CHAPTER 47
Summer
“Would you like me to get Declan?” Emma asks, sniffling.
“No,” I sob. “I’ve let him go!”
“What does that even mean, ‘let him go’?” Victoria asks, crying.
“Hey, let’s get you up,” Phoebe says. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go to the couch.”
I feel myself being lifted and balanced, then guided to the couch. My coat and boots are removed, and a blanket is pulled up under my chin.
Phoebe lifts my arm from under the blanket and uses her smartwatch to take my pulse. Victoria stokes the fire. Emma brings me a nice little plate of fruit, fancy cheese, and freshly baked sourdough bread.
“So,” Victoria says, picking up where she left off. It’s one of her skills. She sits on the coffee table to interrogate me. “Tell us what you meant by ‘I’ve let him go.’”
This bread is so delicious. I shove another piece in my mouth while they all stare at me.
“I refuse to be a burden to him,” I say with my mouth full. I finally swallow. “He didn’t ask for this and I refuse to force it on him.”
“Declan loves you, sweetie,” Victoria says. “That boy’s a mess. He wants more than anything to be with you.”
“Nope. He doesn’t want this.” I set the plate on the edge of the coffee table. Emma hands me a few tissues and I nod in thanks, then blow my nose.
“How do you know what he wants?” Phoebe asks. “Have you even asked him?” She rests the back of her hand against my forehead. I think the girl’s checking to see if I have a fever.
“I don’t have to ask him. Doesn’t matter anyway, because I won’t put him through this kind of Fault in Our Stars shit.”
“Here’s some peppermint tea,” Emma says, sitting down on my other side. She drapes an arm around my shoulders.
“Are you experiencing any abdominal pain?” Phoebe waits for me to answer.
“Not really.”
“And your head?”
“Still pounding.”
“That’s to be expected.”
“Can we circle back to the core issue, please?” Victoria asks in her killer boss-lady voice.
“Wait a minute,” Emma says. “A person can’t be expected to have a conversation without something nutritious in her stomach.” She moves the box of stale granola out of sight.
“The patient’s wellbeing is always the core issue,” Phoebe adds.
“Anywho,” Victoria says. “Declan is a grown man who doesn’t need protecting. He’s a damn Navy SEAL, Summer. He can make his own decisions about what he can and cannot handle and what he wants, and what he wants more than anything is to be by your side.”
“I won’t be pitied. Not by him. I couldn’t deal with that.”
“Pity?” Phoebe asks. “Sweetie, he doesn’t pity you. He might share in your pain, but that’s not pity. He loves you.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
Emma squeezes me tight. “Summer, love is the only thing that matters.”
“Seems we’ve reached a consensus,” Victoria says. “You’ll just have to figure out if you love him. The health shit is a totally separate issue. It’s a challenge, yes, but the only thing you need to do right now is decide if you love him. So, do you love him, or not?”
“A challenge? I’m fucking dying!”
“You don’t know that with any certainty!” Victoria yells.
“That’s true—you have only a preliminary diagnosis,” Phoebe says.
“See?” Victoria nods to Phoebe before she returns her no-nonsense gaze to me again.
“And in the meantime, you’re not dead, Summer.
Right this second, you’re very much alive and breathing.
And right this second, there’s a man down there who loves you so much that he’s cracking into pieces because you've pushed him away.”
“Do you love him?” Emma asks.
“Are you all nuts? Of course I love him! I’ve loved Declan since the day I showed up here. But I…” I can’t quite remember the rest of my argument. “I just don’t want to hurt him.”
“He’s already hurting and so are you,” Phoebe says, placing a loving hand on my shoulder. “Summer, let me ask you a question. And don’t get angry at me.”
I rear back. Who could ever be angry at Phoebe Travis? She’s Nevada’s version of Mother Theresa.
“What if the situation were the other way around?” she asks me.
I sputter out a laugh. “Okay, that’s not a fair question.”
She gets right up in my face. “You will answer this. What if you were to learn that Declan has a serious illness? Let’s say he needs heart surgery.”
I shake my head, refusing to play this game. But Phoebe’s not backing off.
“You’ve just received the news, and your husband turns to you and says, ‘You know what, Summer? I know you thought you loved me but that was back when I was healthy, so why don’t you go find some other dude to love while I go off by myself to have open-heart surgery?
’ How would you feel? Would you be okay with leaving him to face all the fear and uncertainty alone? ”
“Of course not.”
“I rest my case.”
“But if I were okay with it, he wouldn’t be alone. He’d still have his family.”
“You’re his family, Summer!” Phoebe snaps.
“And he’s your family,” Emma adds. “You're his wife. Let your husband love you and help you carry the weight of the uncertainty and grief. Love each other through whatever comes.”
I feel something break apart in my chest. I begin to tremble, and I completely lose it, crying like I’ve never cried in my life. My sisters gather around once more, hold me, and cry with me again. I don’t know how much time goes by when I reach the point that I can’t cry anymore.
Victoria sits up and takes a deep breath. “Anyway, you’re a MacLaine now, Summer. And you know the MacLaine family motto…”
“‘Leave no man behind,’” Emma says, proud of herself.
“Wait. I thought it was ‘go big or go home,’” Victoria says.
“Actually, it’s a Latin saying,” I correct them both. “Vincere Vel Mori, which means ‘Conquer or Die.’”
Everyone stares at me.
“Screw all that fancy shit,” Phoebe says, already giggling. “We know what it really is—‘are you going to eat that’?”
All of us double over in laughter. Victoria rolls off the coffee table, which makes us laugh even harder.
We make coffee and enjoy Emma’s delicious breakfast. The sun is up by the time everyone leaves. One by one they hug me, and I assure them that I’ll reconsider. But I ask that they give me a little space while I think it through.
I wave goodbye and watch them drive off. When I close the door and turn back to the front room of my cabin, I’m struck by how big and empty it looks.
Because Declan’s not here.