40
The smell of bacon hits me as soon as I wake up. The sign of Christmas Eve breakfast being ready. I quickly throw on a t-shirt and sweats, debate brushing my teeth, and ultimately decide to forego it until after breakfast.
A plate is waiting on the counter as I slouch onto a stool. Mom has always put red food dye in the pancakes and green in the eggs to bring a Christmas touch to the meal. Dad had found the green eggs revolting but always put up with it, because he was Dad and she was Mom.
“I was about to wake you. It’s almost eleven! I need to get started on prepping dinner but wanted to feed you breakfast first. Charlie will be here around two-thirty.”
“What time is dinner?”
“Three.”
I dive into my plate, making a beeline to the pancakes. I don’t know what it is about pancakes that I never can get right, that most people don’t get right. The only time I ever truly enjoy pancakes is when I’m out at a restaurant, and when Mom makes them.
“What’s for dinner? Ham?”
“Going a bit fancier this year. Prime rib. Bought a slightly bigger cut, for umm…leftovers. Now, finish your breakfast and get out of my kitchen.”
“You mean my kitchen,” I mutter, finishing the last of my eggs and putting the dish in the dishwasher.
* * *
I hear a knock at the door. I put my book down and look at the clock. Two-thirty exactly. It must be Charlie.
I open the door and find not only Charlie, but a German Shepherd. “Daniel! Good to see you. Hope you don’t mind I brought Duke here to dinner. With the holidays and all, my normal sitter couldn’t take him.”
“Depends. Who or what is Duke named after?”
Charlie laughs. “Not the basketball team. It’s going to sound weird but he’s…named after a mayonnaise I grew up on.”
“Fine by me. C’mon in Duke.” Duke licks my hand before running into the condo.
“Duke!” I hear Mom yell from the kitchen. I hear the shuffle of paws on tile, followed by a quick bark.
“Duke loves your mom,” Charlie says, hoisting a bag of gifts into the condo. “I think he might see her as the weakest link for treats.”
As Charlie makes his way into the condo, I notice Sydney coming up the walkway. When her eyes reach mine, she takes off into a sprint and envelopes me in a big hug.
“Good to see you too,” I say, breaking the embrace. “Busy day?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe. We had so many preorders for the bakery. The shop was utter chaos, but you know how it is. Thanks again for letting us close the shop early so I could come for dinner.”
“Hey,” I say, moving to the side so she can enter the condo, “you’re the boss now. You make the rules.”
“Yeah, right.”
Sydney opens her tote bag and pulls out an assortment of cheeses and other charcuterie board items. Mom must have tasked her with it, as I now notice the empty board sitting on the coffee table.
As Sydney finishes the board, she notices Duke staring at it.
The board is relocated to the kitchen counter.
We all move to the dining room table to snack on the items Sydney brought, catching up on what’s going on in town.
I bring everyone up to speed on my classes at Trinity, highlighting what’s different from teaching them compared to CCSU.
I tell them about meeting Irene McAllister, and how disappointing she was in comparison to the books she wrote.
“She just seems like someone who’s living her life. Just because she raised two kids doesn’t mean the responsibility of Hughie should fall on her.”
I look towards Sydney. “I agree, in a way. But she just essentially dropped Hughie in Niall’s lap, and expected him to pick up the slack.”
“Hughie seems like a great kid, though.” Charlie says, grabbing a piece of gouda.
“I love Hughie. He actually brought more insightful conversation to my classes than half my students. I think there’s just this expectation that everyone wants kids, and Niall may have been choosing to live his life sans kids.
And now it’s forced upon him, and he’ll look like a prick if he gives any pushback. ”
Mom reaches her hand across the table and places it on mine. “But do you know he feels that way? Or are you making assumptions?”
I sigh. “I think that’s the point Mom. No one, not even me, really asked if he was okay with all this.”
The table goes quiet for a bit, Mom retreating back to the kitchen. Soon enough dishes start making their way from the kitchen and onto the table.
Mom has prepared quite the feast, the prime rib being the star of the show. There are potatoes two ways (mashed and roasted), homemade mac and cheese, a variety of vegetables, and Mom’s homemade garlic knots.
Dinner’s relatively quiet, outside of compliments to Mom’s cooking, the sounds of forks scraping on plates. I had suggested we use paper plates to make cleanup easier, but I got scolded and was told we use real plates on holidays.
By the time dinner is finished the sun is starting to make it’s descent.
Everyone is sitting back, either at the table or in the living room.
The sounds of the Christmas football game coming from the TV in the living room.
Charlie and Duke are curled up on the couch intensely watching the game.
Mom and Sydney are cleaning up in the kitchen, leaving me alone at the table.
I think about all the times Michael and I hosted and sat around this exact table, playing Cards Against Humanity over a couple bottles of wine.
The epic game of Flip Cup that almost broke up Lisa and Will years before their wedding.
The many nights Niall, Michael, and I brainstormed ideas on new bakes and how to improve our respective shops.
The ghosts of this condo are becoming too much, the walls feeling like they’re closing in. I need to get some air.
“I’m going for a walk,” I say, standing from the table.
“Everything okay sweetie?”
“Yeah Mom. Just need a minute.” She gives me a small smile. I walk across the room and head out the front door.
* * *
I find myself walking along the Broad Street Green, the snow leaving a dusting on the grass.
