Chapter Twenty
Chapter Nineteen
JESSA
B eing alone in the treehouse while Ethan ran off to find us something to eat had my brain working overtime. I lay on the blankets, listening to the pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof, thinking about everything that had happened the past few days to get me where I was right then and there.
Was I really about to start dating Ethan? My heart fluttered as I thought about the kisses we’d shared. I’d never experienced that level of passion with Cody. He was a taker. But Ethan was most definitely a giver. I touched my lips, and my cheeks warmed as I remembered the way he slowed down to kiss me, really kiss me, until I was practically desperate for him.
I let out a sigh. My biggest concern with Ethan was that his heart was already wide open when it came to me. His personality was big and bold, and he loved in the same way. But I was the opposite. I had to be cautious so I wouldn’t get hurt. And what if I was incapable of opening my heart to him? I feared his big, open-hearted ways, because if I had to end things, he would get hurt, and that thought almost sent me down the treehouse ladder and out of there before he came back.
But there was something so comforting about the way Ethan cared for me. And I wanted to try with him, even if I wasn’t so sure about happily ever after.
Was it selfish of me to risk hurting him? I couldn’t help it. This guy would not leave my mind, no matter how hard I’d tried to push him out of my thoughts these past few days. He got me all worked up, and sometimes I needed that. But now, I felt all worked up about him in a very different way, and that was something I wanted to explore. I needed to find out what we could be.
I thought about the goofy kid he was when we were younger. Always picking on me. Knowing now that it was because he liked me had me seeing so many situations in a new light.
His face appeared in my mind, and my heart raced when I thought again about his lips on mine, our breaths mingling, his deep voice whispering my name. It had been seven years since I’d been close to a man, and I agreed with what Ethan said earlier. I had to be with the wrong guy to figure out he wasn’t what I wanted at all.
The sound of steps on the ladder below had my heart skipping a beat. Ethan came through the door, took off the backpack he was wearing, sat down next to me with his legs crossed, and started unloading contents from the bag. He laid out plastic bowls containing leftover wedding food—chicken, roast beef, garlic mashed potatoes, green beans, and asparagus—as well as a bag of white cheddar popcorn, and two giant pieces of cake.
“When I said I was hungry, I didn’t mean I needed an entire meal this late at night.” I opened the bag of popcorn and tossed a few pieces at him.
He picked one up and tossed it in the air, catching it on his tongue. His wide eyes flew to mine. “Did you see that? I did it!”
“I saw.” His enthusiasm made me smile.
“I did it! I’m a pro now. You must be my good luck charm.” He grabbed another and tossed it up only to have it bounce off his nose and drop to the treehouse floor.
His shoulders sank, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his adorable frown.
He tossed the popcorn back at me with a cute smirk on his face.
“Anything else in that bag?” I asked.
He removed two champagne flutes from the bag and handed me one then took out a bottle of champagne.
I raised an eyebrow at him. “Trying to get me drunk?”
“Just felt like this night needed celebrating.”
“Didn’t we already spend the entire night celebrating?”
He peeled off the foil and twisted the metal wire until it was loose. “I didn’t mean Ellie and Cooper.” He pushed against the cork with his thumb, and it popped a little too forcefully, darting across the room.
Pop! Crack! Glass shattered as it hit the window pane, and Ethan gasped and covered his mouth with his hand.
“Oh, Ellie is going to kill you.” I jumped up and went to check out the damage. The impact had left a hole in the glass and spiderweb cracks crawling out from the center. Shards of glass were scattered on the deck outside the window, and the wind was blowing the rain in at my face.
“Oops.” Ethan chuckled as he filled our glasses with champagne, and handed me one when I sat down again. “Not like Ellie will be around to notice now that she’s a married lady living in Tennessee. I’ll have it fixed before she comes home again.”
I gave him a little smile. “I know I said this earlier, but you’re a really good brother.”
“She’s my sister. I’d do anything for her.”
“I’m sorry about your remote control plane. I know it meant a lot to you.”
A sweet smile spread across his face. “It did, but you know, I think Dad would’ve been proud of me for taking down that drone today. And if he’d been here, he probably would’ve done the same thing.” He pressed his lips together as sudden tears spilled over.
I reached across between us and touched his arm. “I could see him doing that too.”
He blew out a breath. “Whew! I didn’t expect to get all choked up. Now that the floodgates have opened, all these emotions keep hitting me out of nowhere.”
I held my glass in the air between us. “To your mom and dad.”
He brushed away a rogue tear. “To Mom and Dad.”
We dug into the food after that, wolfing down round two of the wedding menu while we chatted casually about the day. Being there with him felt good and natural.
When we were more than a little full, he held his glass up in the air.
“Now what are we toasting?” I asked.
“To getting to know each other better.” His eyes held mine, and his lips turned up in the sweetest grin.
I clinked my glass against his.
“To us,” he said just as I was taking a sip, which caused me to swallow wrong and have a coughing fit.
He handed me a water bottle, and I took a couple swigs of that, which helped.
