start over?”
“Start over?” he asked, his brow knitting.
I nodded. “Yeah. Imagine if we’d gotten stuck in that elevator and I hadn’t asked you to come to Nora’s wedding. What if I just knocked on your door and asked your name, instead?”
He hesitated for a moment, then let his arms fall, taking a step back into his apartment. I regretted my words immediately, but he didn’t back away, he simply tilted his body to allow me entry. “I’m Hudson North, apartment 5L.”
I straightened my shoulders. “I’m Claire Davis, apartment 4G, and I think I’m in love with you.”
Hudson grinned, reaching out a hand and pulling me into the apartment. “Excellent pick-up line,” he said and kicked the door closed behind us as our bodies met.