CHAPTER 45
Declan
I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know where to go.
I’m supposed to be going somewhere, but I can’t think clearly enough to remember where.
I stand in the snow outside Summer’s cabin and look out into the darkness. My coat is open, but I don’t feel the cold. Or maybe I do and that’s why I’m shivering.
No. That’s not why I’m shivering.
Get it together, Declan.
Focus. Breathe. Fucking fix it.
I know where I’m going now. I get in the car and drive to Evander’s place. I walk into his house without knocking, even though it’s late. The house is dark except for candlelight. There are candles everywhere.
I see a shadow in my peripheral vision and sidestep as Evander leaps at me. He misses, but barely. His body slams against the wall.
“It’s me, asshole,” I mumble. “Not the Russians.”
“Dammit, Declan!” Evander growls. “You can’t bust into a man’s home at this time of night! What the fuck were you thinking?”
Just then I notice he’s wearing tailored slacks and a black cashmere turtleneck. In the middle of the night. He’s put together even when he’s not supposed to be put together. I’ll never understand him.
“It’s Yosemite Ranch,” I say. “Communal property.”
“My home is my property. What do you want?” he growls again.
Out of the darkness, Phoebe appears. She walks around Evander and comes right to me. She hugs me tightly, and even though she’s half my size, I’m grateful for the physical support. I’m having a hard time standing upright.
She holds me like this for a long time. Finally, I take a deep breath and exhale. When I do, she steps out of the embrace. “I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this, Declan,” she says.
“Going through what?” Evander scowls.
I look to Phoebe, and she shakes her head to assure me Evander doesn’t know. “It is privileged information, Declan. I would never. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”
“Want to what?” Evander reaches for the light switch. We all blink against the sudden brightness. He stares at me, then Phoebe.
She takes my hand. “Come and sit down with me. Evander, go get Declan a glass of water and put a teaspoon of sugar in it, please. Better still, get him a Coke.”
He’s standing there like a dolt. “I don’t drink Coke.”
“I do, and there’s a sixteen-pack in the pantry. Hurry up. And bring him a glass of ice for it.”
Phoebe literally snaps her fingers, and Evander shuffles into the kitchen, but not before he gives me a threatening glance, as if to tell me that, yes, he’s pussy-whipped but not pussy-whipped enough that he wouldn’t kick my ass if I called him on it.
I don’t have the time or energy to call him on anything. I’m joked out. I couldn’t find a snarky retort with radar and a military-grade searchlight.
I’m dimly aware that I’m sitting on the couch. Phoebe sits on the ottoman facing me, and grabs my hands in hers, tightly.
“I appreciate that you were there after the accident, Phoebe,” I say.
“Me too. I’m just glad we landed right before it happened. I had Evander take me directly to the hospital and I clocked in.”
Evander returns with the Coke and a glass of ice, then sits next to me on the sofa. “Is this about Summer? I thought she was fine, that they discharged her.”
I nod. Phoebe’s still gripping my hands in hers. I don’t have the strength to tell him, so I change the subject. “So did you two elope, or what?”
Phoebe smiles and looks at Evander. “Nothing official, but Evander set up all these over-the-top romantic adventures for us. You know how he is.”
“Nope.” I shake my head and stare at my older brother. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Evander snarls at me.
“He arranged for us to have beautiful commitment ceremonies on every continent.”
“Except Antarctica,” Evander says.
“Right.” She pats one of my hands. “I felt awful when I heard that Jamie and Cal made you chase after us. We should have made it clear what we were doing.”
“It was nobody’s business,” Evander snaps. “Now tell me what the fuck is happening. You’re starting to freak me out, Declan.”
I raise my eyes to Phoebe and nod. “Tell him,” I whisper. “Everyone’s going to find out anyway.”
Phoebe takes a deep breath and straightens before she looks at Evander. “Summer has another condition that may be life-threatening. There’s been no formal diagnosis, but everyone is quite concerned. I think maybe Declan stopped by because he needs to talk about the prognosis.”
“What?” Evander looks to me and I look away. “What condition? What prognosis?”
I don’t have the strength to speak. I don’t want to talk about her condition. I don’t want any of this to be real. I want to rewind to right before Summer’s accident. I’m a tech guy. Why can’t I invent something to turn back time to happier times?
All I know is that I can’t do this. I can’t live through this. It’s too much, and I can’t face it.
“Declan, the most important thing is that there’s no definitive diagnosis yet. Just the scan. But the big doctors who are supposed to know about these things think it’s, in fact, that one certain thing. So let’s assume they’re right, just for the moment.”
“What’s that one certain thing?” Evander smacks his palms on his trousers.
“Cancer,” Phoebe says. “It looks like Summer has ovarian cancer.”
I hear Evander suck in air. He goes rigid next to me.
“Here. Drink.” Phoebe hands me the Coke, and I surprise myself when I down it in one gulp. I didn’t even know I was thirsty.
I think I forgot where I was.
“I did some research of my own,” Phoebe continues, “and if the doctors are right, then yes, the average survival is about eighteen months.”
I feel Evander’s hands grip my shoulders and my head suddenly snaps up. “Whoa, little brother. You were going over.”
He’s right. I was going over. The glass fell from my hand onto the floor, and I nearly fainted. My body can’t handle the news any more than my mind can.
Shrugging out of Evander’s hold, I stand.
“Thanks,” I say. I head for the door.
“Declan, we love you,” Phoebe says. “We love Summer. And I’m here whenever you want to talk.”
“Thanks.” I put my hand on the doorlatch, freeze, and then spin around to face them. “She doesn’t want me near her. Did I tell you that? She just told me to leave, to give her time alone, so that’s what I’m trying to do. And it’s killing me.”
I watch Evander move to Phoebe’s side and pull her tight. They’re both looking at me like I’m a basket case. They’re right.
“Declan, if you have more questions, I’ll try to get the answers for you.”
Phoebe is so sweet. Evander is so lucky that his woman is healthy and at his side.
I do have more questions. A lot of them.
I need to know if Summer will let me in her life for whatever time she has left. I want to know why this is happening to her. I want to know what fucked-up universe would allow this to be the fate of someone so decent and funny and beautiful and loving.
“No, that’s all my questions. Thanks.”
I leave the house, forgetting to close the door. But I don’t have the strength to go back.