42. Quinn
Quinn
The weather is perfect.
The sky is blue, and the humidity is just enough to remind us how close to the ocean we are, but not so warm that it’s sticky.
Allegra’s backyard is decorated softly with fairy lights and tiki torches.
Everyone is seated at cute wooden tables that line a flower petal path leading to a wooden geometric altar draped in lace and lights and more flowers.
Between her gardens and the centerpieces and everything else, there are flowers and greenery everywhere.
The take-away gifts for all the guests are tiny potted succulents.
There are pitchers of sangria and shandy.
There’s a grazing table off to the side covered in a blanket of charcuterie food and speakers set up throughout the yard for music.
It’s simple and romantic, and perfect. As I stand up by the altar along with her sister Clementine and Dustin’s friend Drake and Finn, I focus my entire heart on that, ignoring the jagged beating in my chest.
Because I wasn’t supposed to be here alone.
Because I wasn’t supposed to be Washington Heights forever bachelorette.
Because I never should have fallen in love with Manhattan’s most notorious divorce lawyer.
It’s the worst trope of all time, and as it turns out, tropes don’t work in real life. Opposites are not attracted. Sunshine can’t outshine grumpy. Elizabeth would never have changed Darcy.
Oh god…
That’s my story, isn’t it? Pride and Prejudice gone wrong. Pride and Prejudice and Reality. Pride and Prejudice: The Horror Story. You Can’t Fix Him.
“Are you alright?” Clementine asks, and it yanks me back into the here and now. Allegra will be walking towards us any moment on her father’s arm because he’s a lovely older gentleman who is honored to give her away twice. Talk about a romantic.
“Yeah. Yes. I’m good. Just…”
“I know,” she smiles, oblivious. “I’m trying not to cry, too.”
I force a smile.
It’s not a lie. I am trying very hard not to cry right now.
But unlike Clementine, who is crying for her sister, the centerpiece of this event, I am selfishly crying for me.
Because I can’t look at the lights and the flowers and the chairs and the food and the drinks and the dresses and the tuxes without thinking about my own love story.
Or lack thereof.
I can’t look at any of it without thinking of Reid and how I was actually stupid enough to believe that he could be my happily ever after and that the two of us against all odds could have this epic love story that everyone else would look at and strive to achieve.
The music shifts, and Clementine lets out a tiny squeal. “Here we go…”
My chin quivers, and I force a smile. At least if I cry, people will assume I’m a good person and the tears are for her and not the funeral of my own heart.
The ceremony is perfect. They talk about how they met, about the silly things that happened on their first dates. The quotes are funny and sweet and memorable, and I tuck each one away knowing someday I will appreciate them more.
“Dustin was a hobby mechanic, restoring vintage cars when I met him. He was so nervous on our first date that I would notice his grease and oil-stained hands and be bothered by it that he scrubbed them…with Dawn dish soap and steel wool. Until they bled.” Allegra recaps and the crowd makes an aww sound, infiltrated with giggles.
“Allegra was in her hippie era. She still is, but back then it was…more. One of the first weeks of our marriage, she insisted we eat nothing but green. Green pasta, green salads, green smoothies. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, and that too was very green,” Dustin says, and everyone laughs.
They go on telling stories like this for a solid five minutes before talking about Kimbree, family, friends, and everything else. Then they restate their vows, and my eyes officially fill with tears. And I am proud to say they are for her. For them.
After they kiss, they walk hand in hand to the open space made for dancing and ask everyone to join them.
We all dance to Alex Warren and celebrate not just Allegra and Dustin but love.
And since I have no plus-one, I scoop Kimbree up and sway with her, distracting her from her want for her mama so Dustin and Allegra can have their moment.
She smells like cookies and powder, and my heart aches in another way. Because who knew that I would be not only single at this age but also that I wouldn’t have this yet either?
I plant a kiss on her chubby cheek and let myself cry softly, hoping nobody notices as I cuddle my best friend’s daughter for comfort.
The rest of the ceremony goes as it should.
We pile plates with cheeses and fruits and meats, and breads.
We drink sangria and laugh and talk. We indulge in the tiny personalized cakes which, by the way, were a brilliant idea.
And then, when everyone is boozy and fat and happy, it’s time for speeches.
Clementine goes first, obviously, a long-winded speech about sisterhood. How she looks up to her sister and admires her as a wife, mother, friend, and woman. I tear up again, and again it is for them.
“Alright. That’s enough from me,” she says, walking towards our table and handing me the mic.
I take it with a smile and make my way to the front. “Can everybody see me okay?” I ask. “I’m not very tall.” Everyone laughs and holds thumbs up. “Great. So, I’m Quinn, for anyone who doesn’t know. Otherwise known as Allegra’s best friend–”
“And New York’s Romantic,” someone calls out, and my smile falters slightly, but I make a quick recovery.
“I have known Allegra my entire life. And I can say with unbiased honesty that she has only grown more amazing over time. Allegra is kind and lovely and genuine, and real. Her life is dedicated to the people around her, not just friends and family but everyone she meets. She is part of the reason I opened my nonprofit. Her desire and hunger to help people fall in love and stay in love, and learn the true definition of love is inspiring. And I wouldn’t be where I am today or even the woman I am right now if it wasn’t for her.
