Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Two
JESSA
O n I walked, and I was angry enough to keep it up the entire ten miles to my apartment. I glanced back over my shoulder and saw Ethan following me against my wishes. He’d left a large expanse between us, but he was still plodding along behind me.
Ten minutes into my walk, a car stopped next to me. “Need a ride?” It was the woman I’d seen on the street during the cleanup after the storm.
“Sure.” I looked back at Ethan once more.
He stopped walking and raised his arms out to the sides then dropped them in defeat as I climbed into the car.
Once I was buckled in and the car was moving away from Ethan, my emotions let loose, and tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Is there anything I can do for you, sweetie?” the woman asked.
“You think you know someone.” That was all I could manage to say at the moment.
“I don’t think you ever really know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. No matter how well you think you know them.”
I swiped away the wetness on my cheeks.
“Where to?” she asked.
I gave her my address, and she put it in her car’s GPS.
“Do you live around here?” I asked.
“I did. Years ago. But it’s been a long time, and I’m a little rusty on the street names.” The GPS directed her to turn at the next road. “I’m Carolyn.”
“Jessa.” A sudden realization came over me when I realized her voice sounded familiar. “Wait, your name is Carolyn? You’re not Carolyn from Texas, are you?”
“Yes, I am.”
“The Carolyn who hired me for your website?”
“That’s me.”
“I saw you on the street the day after the storm. Why didn’t you tell me that’s who you were?”
She didn’t reply right away, and I got a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I was waiting for the right time.”
“The right time for what?” I was getting stalker vibes and was fully prepared to defend myself if necessary.
“My name is actually Jessica Carolyn Gilford, but before that, I was Jessica Landry.”
My heart stopped beating then came rushing back with a mix of emotions.
No, it couldn’t be.
“I’m your mother, Jessa.”
My breaths came quickly, and I feared I might hyperventilate. “Let me out,” I breathed.
“I’m asking for five minutes of your time.”
“Stop the car!” I commanded.
“I know you don’t owe me that much—”
“You’re right, I don’t. Let me out of this car.”
“I get it. You don’t want to hear me out, and that’s understandable. Just let me take you home. We’re only a mile from your place.”
I was shaking. “I will jump out of a moving car.”
“Don’t do that!” She veered the car to the shoulder of the road, and I was out the door faster than a lightning bolt.
My footsteps crunched on the loose gravel along the edge, and I glanced back to make sure Carolyn … Jessica … whatever her name was wasn’t following me. She remained behind the wheel, her car not moving, and I speed-walked toward my apartment.
The squeeze in my chest made me queasy. I couldn’t believe this was happening. My mother. Here in Abbottsville. Why now, after all this time?
My mind raced the entire way back to my place. And when I arrived, I remembered I didn’t have my keys.
So, I sat down on the front stoop of the building, and the sobs hit me without warning.
Seeing my mother made what Ethan had done seem almost trivial in comparison. But it wasn’t. And I was so sick of people betraying me.
My heart felt like it was physically breaking. This day had started out so wonderfully. How had it taken such a drastic turn?
The sound of tires pulling up to the curb in front of me made me look up as Carolyn got out of her car and walked toward me. I tugged the collar of my T-shirt up and wiped my wet cheeks.
“I know this is a surprise. Your brothers were just as shocked to see me.”
“You talked to Wyatt and Shane?”
“I did.”
“Did you talk to Dad?”
“Yes.”
She came to a stop mere feet from me.
“I was in a bad place for many years, Jessa, and I’ve made some horrible decisions in my life. The biggest one was leaving all of you.”
My mind warred with my heart. One wanted her to leave immediately, while the other wanted to hear more.
She pointed at the stoop. “May I sit?”
I scooted as close to the edge as I could, and she sat down, leaving plenty of space between us.
Silence hung over us like the anvil in an old Looney Tunes episode. But whatever excuses and lies she was about to drop on me weren’t the slightest bit comical.
“I’m an alcoholic,” she confessed. “It took me years to admit that. I’ve been attending AA for the past couple years, and I’m working my way through the twelve-step program. And that’s why I’m here. To make amends to all those I hurt with my drinking.”
She was wringing her hands together, and it struck me that I did the same thing sometimes when I was nervous.
“I am so very sorry, Jessalyn. You deserved to have a mother to raise you, and I took that away from you. I was young and selfish. I wanted to be out having fun, not raising four kids. I felt trapped, and your dad and I fought all the time—mostly about my drinking—and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I left. And I need you to know that my leaving was nobody’s fault but my own.”
Something about that struck a chord in me, and the waterworks started again. I covered my face with one hand and turned away from her.
“There is nothing I could possibly do to make that up to you, but I hope you might consider letting me try.”
Her hand rested atop mine, and I jerked it away.
She clasped her hands together in front of her for a few moments then reached into her purse and pulled out a few pictures that looked worn with time.
“This is you and me.” She held one of the pictures out to me, and I took it. “You were a year old, and we had a party in the back yard.”
I was sitting in her lap with a huge grin on my face, showing off my baby teeth. She was smiling down at me. It looked like an idyllic picture of mother and child, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.
She handed me the next picture. “That’s Ellie Sweet and her mom—”
“Jody.” The sight of Ellie’s mom made me cry more than the fact that my mother was sitting next to me.
“I was devastated when I heard about Jody and Dwayne’s accident. She was a dear friend. I’m glad you and Ellie grew up as close as her mom and I used to be.”
I never knew my mom and Jody were friends. Jody had never said as much. I wondered if she’d kept that to herself to shelter me from the truth about why my mom left.
The last picture she handed me was of our family of six, sitting on a blanket in the grass. Dad had Shane on one knee, Wyatt and Levi were sitting next to him, and Carolyn was next to Dad, holding me in her lap.
“I kept these pictures with me for all these years. I never forgot any of you. Not for a minute.”
“But you couldn’t be bothered to write or call in twenty-seven years?”
“I was a mess, and I knew you were all better off without me.”
When I used to imagine seeing my mother again, I thought I’d have a long list of questions I’d ask her, but I couldn’t think of a single one.
We sat in silence for several long, uncomfortable minutes.
“I’ll be in town for a while longer,” she finally said, “so if you’d like to talk, you already have my number.”
She stood and took a few steps away before turning around to look at me. “I’m sorry you’re going through something today. I hope whatever has you so upset works out. And I’m sorry if I made things worse.”
I watched her get into her car and drive off, and I stared until the car disappeared from sight.
Did that really just happen?
The ache in my chest made me want to go to Ethan and tell him everything and hide away in his arms. But I couldn’t do that. My heart had opened so quickly and unexpectedly to him. I should’ve known it was all too good to be true.