“That freaked you out, didn’t it?” He stared into his glass for a few moments then looked up at me. “That’s why we’re up here right now, though, right? Tell me there’s an us now, Jessa, because I want to be with you, and I think you want the same. But I know you’re skittish of relationships, and I don’t want to push you. I can be patient. Heck, I’ve been waiting decades for this. We can go as slow as you want. I just—”
“Do you ever stop talking?” I leaned in so my face was closer to his, and he stared at my mouth. “I’m about to tell you something, but I don’t want you freaking out or doing a happy dance or some other Ethan-ish response.”
He laughed wholeheartedly. “Ethan-ish?”
“Don’t laugh. I’m being serious.”
“I won’t.” He chuckled.
“You are right now.”
He pressed his lips together and pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key.
I breathed in deeply and let it out along with my words. “I do have feelings for you, Ethan.”
His lips parted as he stared at me.
“Strong feelings,” I added.
“I think my heart stopped beating,” he stuttered. “Wait, it started again. Am I hearing things? Am I dreaming?”
“You’re very much awake and alive,” I responded.
His lips formed into an O . “Did I just say all that out loud?”
I chuckled. “Yes, you loon, now let me speak.”
He reached up and touched my cheek with his fingertips. “Talk to me, Jessa.”
“I don’t know how it happened, okay. You were the one I would fight with, and I thought it was because you drove me nuts, but I think all along, I actually liked it. I could give you my best attitude, and you’d give it right back. You didn’t care if I was grumpy with you, and sometimes I needed to be that way. You let me be me. And I realize now, there’s a lot more to you. A lot more to know. A lot more … I want to know.”
“I have feelings for you too.”
I laughed softly. “You don’t say.”
He grinned. “So, what are we going to do about it?”
“Do what you said before. Get to know each other better. See where it goes.”
“Okay. Yes. Let’s do that.” He tapped his fingertips against his knee nervously.
“Are you okay?”
“I guess I was hoping this was how this night would play out, but I wasn’t sure it would. I’m surprised and excited and nervous, and I’m in, Jessa. I’m all in.”
My stomach somersaulted, and I felt both joy and fear and the depth of his expectations for this relationship.
“Should we seal this agreement with a kiss?” He leaned in, and I used my free hand against his chest to stop him.
“Please promise me that if things aren’t working out between us, you’ll tell me. Like, if you realize in a week or a month that I’m not the woman for you, you’ll end it.”
“That won’t—”
I covered his mouth with my hand. “And what if I don’t feel for you what I should? What if I can’t fully let you in? I might hurt you, Ethan.”
He scooched over and put his arm around me, drawing me into his side, and kissing my temple. “Let’s just take this one day at a time. Just two people dating. No pressure about the future. No expectations.”
I snuggled into his side, my head nestled in the curve of his neck and shoulder as I raised my glass. “To us.”
He tapped his glass against mine, and we took a drink.
But as much as I wanted to believe what he said, I knew him and the way he loved, and I wasn’t sure he was capable of no expectations when it came to me.
We lay back on the blankets and pillows again. The rain had faded away a while ago, but the wind still blew outside, and there was a pleasant breeze coming in through the broken window now.
I never knew talking about everything and nothing could be so enjoyable. But with Ethan, I found myself suddenly interested in every word that came out of his mouth.
“ The Empire Strikes Back is arguably the best of all the Star Wars movies,” I said.
“I still like Return of the Jedi . With the Leia reveal and the Ewoks. I mean, how can you not love the cute little Ewoks?”
“I didn’t say I don’t like them or Jedi . I’m saying if I had to choose only one to watch, it would be Empire . And if you’ve forgotten, those Ewoks tried to cook Luke and his friends up for dinner, so … maybe not so cute after all.”
He burst out laughing, which made me smile.
“What character would you be if you were a part of their world?” he asked.
“Are we talking original trilogy or prequels and sequels included?”
“Originals, of course.”
“Boba Fett,” I answered without hesitation.
He laughed. “The bounty hunter, huh? He’s barely in the originals.”
“I like him. He kicks butt.”
“He fell into the Sarlacc pit.”
“But he survived.”
“Who else would you be?” he asked.
“If not him, then Han Solo.”
“Why am I not surprised that you would choose all male characters?”
“Who would you be?” I smirked. “Princess Leia?”
He rolled onto his side to face me. “I’d be the Leia to your Han any day.”
“Of course, you would.” I pushed his shoulder so he was flat on his back again.
“Nah, I think I’d want to be Obi-Wan. There’s so much history with that character and Darth Vader.”
I snorted. “I’m sorry, but you would totally be Yoda. Funny little short dude with pointy ears.”
“Hey!” He hit me with a pillow, and I did the same to him.
“Might I remind you, Yoda was one of the most powerful Jedis that ever lived. You could do far worse than being Yoda.”
“Well, yeah, there’s that. I wouldn’t mind living in the desert caves of Tatooine or in the swamps of Dagoba. At least I wouldn’t have to spend forty hours a week in a cement building with very few windows, making auto parts all day.”