And because of all that, I never thought anyone could deserve her.
Until I met Dustin. And I knew. It was serendipitous how quickly I knew.
And outside of my parents’ relationship, love you Mom, I have never met another couple that so perfectly defined love.
It’s honestly because of you two that I believe in love…
” I trail off, blinking at the house as a figure comes around the corner and stands in the back. “...the way I do. Um…thank you…”
I hand the mic off to someone, I couldn’t tell you who, lower my head and make my way through the sea of tables and people.
“That was lovely,” Clementine says as I approach our table, but I don’t sit down. Because I’m not heading to our table. I’m headed to him.
Despite the fact that seeing him threw a rock into my stomach and sent my nerves into an electrical frenzy, I am not on a mission. Because he will not cause a scene at my friend’s party.
“Hey,” he says as I approach, but I literally grab him by the beige suit-clad arm and yank him in the opposite direction.
“Come here,” I snap, jerking him around to the side of the house. Once we are hidden, I let go and cross my arms over my chest.
“You look beautiful,” he says, and I scoff so loudly I am sure everyone heard.
“Are you for real right now?” I snap, doing everything in my power to keep my voice down.
“Yeah. That dress is stunning,” he says, motioning over my floral, flowy, backless dress. In his defense, I do look good. In my defense, he doesn’t get to appreciate that.
“What are you doing here?” I demand, and Reid grows serious.
His blue eyes are dark and intense as they center on me, holding me where I am.
But it’s not like the other day. It’s not a lawyer glare.
It’s a longing gaze. And it’s enough to bring me to my knees.
Of course, I don’t let it. I can’t let it.
“I talked to Michael and Ashley,” he tells me, and for some reason, that’s not what I was expecting.
“You did? Why?” I ask. Then I roll my eyes. “God, are you still trying to convince them to get divorced?”
“No,” he says calmly. “They came to me. To thank me. They think I saved their marriage.”
I laugh again. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not. But also, I’m glad they came to me. Because they made me think. So did Allegra. I’ve done nothing but think since we last talked, Quinn. In fact, I can’t think about anything but us.”
“There is no us,” I cut in. “You’ve made that abundantly clear.”
But Reid keeps going. “I was wrong. I know that doesn’t even begin to cover it, but that’s where I have to start.
Because everything I said to you was so far from the truth, so far from who you are that all I can say is I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I doubted your character. I’m sorry I doubted my own heart and let my fear project my feelings into something else.
I’m just sorry. And I hope you can forgive me. ”
I bite my lip, studying him for a moment.
“I don’t hold grudges,” I finally say. “I think they’re toxic and harm the person holding them more than they do the person being grudged over.
But that said…I don’t know how to move on from this, Reid.
I’ve never been so hurt, so insulted, so misread.
And after everything we went through together, everything we experienced and shared and gave to one another, the idea that you could think I was using you and lying to you… it’s just…” I shake my head.
“I know,” he says, taking a step closer, and I take a step back.
Reid respectfully lets the space exist. “It was wrong. Everything I did and said was wrong. And I see that now. I think Ashley and Mike helped me to see that. I’ve spent so many years playing the victim of my own failed relationship that I have been cynical about every relationship and even the concept of love.
But after talking with them, after going to all those weddings and seeing my friends find love a second time, and after meeting you…
it changed me. It pulled me out of the gutter I’ve been in and opened my eyes to what can be as opposed to what I’ve been through. ”
I tug the tissue from my dress, thankful there are pockets, and dab my eyes.
I can hardly look at Reid. His words are raw and honest, and there isn’t even the slightest hint of arrogance in them.
And yet, I still need that foot of space between us.
Because his soft words, words of realization and humility don’t negate what was said before, what was thought before.
I have spent a lifetime teaching people not only about love but also teaching them what authentic love looks like. I owe myself the same wisdom.
“I don’t think you understand how much you hurt me,” I say.
“I have been nothing but real with you. Nothing but vulnerable and authentic. You didn’t just break my heart with your accusations, Reid.
You attacked me on every level. And you didn’t consider for even a moment that maybe your thoughts were incorrect.
You built a case and went for the kill. And you destroyed me. ”
“I understand,” he nods, his throat audibly tight.
“And you have every right to write me off forever. But I am asking that you don’t.
I am asking that you let me try to mend this.
To try to make it right. To show you that I can and do appreciate you for everything you are, Quinn Delaney.
I love you. And I won’t ever hurt you like that again. ”
My chin quivers as those words hang in the air.
I love you…
And as much as I have wanted to hear them, ached to hear them, they don’t hold the same value as they once would have. So I use every ounce of strength and dignity that I possess to force myself to stand tall.
“I hear you. But I’m sorry, Reid. I can’t,” I tell him and turn to walk away. But then I stop, and a small, sad smirk tugs at one tired corner of my mouth.
“How ironic is it,” I ask, looking back at him. “That just when you’ve decided that you do believe in love after all…that I have given up on it?”
And with that, my chest splits into a canyon, and I walk back to the party and don’t look back.