CHAPTER SIX CHRIS
CHAPTER SIX
Chris
I tap my fingers on my desk as my screen goes blank. I waited a few seconds for Lexie to reply and, when no reply came, my phone locked. I did feel this deep sense of regret after I said no. Her words played in my mind while I waited. I wasn’t expecting that.
I’m grinning from ear to ear. I wonder what she’s up to. I might leave it a while before I start a conversation back up again. I don’t want to look too keen. Although I’ve already shown how keen I am by inviting her to get on a plane with me. In hindsight, this was the act of a crazy person, because I am not that impetuous – ever. I’m thoughtful and methodical. Lexie caught me off-guard. How I felt in her company was something I’d never experienced before.
Asking her to come with me to New York was a strange choice, but it felt so right, so right. Though I’m at work now. And having to go to work was a detail I conveniently forgot when I was casually throwing around overblown romantic gestures. Although it wasn’t casual, not really. I meant it.
This feeling is so new to me. And maddening. Not least because Lexie is halfway across the world, but also because having only just been dumped a few months ago and getting over the general bafflement of that, there are things I had planned here, places I wanted to see, things I wanted to do, a life I wanted to build. It was a life I had envisaged for myself when I moved here, but it didn’t happen. I fell into a relationship, of sorts, too quickly. And that meant falling into step with another person’s life. Evenings spent with her friends because I had yet to make any. Weekends doing what she suggested because I didn’t know my way around the city enough to scout out the kind of places I might like to visit. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do. I still don’t. Not really.
It’s easy to be led when you’re in a couple. And can you truly know who you are when you rely on another person so heavily? Then there was Big Talk with Lexie. Having a plus-one on my arm would have inhibited me from meeting and spending time with her. I need to be by myself for a while. It’s essential for my own well-being.
But I also needed to connect with Lexie again. Just to say hi. I couldn’t stop myself, even though I know falling for Lexie feels like it’s not supposed to happen now – not from such a distance. And especially not when I feel so unsure of my life here in New York. I told her another time, another place, and I meant it. We left each other at the wedding knowing it was a non-starter or she’d have come with me, right?
So now is my chance. I’m going to live my life how I want to. Just for a while. I’m going to book in activities at weekends and after work and, finally, I’m going to work out who I want to be.