I rolled onto my side facing him this time. “Why don’t you just quit?”
“Right. Everything in life is free these days. Who needs money?” Noticeable lines formed between his eyebrows, and the stress over this job he hated emanated from him.
“If you could do anything else for a job, what would you do?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I love computers, and if I had stayed in college, I would’ve finished my computer science degree and chosen something techie to do.” He glanced over at me. “I envy you and the career you’ve made for yourself, running your own business.”
“Ethan.” My heart went out to him.
“I almost asked you about it once. About working for you. But I thought that might be weird, so I didn’t.”
I propped myself up on my elbow. “What kind of work did you want to do?”
“I’ve always had a knack for website design. I taught myself coding back in high school. And I do a little drawing now and again. I’ve got some skills.” His tone was humble and a little shy.
“What’s to stop you from going out on your own?” I asked.
“And be your competition in this little town? That doesn’t sound like smart business sense. And I have no desire to run my own business. Too stressful.”
Deep in my heart, I wanted to help him, but I hesitated, wondering how it might affect our fledgling relationship.
“It’s okay, Jessa. I can see your mind working, but I’m not asking you for a job.”
“I don’t want you to be miserable, Ethan.”
“I’ve survived this long.”
“But you shouldn’t just survive. You should be able to thrive in your work life.”
“Thrive not survive?” He grinned. “That needs to be on a T-shirt. Thrive and survive with the greater than symbol in between.”
My mouth fell open. “That’s really cool. You should design it and sell them.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe.”
“Not maybe. Do it.”
He rolled toward me, pushing me onto my back, and hovering over me. “You’re very bossy, Miss Landry.”
“Miss Landry?” I snort-laughed. “So proper. Have we time-traveled to another era suddenly?”
“Oooh, speaking of time travel, have you caught up on the latest season of Dr. Who yet?”
“No, I haven’t. No spoilers. Also, you’re changing the subject.”
He lowered himself onto his forearms so his upper body was resting atop mine. “And I’m about to change it again.”
“We’re not done talking about—” I was quickly silenced by his lips against mine, and I forgot what we’d been talking about to begin with.
Being this close to him was heady and intoxicating, and soon our kisses grew deeper and more intense. My hands had a mind of their own, and I slid them under the back of his shirt, my fingertips trailing softly across his skin, which drew a low groan from deep in his throat.
“I love kissing you,” he whispered against my lips. “I don’t want this night to end.”
“I never thought kissing could feel this good.” I moaned as his lips slid along my jawline to my neck, the roughness of his beard scraping across my skin, firing me up. “Ellie and Penny were always going on and on about kissing this guy or that, and I never understood what the big deal was. Until now.”
He lifted his lips away from my neck to look at me. “Please don’t talk about my sister while I’m kissing you.”
I laughed as he rolled us onto our sides, and we put our arms around each other and snuggled closer.
He rested his forehead against mine, gently brushing my nose with his. “It’s probably best if we cool things down a little anyway. I could easily lose control with you.”
“That doesn’t sound so bad to me.” I surprised myself with how forward I was with him.
He blew out a slow, steady breath. “Me neither … but the first time I sleep with a woman, it will be with my wife.”
I leaned away to look him in the eyes. “You’re a … virgin?”
He nodded shyly.
“But you went out with a bazillion girls in high school. Are you telling me you never slept with any of them?”
“You paid attention to who I went out with?” He smirked.
“It was hard not to. You were always with a girl.”
“Were you jealous?”
I smacked his chest and gave him a “you know better than that” look.
“Yeah, I went out with a lot of girls, and like I said, I’m no saint. I’ve made out with girls, and I haven’t always kept my hands to myself, which I’m not proud of. But I made a commitment to God and to myself a long time ago that I would wait until marriage, and I’ve stuck with that.”
Shame washed over me for giving that part of myself to Cody. I wished I could take it back now, but it was too late. And again, I had the feeling that Ethan deserved someone better than me.
I started to roll away, but he tightened his grip around me and kept me where I was.
“I know what you’re thinking,” he said. “At least I think I do. So, don’t go there. Your thoughts are all lies.”
“But you deserve someone who saved herself for you too. I’m damaged goods.”
“Untrue. And I don’t want to hear you say that or anything like it again. And if you do, I’m going to keep reminding you over and over that you are worthy of love. No matter what happened in the past.”
He let me roll onto my back, and we lay quietly for a while as I let his words sink in. That he was willing to overlook my past moved me deeply. And as much as I believed he deserved a sweet little virgin girl from his church, I couldn’t help hoping I could be the one for him.
I moved my hand to where his was lying between us and ran my fingers along the back for several minutes before I realized he was watching me.
“How come you never told me you had feelings for me?” I asked.
“I knew you didn’t see me that way, and I didn’t want to make things awkward,” he replied. “I liked fighting with you. And I figured if I waited long enough, you’d eventually see me as more.”
I lifted his arm that was closest to me, making room for me to roll into him, and laid my head against his chest.
“Well, what do ya know?” he said with a soft chuckle. “I think it actually worked.”