Chapter 10
TEN
“I took the coward’s way out when I left for New York.
I left early, before anyone was awake. Then I didn’t have to say goodbye.”
—excerpt from the unpublished memoir,
Darling, I Must Say by Gloria Hayes
That night, I lay in bed and tried to sleep. All I could think about was my big mouth agreeing to babysit Hallie like I didn’t have five hundred other things to worry about. But those brown eyes staring up at me had been my breaking point. You’d have to be a monster to say no to her.
I needed to remember that. Because that kid could easily talk me into taking a twenty-hour detour to Disneyland. Must teach her to use her powers for good.
Since sleep didn’t seem to be happening any time soon, I pulled up that job article on my phone. At least I could work on my future. Step two read: “What you don’t want in a job.” That was easy enough.
Office jobs
Being an information pusher without the ability to really help
Being micromanaged
Strict dress codes (I should be able to wear jeans whenever I want)
When the meeting could have been an email
I stared down at the list and waited for a sign, a flash of lightning, an incoming email with an offer for the perfect job I hadn’t even applied for. Sadly, none of those things happened. Instead, I startled when my phone buzzed with a text.
It was almost one in the morning, but I knew who it was. I shouldn’t even look at the message but I couldn’t stop myself. It was like some sick obsession.
Aidan: Hey, you awake?
These late-night texts had been constant, even after we’d broken up. Especially after we broke up. At first, I’d cherished each one. He hadn’t forgotten about me, I told myself. I was still important to him.
After the break-up, we went on as though everything was normal.
Or at least Aidan did. I was determined to show him that I wouldn’t be one of those clingy, sobbing ex-girlfriends.
A part of me thought we’d get back together.
All we had to do was get through school and we’d pick up where we left off.
Until she came along.
At first, she was the “boss’s niece” he was taking to dinner. Then he took her out again and again, and she wasn’t just the boss’s niece; her name was Missy. Aidan had always shared every part of his dating life. Which hadn’t felt great but, hey, we’re friends, right?
He’d talked about Missy differently than the others, though.
There was an excitement in his voice, and he told me in extraordinary detail about their relationship.
Missy had no idea how much I knew about her.
It all made me feel uncomfortable. But if Aidan was happy, so was I.
Because that’s how a real friend would react, I told myself.
Aidan: Irisssssssssss
ME: Hey… can’t sleep?
A second later, my phone rang.
“Talk to me,” Aidan said as soon as I answered.
“Aidan…” We started this when we were dating. He would call me late at night when he couldn’t sleep and ask me to talk to him until he drifted off. It was another thing I knew I shouldn’t be for him anymore.
“Please?”
“Maybe you should ask Missy to do this.”
“But I like the sound of your voice,” he said.
I bit my lip, feeling myself cave. Like always. It was just a phone call. Except it wasn’t just a phone call, was it? It felt far more intimate than that. I must have been quiet for too long because he called my name.
“I’m here.” I sighed, closing my eyes. “I don’t think Missy would be okay with this.”
I wasn’t okay with it. Hanging up the phone was the smart choice. But where he was concerned, I was an idiot and I hated myself for it. In most areas of my life, I wasn’t afraid to tell someone no.
Unless it was Aidan.
“Missy knows,” he said. “She’s fine with it.”
I hesitated. “She knows?”
“Sure. We tell each other everything.”
Everything? The night before he’d proposed to Missy flashed in my mind. He’d come to see me in person. We’d gone on a walk in Legacy Park and there in front of the Legacy Tree, he’d told me he was proposing.
“I’ve got it all planned out,” he’d said, pacing. “I’m taking her to her favorite restaurant and doing it there.”
I’d smiled as a friend would but, inside, it had felt like a punch to my gut. This was happening. Aidan was getting married and it wasn’t to me. I’d jumped up and hugged him. “Congratulations.”
He’d held on tight, longer than he should have. I’d let him. When I’d pulled back, his hands had settled on my shoulders. One of his thumbs had made slow circles on my collar bone.
“Do you ever wonder if we should have tried again? You and me?” he’d asked.
Only all the time. “You’re the one who broke up with me, remember?”
“We could have found a compromise, maybe. If we tried.”
Except it had been his ultimatum and now he was proposing to another woman. And still my heart beat against my ribs wondering if there was still a chance even now.
“It’s too late now… right?” I’d held my breath, waiting for his answer. Surely he’d heard the longing in my voice.
“I love her.” With those words, whatever pieces of my heart were floating around had sort of crumbled in a pile of ashes and wasted dreams.
I’d forced a smile and tried to sound matter of fact and not like he was picking at a scab on an old wound. “You found your person and now you get to marry her. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” I wasn’t sure if I was convincing him or myself.
He’d frowned. “It sounds like you’re saying goodbye.”
“Not goodbye,” I’d insisted. “Just a new season of life, you know? I… I’m happy for you.”
His dark eyes had held my gaze, and he’d taken a small step forward. When I didn’t move, he’d taken another. Before I’d understood his intentions, he was kissing me. Not a sweet, gentle goodbye kiss, either.
It had taken me a few seconds to react. After pushing him away, I’d scrambled backwards and touched my lips with trembling fingers. “What was that?”
He’d looked almost as shocked as me. “I thought you wanted me to kiss you.”
“Did I say, ‘Hey, you should kiss me’?”
“No. No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He’d held up his hands and closed the gap between us. “That was incredibly stupid.”
That had hurt. I was a regret now, an incredibly stupid regret. The back of my eyes had stung with unshed tears, and panic had rushed through me; he could not see me cry.
I’d forced myself to smile. “I think I’m going to walk home.”
“Don’t do that,” he said quickly, sounding almost panicked. “I’ll drive you back.”
“No, it’s a nice day.” It was, in fact, not a nice day. The dark clouds looming over us signified a good ole Texas rainstorm was about to split the sky. I’d socked him lightly on the shoulder… like a friend. “Um, good luck with the proposal. Text me and let me know how it goes.”
Without waiting for a reply, I forced myself to walk calmly to the parking lot, past his car, and down the gravel road to the street.
The rain started ten minutes later while I was waiting for Mae to pick me up.
I climbed into her car, soaking wet but at least the rain had hidden my tears.
Mae had patted my leg but must have sensed I was on the verge of breaking.
She didn’t ask me once what was wrong and I didn’t volunteer.
Two days later, a dozen pink roses showed up with a note that read “I’m sorry.” And dummy me had forgiven him for messing with my feelings. But I hadn’t forgotten.
Somehow, I doubted Missy knew that story.
“Talk about the weather, anything,” Aidan said, bringing me back to the present. “I don’t care. I just need to hear your voice. I miss you.”
Despite the feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to hang up, I started talking. I didn’t stop until I heard his deep, even breaths of sleep.