Kind of a picture-perfect scene for Christmas Eve.
The houses along the green are lit up in a variety of colors, some houses just with the classic wreath and candle in the windows, others with giant inflatables in the yard.
I’m kinda surprised by the inflatables. It doesn’t seem like something Old Wethersfield would allow. Michael had threatened to put inflatables in our backyard one year, and I told him he could deal with the neighbors when they complained.
He never did get his inflatable.
I spot Tuscany being walked across the street, so I give a quick wave to his people. Tuscany always was one of my favorite dogs of the neighborhood, and I kept treats at the store for when Tuscany and his dog siblings made an appearance.
I stroll along the green, heading towards Marsh Street. I pass through the gates of the cemetery and, without really thinking about it, find myself standing at Michael’s grave.
Michael Knoll
Beloved Friend and Community Member
I sit down in the snow and go into full breakdown mode. I had been in such shock when Michael died I never fully processed it when I was in Wethersfield. I had more so gone into a catatonic state.
And then I was in Dublin.
“Oh Michael.” I put my hand on his gravestone.
“Michael…I miss you so much. I miss our banter, I miss working and living together, baking together.
I miss arguing over which of our book recommendations were better, how passionate you were about Dr. Pepper.
I would give anything to sit and binge the next season of The Big Baking Bonanza with you, and hate the same contestant.
Some cocky shit of a high schooler or the old one who thinks she knows everything.
“I also wish you were here to help me through the Niall issue. I felt so bad at first about us getting together, knowing how you felt about him. But one thing led to another, and we got together. And things were so, so good. We just clicked, you know? Compared to the trash I’ve dated in the past, especially Alex who I happened to run into the other day.
Just as douchey as ever, that one. It kinda feels like I stole Niall from you, but I think even you would’ve supported anyone who was the opposite of Alex.
“With Niall…with Niall things were so different. He treated me so nice, helped me out so much in Dublin. Oh, and get this. Irene McAllister is his mother! How many times did we watch The Light of the Hour or read Silence in the Night? Let me tell you, she’s kinda disappointing in real life.
It’s a whole thing but she pretty much forced Niall into parenting his nephew.
Which is a whole other thing we…I guess now just you, didn’t know about.
Niall has a sister and she’s a bit of a mess, and now Hughie lives with him.
“I just feel bad for Niall, you know? We don’t know if he even wanted to be a parent, but Hughie’s such a good kid that maybe it doesn’t make a difference.
That kid’s the best. He would sit in my afternoon classes and would actually read the material, and would question the students’ thoughts and opinions on the books.
The kid is ten and he’s literally crushing these college-aged students on materials that should be way outside his reading age.
“Can you imagine this, Michael? Me with a kid? Something I never thought I would experience or even want. But Hughie and I spent almost more time together than Niall and I. And I loved those moments. All of them. And now that I’ve gone and fucked things with Niall, I’m scared to think I lost not only Niall, but Hughie too.
“But I think, what I regret the most, is not telling Niall I love him. The weight of I love you, and not being able to tell him. It feels like it’s crushing me. Sometimes I can’t breathe.”
I blink away tears, leaning my head on the edge of the headstone.
“Is that true?”
My heart plummets in my chest. It can’t be.
I open my eyes to find Niall standing in front of Michael’s grave. His eyes are watery, as he looks from me to Michael’s headstone, back to me.
“How much did you hear?”
“A good portion I believe. At least the important parts.” He gestures to the empty spot on the ground, and I nod. He takes a seat next to me.
“What are you doing here?”
He reaches for my hand and I place mine in his.
“I’m not sure how to appropriately go about this.
But Danny…Danny I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to describe how guilty I felt about my overreaction to what happened with Hughie.
Hughie is a good, smart kid. I should have known he was fine, but with everything with Nora I think I’ve been a right mess.
Frazzled a bit. But he’s been all out of sorts since that day.
That he ruined everything with Uncle Danny. ”
I choke a bit. “Did you say Uncle Danny?”
Niall laughs, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Yes, bit of pressure he’s put on us don’t you think?
I do think he believes we were co-parenting him, which I shouldn’t have let it get to that point.
But I think he’s what got through to me, broke through the haze of my overreaction and knew I needed to fix things.
But you had already left to come home to the States.
Hughie told me that we were going, that the three of us were going to have our movie moment.
Little shite doesn’t seem to grasp the cost of holiday airfare. ”
“We? Where’s Hughie?”
“Oh, right. He’s with your mom and the rest of the gang. I, erm…may have told her we were coming last night but not to tell you.”
That sneaky bitch. “Well, you should be happy to know she didn’t reveal your grand plan.”
“Hey Danny?” I look at him, just as he leans his head on my shoulder. “I love you too, yeah? I was worried it was too early to say it before. But, erm…after what you said when you didn’t know I was here, I’ve sort of put together you feel the same. Yeah?”
Niall leans in to kiss me, his hand reaching inside my jacket just as I’m pulling away. “Hey, umm, yeah. I do want to do this and all, but maybe not on top of my best friend’s grave.”
Niall nods, stands and reaches out to give me a hand. I let him pull me up, sliding a bit on the wet grass. I turn around and put my hand on Michael’s headstone.
“Thanks for listening. Miss you forever.”